Interesting
I was looking for a particular post and found this one... it's so interesting to read it after time has passed. When I posted it, I made it private to everyone, including Brandon. It's public now, obviously.
iMaxed ( imaxed5770) wrote,
@ 2006-06-23 20:37:00
7:19 PM me:I do appreciate what you do now and I do my best to deal with thesituation. Either way I don't feel safe saying things about it anymoreas I did earlier so I don't think I will.
7:20 PM Brandon: It's like this.
It would make things for us a ton easier if you were older.
7:21 PM I could bring that up over and over and it would not help anything.
Those are NOT the same. I can't just place "be older" in between sleeping and school and other things in my life. I have no choice about it. I can't rearrange my priorities and try to fit that one in. There is nothing I can cut short in order to squeeze in more time to be older. It is literally IMPOSSIBLE.
And anyway, I thought it was a GOOD thing that I was younger. Is it good, or is it bad now? Tell me and clarify once and for all, please, where is the line drawn so I can know when to expect my age to be used against me or to be placed in a negative perspective.
Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like if I had told him I didn't want to talk that night.
It is no fucking wonder why people get sick of relationships. I doubt this is a singular case, so is it like this for everyone? Are all relationships full of bullshit?
I don't appreciate him? FUCK. THAT. How many times have I been in a position where I am certain any other girl would have seriously considered fucking ending it completely, with good reason, and very well may have done just that? How many times have I accepted him in spite of him treating me like shit and making me feel like shit, how many times have I never been apologized to when any decent boyfriend would have had the balls to say "I'm sorry", how many times have I been spoken to, or rather, condescended to, despite my attempts to have both of us step back and asess the situation like people are SUPPOSED TO; how many times have I had to change without any compromise, how many times have been snarled at when I ALWAYS TREAD ON EGGSHELLS, how many times have I had to beat off antagonistic stabs in arguments I never wanted to have, how many times have I tried my fucking hardest and SUCCEEDED in holding back retorts and any signs of aggravation and hurt because I KNOW how horrible it makes the other person feel and how it only makes things worse, when in any other situation with any other person I would have done what is natural to me and FOUGHT BACK; how many times have I felt like if I DON'T try my fucking hardest to defend myself I'll be suffocated and shut up and left to sit and fucking cry and take all the blame?
EXCUSE ME IF I TELL YOU I WISH I COULD TALK TO YOU MORE; I UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING UNREASONABLE OF A DESIRE THAT IS NOW AND I AM SORRY I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR IT. I'M SORRY IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE STRESS OF SOMEONE SAYING THEY WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU MORE BECAUSE THEY MISS YOU, PARDON ME FOR NEVER GETTING IT RIGHT, EXCUSE ME FOR EVERYTHING BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T TAKE TWO STEPS WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING WRONG. I HOPE MY NEW-AND-IMPROVED SURE-TO-NEVER-FAIL PLAN OF JUST KEEPING MY STUPID, PAIN-IN-THE-ASS MOUTH SHUT MAKES FOR A SMOOTHER FUTURE; I'LL BE SURE TO KEEP YOU INFORMED ON THE PROGRESS OF MY TENDENCY TO HAVE UNREASONABLE WISHES BEING ELIMINATED BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I'LL NEVER GET IT RIGHT UNTIL THAT HAPPENS.
Once again, I'm sorry, you're right, it's all my fault, I really shouldn't be so unreasonable, I really shouldn't bother you with my fucking issues, I really need to get a move on regarding that whole not sucking at being a girlfriend!, I'm sorry, would it make it easier if I knew how to be a better girlfriend for you?, I'm sorry, should I keep my hands tied tighter behind my back and should I squeeze my eyes shut harder as the blood taste seeps over my punctured tongue (it's such a FAMILIAR sensation at this point), I'm sorry, you're right, I'm such a fucking child all the time and I can't compare to your PERFECT ADULT MENTALITY, and most of all I am sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm SO FUCKING SORRY FOR BEING SO FUCKING LOUD ABOUT IT.
Change is intriguing. I seemed to have had a pretty good grip on perspective, considering that was my first relationship. Proof that it's easier to say that you wouldn't tolerate shit from a boyfriend and would dump him if he did such-and-such than it is to actually follow through.
Life is a fascinating process.
iMaxed ( imaxed5770) wrote,
@ 2006-06-23 20:37:00
7:19 PM me:I do appreciate what you do now and I do my best to deal with thesituation. Either way I don't feel safe saying things about it anymoreas I did earlier so I don't think I will.
7:20 PM Brandon: It's like this.
It would make things for us a ton easier if you were older.
7:21 PM I could bring that up over and over and it would not help anything.
Those are NOT the same. I can't just place "be older" in between sleeping and school and other things in my life. I have no choice about it. I can't rearrange my priorities and try to fit that one in. There is nothing I can cut short in order to squeeze in more time to be older. It is literally IMPOSSIBLE.
And anyway, I thought it was a GOOD thing that I was younger. Is it good, or is it bad now? Tell me and clarify once and for all, please, where is the line drawn so I can know when to expect my age to be used against me or to be placed in a negative perspective.
Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like if I had told him I didn't want to talk that night.
It is no fucking wonder why people get sick of relationships. I doubt this is a singular case, so is it like this for everyone? Are all relationships full of bullshit?
I don't appreciate him? FUCK. THAT. How many times have I been in a position where I am certain any other girl would have seriously considered fucking ending it completely, with good reason, and very well may have done just that? How many times have I accepted him in spite of him treating me like shit and making me feel like shit, how many times have I never been apologized to when any decent boyfriend would have had the balls to say "I'm sorry", how many times have I been spoken to, or rather, condescended to, despite my attempts to have both of us step back and asess the situation like people are SUPPOSED TO; how many times have I had to change without any compromise, how many times have been snarled at when I ALWAYS TREAD ON EGGSHELLS, how many times have I had to beat off antagonistic stabs in arguments I never wanted to have, how many times have I tried my fucking hardest and SUCCEEDED in holding back retorts and any signs of aggravation and hurt because I KNOW how horrible it makes the other person feel and how it only makes things worse, when in any other situation with any other person I would have done what is natural to me and FOUGHT BACK; how many times have I felt like if I DON'T try my fucking hardest to defend myself I'll be suffocated and shut up and left to sit and fucking cry and take all the blame?
EXCUSE ME IF I TELL YOU I WISH I COULD TALK TO YOU MORE; I UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING UNREASONABLE OF A DESIRE THAT IS NOW AND I AM SORRY I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR IT. I'M SORRY IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE STRESS OF SOMEONE SAYING THEY WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU MORE BECAUSE THEY MISS YOU, PARDON ME FOR NEVER GETTING IT RIGHT, EXCUSE ME FOR EVERYTHING BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T TAKE TWO STEPS WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING WRONG. I HOPE MY NEW-AND-IMPROVED SURE-TO-NEVER-FAIL PLAN OF JUST KEEPING MY STUPID, PAIN-IN-THE-ASS MOUTH SHUT MAKES FOR A SMOOTHER FUTURE; I'LL BE SURE TO KEEP YOU INFORMED ON THE PROGRESS OF MY TENDENCY TO HAVE UNREASONABLE WISHES BEING ELIMINATED BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I'LL NEVER GET IT RIGHT UNTIL THAT HAPPENS.
Once again, I'm sorry, you're right, it's all my fault, I really shouldn't be so unreasonable, I really shouldn't bother you with my fucking issues, I really need to get a move on regarding that whole not sucking at being a girlfriend!, I'm sorry, would it make it easier if I knew how to be a better girlfriend for you?, I'm sorry, should I keep my hands tied tighter behind my back and should I squeeze my eyes shut harder as the blood taste seeps over my punctured tongue (it's such a FAMILIAR sensation at this point), I'm sorry, you're right, I'm such a fucking child all the time and I can't compare to your PERFECT ADULT MENTALITY, and most of all I am sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm SO FUCKING SORRY FOR BEING SO FUCKING LOUD ABOUT IT.
Change is intriguing. I seemed to have had a pretty good grip on perspective, considering that was my first relationship. Proof that it's easier to say that you wouldn't tolerate shit from a boyfriend and would dump him if he did such-and-such than it is to actually follow through.
Life is a fascinating process.