Update Update: Love, Everything Else
A lot of things have been going on lately that I haven't written about. Brandon and I are no longer together, for a variety of reasons. It's been really hard. We split up because I was unhappy with things, and I started talking to another guy from work (who was going to be my manager) named Mike, who I am now with. Being with Mike actually overlapped with "ending" things with Brandon, meaning I cheated on Brandon. Which is my mistake, and a decision I have to live with. Aside from that, Brandon and I went through some rough periods of talking about what happened, and how we felt, and changes that needed to be done if we wanted to get back together. Extremely long, complicated, painful story short, I decided that no matter how I feel about Brandon, which is that I definitely still feel something, I do not want to have another long-distance relationship. I don't want to be with someone I'm not around. I don't have the energy to do that again, and I don't have the energy or strength to do it with Brandon if Mike is around. Maybe that makes me a bad person, and I suppose it makes me weak because I don't have the strength to just be dedicated and fight all the forces that would work against us, but I'm just worn down and too beaten to struggle through it again. Right now I'm trying to focus on the present for once, because Brandon and I always worked in the present but towards a wonderful, far-away future, and that drains you like nothing else. There are periods where I feel severely conflicted, or at least there have been, but once I finally articulated what I just wrote about how I want something here and now, I felt better. I told Brandon that recently I've been thinking of the phrase "if you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you it was yours all along". It's something tremdendous to ask someone, and I wouldn't be shocked if someone told me I'm terrible and selfish for saying that to someone who is still deeply in love with me. I know how Brandon feels about me, and that still means something immeasurable, and I want that, but I can't break what I have now with Mike with what I know the present offers Brandon and me. Is it all about instant gratification? No. I'm not with Mike just because he's here. But, no, I can't say I wouldn't be confused and distressed if Brandon were here as well. Get back to me when I'm off at college; I'm sure I'll be in agony the way I was a few weeks ago about all of this. The worst thing is it is negatively impacting everything else in my life, from my health to my grades, and I can't even tell my family about it because they don't know about Brandon and I don't feel like unearthing that mess any time soon. I've had this constant twisted feeling inside of me at the thought of it, and the stress is crippling in its immensity. I'm still myself, but thinking about this always drags me back down to earth; I feel like I'm aging, like things are darkening and part of my radiance has been extinguished.
It's the most painful thing I have ever experienced so far. I can't think of Boston or go around a cute shopping street without thinking of Newbury Street, and thinking of Brandon. There is always something there to catch my memory, and when there isn't the memories are still fresh in my mind. I'm not over it by any means, but I'm not willing to go back to being with Brandon if I can't be with him normally, as in when I'm not bound to this house and my parents' rules and the distance and the twisting feeling I'd get being around Mike and knowing I had left him. The most stupid, aggravating but still embittering thing is that I keep remembering I'm only seventeen, and I wonder as to how it is I experience these things with men in their twenties. I know that's not normal, but it's part of the burden of being at a level where I wouldn't be happy or really alive with anything else.
Although I am still struggling with Brandon and things and thoughts related to him, I do like Mike very much. I don't think you can love two people at once, which is another idea that I question often, but the way I feel about Mike isn't cursory enough to say I simply "really like" him. At the same time, I'm not over Brandon. I tell Mike I love him because I feel that I do, but if I do and I believe in loving one person at a time, what is the right thing to say to Brandon? The questions are incessant. What do you say when there are two men who tell you they love you at a number of different levels (Brandon is more articulate in general, so his are always more poetic), and that they want to be with you, and that they need you? The last word, need, is the most striking. To need someone means you feel pain without them; I know this because I have felt the lack before.
Clearly I just need CrazyElf to move to swoop down and move to America, which would negate all other options by default. (We take a moment to laugh, a laugh that might be awkward if I had the patience to care nowadays.) Lately I'm about being succinct and trimming gauzy references when I could just say the real thing. Usually, anyway.
Mike, though, is really the ideal boyfriend to any girl. He embodies all the qualities women list when imagining the perfect significant other: sweet, caring, fun, relaxed, endearing, extremely honest (which I am sad to say I am, in my own way, still getting accustomed to) strong, understanding, patient, stunning (the first attribute I noticed about him, back before we ever dated), very much himself. I've posted this via AIM conversation behind livejournal cuts, but I'll just state it here: the only things that ever make me feel there is something lacking are the things I miss so very much about Brandon. His articulate intelligence, our similarities. But it is wrong to hold someone accountable for not being someone else, or like someone else, so I don't hold that against Mike at all. It's just something I am honest with myself about. Mike is more mature in other ways - I sincerely doubt that he would have ever hurt me the ways Brandon did. Mike never makes me feel afraid about anything, which is one of the things I had to get used to. There was never any resentment or fear beneath the surface - I was startled at how clear things were of such dark corners. I think the thing that has left the greatest impression on me is that he really wants to be with me, as in he wants to be around me and spend time with me. He never makes me feel needy, and whenever I voice my nervousness at being so, he always reassures me that I'm his girlfriend, and so of course he wants to be near me or talk to me or see me. I still become anxious about being demanding or a burden, but there is a level to which that has been ingrained, and I suspect it will be for a very long time.
What happened with us was that, back before I started working at EB Games (I love my job!!! If they'd schedule me again soon, wtf!) I always noticed Mike because he is rather stunning, but I never suspected I would actually click with him as a person, or that he ever paid attention to me in that way. We ended up talking here and there; we never worked the same shifts, but we would inevitablly see each other around. Actually, what happened was that he got an assistant manager position at the Hot Topic one store and a walkway away from my store, so he only works at EB occassionally now; this went into effect essentially right when I actually started working. But, there was a point where I had a dream about him, where we for some reason had sex, and I later saved him from a world of paintings. This was before we had ever really spoken, when I was still with Brandon, so needless to say my reaction was "What?.." I mentioned to him that he was in a dream of mine, and we ended up talking online at some point, and it was during this first conversation that lightning struck and we noticed an undeniable chemistry working. I was very alarmed by this, because I wasn't single and I was physically attracted to this person but had no intentions on pursuing him due to my already-present relationship. Time continued, and it eventually became a bigger and bigger conflict within me; meanwhile, I was growing increasingly more worn by the difficulty of maintaining a long-distance relationship that had underlying issues, where I had fears about whether or not changes were being implemented. I ended up at Mike's house one night to hang out (the first time we ever did), and it became much more than that. That was when things really got started. And here I am now.
Mike is very lovely, and very wonderful. I look forward to being able to write about him without feeling the guilt of not writing about Brandon in that way as well. It's unfortunate that there are other things I am dealing with that prevent me from being able to state simply that my boyfriend is amazing and I am very happy to be with him. I always feel the rushing need to explain after I say that here. But really, I am happy to be with Mike. It feels right to be with him, here and now. I like that a lot. I've never experienced that before, having someone I can be with normally. Brandon is still present in my life, yes, but Mike is seperate from that, and he's a part of my life I want to be there, especially when I'm now living day by day and letting the future unfold. That's really the best description for how I'm trying to handle my life these days.
Aside from that, school fucking sucks and I'm ready for summer. Actually, I really love most of my classes aside from gym/health, physics, and calculus, but I fucking hate schoolwork, and I'm lazy as hell about it. I just want to know if I got into Rutgers or NYU (the first probably, the latter probably not) so I can have something to merit this sense of slow, sedated peace I have in not giving a shit about this school year. I just want to sit in my classes and enjoy the learning experience without the fucking papers, readings and responses, tests, labs, and so on. I love going to school and going to work; if it could just be that without the homework I'd be in blissful heaven. Really. I'm planning on taking up a waitressing job somewhere, hopefully in Frenchtown, in case EB doesn't get more hours for me to work. Hours are gooood.
My grades are going down little by little (sometimes by not so little), but it's difficult to shake this apathy. Senioritis hit me so very, very hard.
I'm essentially a walking mess, all of it stemming from love.
No wonder my mother didn't want me to to date.
I guess I should mention that - my parents, my mother specifically, makes being with anyone that much more difficult. Fairly so, though... she doesn't want me staying at Mike's overnight, doesn't want Mike staying here past ten in the evening on schooldays, doesn't want us sleeping in the same bed regardless. I've broken all of those rules, much to her fury and my irresponsibility. Quite frankly, there are a lot of rules she sets down I don't feel difficulty breaking. I plan on getting my ears re-pierced as soon as possible, meaning as soon as school lets out and I no longer have to change for fucking gym class (maybe a bit earlier than that, then). I have been considering getting my nostril pierced like I have wanted to for a good while now, and maybe getting a center lip piercing. The latter are definitely only considerations, though; I might even hold off on them until I'm damn close to leaving the house for college, because I can tell you now facial piercings will not blow over well with my family. I don't feel like dealing with that. I really don't. It will be bad enough to deal with it if I get it done in college. The thing that's holding me back the most about facial piericings is that they could end up looking stupid, I could end up being bored with them, and if any of the former happens that the holes they leave, although tiny, will be constant, nagging reminders of my folly. The possibility of being associated with other tools who have facial piercings isn't really a concern because I know I'm cool, and if other people can't see past two little pieces of metal amongst all the other things about my look to let themselves be interested in me, then that's their loss.
As a note, here are some pictures of Mike. I never had pictures of Brandon ( :/ ) to share with all of you, so it's neat to be able to let others see the person I'm with...
I get to wake up next to that, only naked :]
He speaks of losing weight and getting more muscular/ripped, and I'm like "But I like you the way you are!!!!" He contests with me liking that he feels solid and yet soft to touch, saying something along the lines of 'too bad, I'm losing it', "it" being the MINUTE layer of fat around his assuredly already-muscular build. What a dork.
And he'll probably whine that his facial hair is unruly, which it is, but I think he's lovely anyway!
His hair is unruly in the last few pictures (and covering his face!! Ahh!!), but you can see the cuteness.
Yeah, my boyfriend is hot. I'm not going to lie - I like it, a lot.
But it is rather irksome when slutty scene girls, or lame girls in general, try to get into his pants! In a way it's fun, though, because he always denies them, for me. Which is really something. I'm always rather surprised at how much he likes (and loves, but they're different) me. I like myself, too, but it's always nice to be able to amaze someone back when you find that person amazing as well.
Oh, and he has body piercings - you can probably see if you look hard enough, except for the one you won't see any pictures of as far as I'm concerned. Usually I don't care for them either way, but for some reason on him they're terribly, incredibly alluring to me. I think they look really good on him. These things about him surprise me - he has such a sweet personality, and then he has these sexy, sultry little details that keep me on my toes. Especially because he did the one himself. It's a very neat phenomenon.
He likes WoW and likes his job, and works really hard and wants to do the best he possibly can. He likes making other people happy and making them smile and laugh; he's wonderful to his mother and protects the people he loves. He's remarkably intelligent even if he isn't proficient at articulating it, but it only makes it more thrilling when I unearth it for myself. He loves learning new things and learning new ideas, especially about philosophical subjects such as existence, religion, and human nature. He is so adorable with his pets, and he likes holding my hand and holding me in public. The one thing I was extremely moved by was that he told his friends about me very early on; he told me he was nervous about it at first, but then he realized he didn't care what other people thought because he knew how he felt about me, and he was proud to be with me. Few things hurt more than being hidden by someone you care about, who tells you he cares about you in return. He's good at math and good at fixing things; he's good with his hands and very earnest. He's twenty-three and I'm always surprised at how I never feel it until I think about it. He doesn't make me feel embarassed and he's open-minded; he's clean and very mature about other people, and at the same time he can be very playfully silly.
I would continue, but I really want a Chinese pear right about now.
Wow, an actual update for once! With pictures and everything. Maybe I'll even get a few pictures of myself, once I re-dye my hair. I still have the rainbow, of course.
That's a delicious pear!!!!!!!!!!!
And I still love Sublime.
It's the most painful thing I have ever experienced so far. I can't think of Boston or go around a cute shopping street without thinking of Newbury Street, and thinking of Brandon. There is always something there to catch my memory, and when there isn't the memories are still fresh in my mind. I'm not over it by any means, but I'm not willing to go back to being with Brandon if I can't be with him normally, as in when I'm not bound to this house and my parents' rules and the distance and the twisting feeling I'd get being around Mike and knowing I had left him. The most stupid, aggravating but still embittering thing is that I keep remembering I'm only seventeen, and I wonder as to how it is I experience these things with men in their twenties. I know that's not normal, but it's part of the burden of being at a level where I wouldn't be happy or really alive with anything else.
Although I am still struggling with Brandon and things and thoughts related to him, I do like Mike very much. I don't think you can love two people at once, which is another idea that I question often, but the way I feel about Mike isn't cursory enough to say I simply "really like" him. At the same time, I'm not over Brandon. I tell Mike I love him because I feel that I do, but if I do and I believe in loving one person at a time, what is the right thing to say to Brandon? The questions are incessant. What do you say when there are two men who tell you they love you at a number of different levels (Brandon is more articulate in general, so his are always more poetic), and that they want to be with you, and that they need you? The last word, need, is the most striking. To need someone means you feel pain without them; I know this because I have felt the lack before.
Clearly I just need CrazyElf to move to swoop down and move to America, which would negate all other options by default. (We take a moment to laugh, a laugh that might be awkward if I had the patience to care nowadays.) Lately I'm about being succinct and trimming gauzy references when I could just say the real thing. Usually, anyway.
Mike, though, is really the ideal boyfriend to any girl. He embodies all the qualities women list when imagining the perfect significant other: sweet, caring, fun, relaxed, endearing, extremely honest (which I am sad to say I am, in my own way, still getting accustomed to) strong, understanding, patient, stunning (the first attribute I noticed about him, back before we ever dated), very much himself. I've posted this via AIM conversation behind livejournal cuts, but I'll just state it here: the only things that ever make me feel there is something lacking are the things I miss so very much about Brandon. His articulate intelligence, our similarities. But it is wrong to hold someone accountable for not being someone else, or like someone else, so I don't hold that against Mike at all. It's just something I am honest with myself about. Mike is more mature in other ways - I sincerely doubt that he would have ever hurt me the ways Brandon did. Mike never makes me feel afraid about anything, which is one of the things I had to get used to. There was never any resentment or fear beneath the surface - I was startled at how clear things were of such dark corners. I think the thing that has left the greatest impression on me is that he really wants to be with me, as in he wants to be around me and spend time with me. He never makes me feel needy, and whenever I voice my nervousness at being so, he always reassures me that I'm his girlfriend, and so of course he wants to be near me or talk to me or see me. I still become anxious about being demanding or a burden, but there is a level to which that has been ingrained, and I suspect it will be for a very long time.
What happened with us was that, back before I started working at EB Games (I love my job!!! If they'd schedule me again soon, wtf!) I always noticed Mike because he is rather stunning, but I never suspected I would actually click with him as a person, or that he ever paid attention to me in that way. We ended up talking here and there; we never worked the same shifts, but we would inevitablly see each other around. Actually, what happened was that he got an assistant manager position at the Hot Topic one store and a walkway away from my store, so he only works at EB occassionally now; this went into effect essentially right when I actually started working. But, there was a point where I had a dream about him, where we for some reason had sex, and I later saved him from a world of paintings. This was before we had ever really spoken, when I was still with Brandon, so needless to say my reaction was "What?.." I mentioned to him that he was in a dream of mine, and we ended up talking online at some point, and it was during this first conversation that lightning struck and we noticed an undeniable chemistry working. I was very alarmed by this, because I wasn't single and I was physically attracted to this person but had no intentions on pursuing him due to my already-present relationship. Time continued, and it eventually became a bigger and bigger conflict within me; meanwhile, I was growing increasingly more worn by the difficulty of maintaining a long-distance relationship that had underlying issues, where I had fears about whether or not changes were being implemented. I ended up at Mike's house one night to hang out (the first time we ever did), and it became much more than that. That was when things really got started. And here I am now.
Mike is very lovely, and very wonderful. I look forward to being able to write about him without feeling the guilt of not writing about Brandon in that way as well. It's unfortunate that there are other things I am dealing with that prevent me from being able to state simply that my boyfriend is amazing and I am very happy to be with him. I always feel the rushing need to explain after I say that here. But really, I am happy to be with Mike. It feels right to be with him, here and now. I like that a lot. I've never experienced that before, having someone I can be with normally. Brandon is still present in my life, yes, but Mike is seperate from that, and he's a part of my life I want to be there, especially when I'm now living day by day and letting the future unfold. That's really the best description for how I'm trying to handle my life these days.
Aside from that, school fucking sucks and I'm ready for summer. Actually, I really love most of my classes aside from gym/health, physics, and calculus, but I fucking hate schoolwork, and I'm lazy as hell about it. I just want to know if I got into Rutgers or NYU (the first probably, the latter probably not) so I can have something to merit this sense of slow, sedated peace I have in not giving a shit about this school year. I just want to sit in my classes and enjoy the learning experience without the fucking papers, readings and responses, tests, labs, and so on. I love going to school and going to work; if it could just be that without the homework I'd be in blissful heaven. Really. I'm planning on taking up a waitressing job somewhere, hopefully in Frenchtown, in case EB doesn't get more hours for me to work. Hours are gooood.
My grades are going down little by little (sometimes by not so little), but it's difficult to shake this apathy. Senioritis hit me so very, very hard.
I'm essentially a walking mess, all of it stemming from love.
No wonder my mother didn't want me to to date.
I guess I should mention that - my parents, my mother specifically, makes being with anyone that much more difficult. Fairly so, though... she doesn't want me staying at Mike's overnight, doesn't want Mike staying here past ten in the evening on schooldays, doesn't want us sleeping in the same bed regardless. I've broken all of those rules, much to her fury and my irresponsibility. Quite frankly, there are a lot of rules she sets down I don't feel difficulty breaking. I plan on getting my ears re-pierced as soon as possible, meaning as soon as school lets out and I no longer have to change for fucking gym class (maybe a bit earlier than that, then). I have been considering getting my nostril pierced like I have wanted to for a good while now, and maybe getting a center lip piercing. The latter are definitely only considerations, though; I might even hold off on them until I'm damn close to leaving the house for college, because I can tell you now facial piercings will not blow over well with my family. I don't feel like dealing with that. I really don't. It will be bad enough to deal with it if I get it done in college. The thing that's holding me back the most about facial piericings is that they could end up looking stupid, I could end up being bored with them, and if any of the former happens that the holes they leave, although tiny, will be constant, nagging reminders of my folly. The possibility of being associated with other tools who have facial piercings isn't really a concern because I know I'm cool, and if other people can't see past two little pieces of metal amongst all the other things about my look to let themselves be interested in me, then that's their loss.
As a note, here are some pictures of Mike. I never had pictures of Brandon ( :/ ) to share with all of you, so it's neat to be able to let others see the person I'm with...
I get to wake up next to that, only naked :]
He speaks of losing weight and getting more muscular/ripped, and I'm like "But I like you the way you are!!!!" He contests with me liking that he feels solid and yet soft to touch, saying something along the lines of 'too bad, I'm losing it', "it" being the MINUTE layer of fat around his assuredly already-muscular build. What a dork.
And he'll probably whine that his facial hair is unruly, which it is, but I think he's lovely anyway!
His hair is unruly in the last few pictures (and covering his face!! Ahh!!), but you can see the cuteness.
Yeah, my boyfriend is hot. I'm not going to lie - I like it, a lot.
But it is rather irksome when slutty scene girls, or lame girls in general, try to get into his pants! In a way it's fun, though, because he always denies them, for me. Which is really something. I'm always rather surprised at how much he likes (and loves, but they're different) me. I like myself, too, but it's always nice to be able to amaze someone back when you find that person amazing as well.
Oh, and he has body piercings - you can probably see if you look hard enough, except for the one you won't see any pictures of as far as I'm concerned. Usually I don't care for them either way, but for some reason on him they're terribly, incredibly alluring to me. I think they look really good on him. These things about him surprise me - he has such a sweet personality, and then he has these sexy, sultry little details that keep me on my toes. Especially because he did the one himself. It's a very neat phenomenon.
He likes WoW and likes his job, and works really hard and wants to do the best he possibly can. He likes making other people happy and making them smile and laugh; he's wonderful to his mother and protects the people he loves. He's remarkably intelligent even if he isn't proficient at articulating it, but it only makes it more thrilling when I unearth it for myself. He loves learning new things and learning new ideas, especially about philosophical subjects such as existence, religion, and human nature. He is so adorable with his pets, and he likes holding my hand and holding me in public. The one thing I was extremely moved by was that he told his friends about me very early on; he told me he was nervous about it at first, but then he realized he didn't care what other people thought because he knew how he felt about me, and he was proud to be with me. Few things hurt more than being hidden by someone you care about, who tells you he cares about you in return. He's good at math and good at fixing things; he's good with his hands and very earnest. He's twenty-three and I'm always surprised at how I never feel it until I think about it. He doesn't make me feel embarassed and he's open-minded; he's clean and very mature about other people, and at the same time he can be very playfully silly.
I would continue, but I really want a Chinese pear right about now.
Wow, an actual update for once! With pictures and everything. Maybe I'll even get a few pictures of myself, once I re-dye my hair. I still have the rainbow, of course.
That's a delicious pear!!!!!!!!!!!
And I still love Sublime.