Notes
If anyone else is reading this, you'll probably be confused. I haven't written about my life in a long time and I'm picking up in the middle of a specific event. This is for me, so I don't care if the formatting is weird - I copy-pasted it from AIM. I don't have a need to make these entries private anymore.
bbroadhurst20: Yo yo
asphyxiateit: yooo
asphyxiateit: I was just about to take a shower
bbroadhurst20: haha
bbroadhurst20: I hope Brandon didnt make you cry
Auto Response from asphyxiateit:
Third street bikers
At Seventh street bars
Met Twelth Street whores
Screwed quick in cars
Are busted by cops from Fifth Street way
Who drive them all off toward Avenue A
asphyxiateit: no
asphyxiateit: I don't know what's going to happen
asphyxiateit: we arranged this thing where we won't talk on the phone and we're going to write letters instead
asphyxiateit: I actually went to my English teacher after school yesterday because I wanted his advice
asphyxiateit: he's this really wise, all-knowing old man
asphyxiateit: the minute I walked into the room I started crying really hard
asphyxiateit: lol
bbroadhurst20: lol
bbroadhurst20: aw
asphyxiateit: and he actually suggested a similar idea, where we each write a letter
asphyxiateit: it took me leaving Brandon for him to realize what he needs to change
asphyxiateit: he said that he hates the person he is now, that I left, and wants to be the person who deserved me and I thought he was at the best of times
asphyxiateit: I don't know how much he can change, but I guess I'll see
asphyxiateit: I don't know if I want to be with him again if he did change, and if I did if it would be for the right reasons
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: it's all very open to the future and I don't like that I can't get a lot of closure from that, but it's hard to just let everything go all at once
asphyxiateit: so I guess I'll do the letter thing and see what happens
bbroadhurst20: thats true
bbroadhurst20: it might go gradually, as time goes on
asphyxiateit: yeah
asphyxiateit: it would take a long time for him to change
asphyxiateit: I like Mike but I'm not completely over Brandon
asphyxiateit: so I don't know what will happen there
asphyxiateit: I wouldn't consider being with Brandon for a very long time anyway, not until he fixes himself, so I want to be with Mike now
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: I just don't like that Brandon is somewhere in my mind
bbroadhurst20: :-/
bbroadhurst20: *squeeze*
asphyxiateit: <3
asphyxiateit: did I tell you he's been reading my private posts since the Crazy Elf incident?
asphyxiateit: it wasn't just recently
bbroadhurst20: you mean on lj?
asphyxiateit: yeah
asphyxiateit: and MySpace, I guess, but I never did anything on MySpace until Mike
asphyxiateit: but all my private posts on livejournal, and there were a bunch
asphyxiateit: I use that thing a lot even if I don't post a lot
asphyxiateit: I do a lot of copy-pasting
asphyxiateit: go figure
asphyxiateit: he's had access to all of that since last November
asphyxiateit: at least
bbroadhurst20: hmmm
asphyxiateit: so any time I ever hid something or lied to him he would have known if I ever mentioned it, and I'm pretty sure I always did
asphyxiateit: he told me that the night before and I didn't even care anymore
bbroadhurst20: hmmm
asphyxiateit: I was actually glad
bbroadhurst20: as it was something to like him less for?
asphyxiateit: not really
asphyxiateit: I was glad he knew everything
asphyxiateit: there was a lot of stuff about him
asphyxiateit: and he knows about how I've been close to my friend, Joe, all this time even when he didn't want me to be and I told him I wasn't
bbroadhurst20: I see
asphyxiateit: it doesn't bother me that I hid things or lied about that
asphyxiateit: because we're not together anymore
bbroadhurst20: you kinda had to as some of his requests where a bit overbearing
asphyxiateit: that's the one thing I would need to change, my hiding things
asphyxiateit: yeah
bbroadhurst20: like his desire for you to ditch all your male friends that he saw as a threat
asphyxiateit: yeah
asphyxiateit: I asked him what he told his friends about me, and one of the things was that he tried to estrange me from people he thought would hurt our relationship
asphyxiateit: he finally told his friends about us, after we broke up
bbroadhurst20: hmmm
asphyxiateit: it always bothered me that he wouldn't tell other people
asphyxiateit: I still haven't told my family about him and I don't want to for a while now
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: the reason why I didn't up until the very end was because Brandon didn't want me to
bbroadhurst20: what with your mother being a nazi
bbroadhurst20: :-S
asphyxiateit: in the end he told me that I could if I wanted, but I was in no position to do that because he had to come down to see me and we didn't know how they'd react if they knew we were dating and he was actually here
asphyxiateit: because we still wanted to be alone together and all that
asphyxiateit: so it's not like I didn't have hard circumstances and I was just free to tell my family at my leisure
asphyxiateit: I don't want to tell them now because that would be one hell of a mess, and it would really hurt them
asphyxiateit: and I don't want to make things more complicated with Mike
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: I figure I'll tell them when I'm older
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: it's just annoying when my mother is like, you can't handle a relationship, you don't want to become too involved and serious, etc.
bbroadhurst20: oh, I didnt get chance to try what you wanted me to try
bbroadhurst20: rofl
asphyxiateit: and here I am having some kind of fucking life crisis
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: hahah!
bbroadhurst20: your mother is too protective of you
asphyxiateit: wtf do it when you take a shower
bbroadhurst20: lol
asphyxiateit: I understand she does it out of good intentions
asphyxiateit: I don't know how long she would be able to keep it up for, when I'm off to college
asphyxiateit: meh
asphyxiateit: did I tell you Brandon is moving from Boston to New York?
asphyxiateit: New York City, I think
bbroadhurst20: no, you didnt
bbroadhurst20: why's he moving?
asphyxiateit: job opportunities, but he told me when we had just broken up that he had been planning on coming down to meet my parents and telling his friends about us and moving to New York, and was going to tell me as Christmas gift
asphyxiateit: as a
asphyxiateit: but it was too late by then
asphyxiateit: he's still moving, though
bbroadhurst20: yeah
bbroadhurst20: maybe it might make it easier if you do ever get back together
asphyxiateit: it would; it's not as far away as Boston
asphyxiateit: but I don't know if we'll get back together
asphyxiateit: and if we do I don't know if it would be for the right reasons
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: that's what worries me
bbroadhurst20: nostalgia isnt a good reason
asphyxiateit: and I don't want a mere possibility to mess up the chances I have at something really nice
asphyxiateit: I'm not in a state to say I'm over him so it would be hard to freely enjoy what I have now anyway, but I don't want it to be that way all the time in the future
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: plus, I'm applying to this college in NYC where if I get in I'll pretty much definitely go there
asphyxiateit: so that would be crazy
asphyxiateit: it's either NYU (New York University) or Rutgers, which is here in New Jersey
asphyxiateit: they're far from each other anyway, but to actually be in the same city all the time would be madness
bbroadhurst20: yeah, if he stalks you, I'll string him up
bbroadhurst20: lol
asphyxiateit: I really don't know what I'd do
asphyxiateit: and it's hard to gauge how I'm feeling and what to do when I haven't been through this before
asphyxiateit: and because our relationship was unique already
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: I can't think clearly because I'm not over him
asphyxiateit: I don't know how easy it will be to get over him if that possibility is always over my head
asphyxiateit: but I think if the possibility were met it would be wonderful
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: it sucks that a possibility could keep me from finding something wonderful here, and I'm really questioning that
asphyxiateit: like trying to balance what I want in terms of handling that possibility, and trying to figure out what I can realistically do
asphyxiateit: it's unrealistic to just get over him
bbroadhurst20: yeah
bbroadhurst20: *hugs*
asphyxiateit: <3
bbroadhurst20: <3
asphyxiateit: you and my friend, Joe, are the two people I talk to about Brandon
bbroadhurst20: aw
asphyxiateit: Joe doesn't think I should go back
asphyxiateit: and he supports that Brandon won't change and I'm better withot him
asphyxiateit: without
asphyxiateit: he's been in a similar situation but with a girl our age
bbroadhurst20: yeah
asphyxiateit: so it's different in that respect, and because Brandon is honestly a unique person
asphyxiateit: but I always value and consider his opinion
asphyxiateit: I think he really helps keep me from going back too easily
asphyxiateit: and he's always supportive and I see him every day pretty much, so that's good
asphyxiateit: and you know everything about the history and you always listen and aren't biased at all
asphyxiateit: so I always value what you say
bbroadhurst20:
asphyxiateit: I'd go insane without you
bbroadhurst20: aaw, really?
asphyxiateit: without a doubt
asphyxiateit: I've copy-pasted like every conversation we've had about my issues
bbroadhurst20: so Brandon's read them all?
bbroadhurst20: hahaha
asphyxiateit: I save stuff like that because I don't need to write about it later when I tell you about it, because I've already said everything I Needed to say
asphyxiateit: probably
asphyxiateit: which is good
asphyxiateit: if he wanted the truth so badly
bbroadhurst20: yeah, he knew how much I disliked him anyway
bbroadhurst20: hey, guess what?
asphyxiateit: what?
bbroadhurst20: I love you
bbroadhurst20: !
asphyxiateit: I love you, tooooo
bbroadhurst20: <33
asphyxiateit: so hard
asphyxiateit: <3 <3
bbroadhurst20: haha
asphyxiateit: bff plz
bbroadhurst20: hardcore, in a platonic way
asphyxiateit: indeed
bbroadhurst20: lol
asphyxiateit: oh man, I really should take a shower
asphyxiateit: I have practice later and I should get it done before then or else I'll take one at like midnight
asphyxiateit: and sleep on my hair and get it all stupid-looking the next morning
bbroadhurst20: lol
asphyxiateit: I always feel like I just dump all my problems on you and then run!
asphyxiateit: >___<
bbroadhurst20: lol, its ok
bbroadhurst20: so long as you feel better afterwards
asphyxiateit: you're so amazing
asphyxiateit: you're one of the most important people in my life
bbroadhurst20: psh, nigga pls
asphyxiateit: freelz
asphyxiateit: ilucore
bbroadhurst20: ilu2x10000