Sometimes,
I look at my schoolmates' facebook pages and I think about the choices that brought me here. Today it was a lot about student council- and organization- related stuff. Sometimes it's about helping out my high school more, sometimes it's about... oh, I don't know. This and that. Being more active in my parish. Getting to know the people in my community. Joining leadership seminars. A whole host of what ifs.
Today, this morning, not half an hour ago, I was thinking about why I did not devote more time to the student council. I liked it. It was fun. It would definitely have helped me learn work ethic and maybe prepare me better for After College. A friend I worked with there is now invited to one of the most well-known leadership groups in the country, something my mom wanted me to join before.
And I think I could have, if I only spent more time doing that kind of thing. It wouldn't have been so bad. Just a little trade off by letting go of math (and, consequently, my course) in order to focus more on other things. That entire it's better to excel in one field than be mediocre in a dozen mentality.
But. No matter how many times I think that, I can't bring myself to quit. I chose my course for the challenge and, while I may have seriously underestimated the stress it could cause, to let go does not seem like an option. It's stupid, since I can't fight every battle and may as well have good reasons for the ones I do take on, but to drop out would seem to me like an entirely new level of failure - something unheard of that I will not ever let myself live down.
So, today, when I was reading posts about my schoolmates and how they're active in this organization and that, about how they enjoy and learn from their work, I thought about the choices I made to keep me from achieving anything like that - my opportunity costs, if you will.
I thought about my course and how I'm hardly excelling at it but how I'm too stupidly stubborn to give up. I thought about my friends - a much smaller and homogenized group (clearly not the ingredients for a vast network), but one in which I can find comfort and happiness and, cliche as it is, reasons to go on.
I thought about you - how we don't use post on each others' wall, how we're always together, how I don't want declarations - and how I don't know if, during the idle times of years ago, I remotely ever imagined you. I thought about how I cannot see things to be any other way now and how I cannot fully imagine next year.
I thought about my family and all the complexities that come with stashing a bunch of people under one roof, bound by social constraints and norms. I thought about the expectations, the disappointments - about settling for this because we cannot afford to have that.
I thought about what I have accomplished. Are they enough? Are they comparable? Should I really have devoted my time doing them instead of other tasks? Better yet: how can I do more? How can I do something of that level, of that magnitude? How?
It's too early, I miss my bed, and I am going to miss home quite terribly in less than two weeks. Anxious isn't quite the word, but I am excited and scared. It's a whole new level of something which I cannot place and am, in all honesty, a bit frightened to face.
Please.
This time next year I will be on the first semester of my last year in college. I pray that I will still be able to go through as I am doing so now.
Please. It's such a heavy word, laden with things I cannot and do not know how to articulate. But please, please, please. Not until we are ready.
It's wonderful, having someone to trust implicitly.
Thank You.
Today, this morning, not half an hour ago, I was thinking about why I did not devote more time to the student council. I liked it. It was fun. It would definitely have helped me learn work ethic and maybe prepare me better for After College. A friend I worked with there is now invited to one of the most well-known leadership groups in the country, something my mom wanted me to join before.
And I think I could have, if I only spent more time doing that kind of thing. It wouldn't have been so bad. Just a little trade off by letting go of math (and, consequently, my course) in order to focus more on other things. That entire it's better to excel in one field than be mediocre in a dozen mentality.
But. No matter how many times I think that, I can't bring myself to quit. I chose my course for the challenge and, while I may have seriously underestimated the stress it could cause, to let go does not seem like an option. It's stupid, since I can't fight every battle and may as well have good reasons for the ones I do take on, but to drop out would seem to me like an entirely new level of failure - something unheard of that I will not ever let myself live down.
So, today, when I was reading posts about my schoolmates and how they're active in this organization and that, about how they enjoy and learn from their work, I thought about the choices I made to keep me from achieving anything like that - my opportunity costs, if you will.
I thought about my course and how I'm hardly excelling at it but how I'm too stupidly stubborn to give up. I thought about my friends - a much smaller and homogenized group (clearly not the ingredients for a vast network), but one in which I can find comfort and happiness and, cliche as it is, reasons to go on.
I thought about you - how we don't use post on each others' wall, how we're always together, how I don't want declarations - and how I don't know if, during the idle times of years ago, I remotely ever imagined you. I thought about how I cannot see things to be any other way now and how I cannot fully imagine next year.
I thought about my family and all the complexities that come with stashing a bunch of people under one roof, bound by social constraints and norms. I thought about the expectations, the disappointments - about settling for this because we cannot afford to have that.
I thought about what I have accomplished. Are they enough? Are they comparable? Should I really have devoted my time doing them instead of other tasks? Better yet: how can I do more? How can I do something of that level, of that magnitude? How?
It's too early, I miss my bed, and I am going to miss home quite terribly in less than two weeks. Anxious isn't quite the word, but I am excited and scared. It's a whole new level of something which I cannot place and am, in all honesty, a bit frightened to face.
Please.
This time next year I will be on the first semester of my last year in college. I pray that I will still be able to go through as I am doing so now.
Please. It's such a heavy word, laden with things I cannot and do not know how to articulate. But please, please, please. Not until we are ready.
It's wonderful, having someone to trust implicitly.
Thank You.