You Could Have Had It All
IC Date: Day 11, Month 9, Turn 2, 7th Pass
Players: Vanya
Location: Vanya's Room
Synopsis: A letter to E'sere.
E'sere ...
I don't know when they'll be sending you away, but I know they aren't allowing you any visitors. I don't like saying things in letters, they're so impersonal. It's so much easier to talk in person, but ... There's so much to say, and I hardly know where to begin. Nor do I really know how to put it into words, but I will try. Hopefully you will get this before you leave for Telgar.
Telgar. I remember you talking about your cousin S'lien. I recall the bitterness and betrayal of your expressed. I hurt with you over that, and so many other things you told me. I believed you, E'sere, believed /in/ you. You asked me that day what I wanted, and I said I wanted to see you happy. Well, I wanted to see me happy, too, and I thought then the two were connected. Now, I'm not sure.
So much to say, but so few words seem to fit. You being found guilt hurt on so many levels. I wanted to protest, but I couldn't because the truth always comes out. Those of us who believed in you, trusted you, we wanted your nay-sayers to eat their words, but they couldn't because you were what they said you were. That hurt all of us deeply. Even so, E'sere, I still care. Maybe that makes me a fool, but I can't turn my emotions on and off. You were the reason I started feeling things again after so many turns of closing myself off. You made me care. Dare to hope and dream again. I can't ignore that, and just turn away from you. I don't want to be that person again. I want to be whole, and if that makes me foolish in your eyes, so be it. I guess I'm a fool.
As much as I care, I can't say I'm not disappointed. You could've had it all, E'sere -- the weyr, the admiration, the belief, the trust. You /did/ have it, and you threw it away. You were the hero riders followed, looked to for guidance. So many thought you were the one man who could make things right again. Maybe not everyone liked you, but they respected you. Eventually, you would have won them /all/ to your side. They would have handed it all to you because they all believed in you. Even now some still say you're a good man, and the regret for what you became is on more than one face.
You would've won the game in time, but you lost because you cheated.
What's sad is you knew the strategy. Knew the right moves, the most valuable pieces and how to use them. Knew what to say, how to say it, when to say it and to whom. You were winning. There was no /need/ to lie, or to hurt people. Your opponents were losing, E'sere. So many people were behind you, and you could have used them without the hurting. You knew the value of pawns, and had you played honestly, you would have won hands down. I don't know your reasons, nor do I ask for them. The game is over, and there's no way to undo the faulty moves. Had I known, I would have tried to stop you, but I'm not the player you are. I didn't know the truth then, and I still don't. Only /you/ know the truth, E'sere, and only you have the answers.
I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I hope so, because even knowing what you did, I still care for you. I saw something in you maybe no one else did. Something beyond the smirks and the wry smiles, the charm, the smooth talk. I saw a part of you that you keep well hidden. The part of you that could have done this without the hurting. It's in there, E'sere, but hidden beneath the anger and hate. That darkness is easy to see in retrospect, but a man's mask falls away when he sleeps, and I've watched you sleep.
I feel sorriest for Morelenth. He and I share something in common -- we both suffer because we love you. I miss him, and hope he recovers from the hurt he must feel. There's something about unconditional love that always hurts, that's the way of the world. I hope he takes care of you, and I hope you don't let the darkness inside you become all that you are. That will eventually destroy him and you both. Just give him the love he deserves, and maybe that will heal the wounds. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury.
There's really not much left to say. I hope to hear from you someday, but understand if I don't. Even if everything you said to me was a lie, /all/ of what I said to you was the truth. I'm a very bad liar, as you recall. It's just not in me to hate you, as much as I probably should.
Vanya
Players: Vanya
Location: Vanya's Room
Synopsis: A letter to E'sere.
E'sere ...
I don't know when they'll be sending you away, but I know they aren't allowing you any visitors. I don't like saying things in letters, they're so impersonal. It's so much easier to talk in person, but ... There's so much to say, and I hardly know where to begin. Nor do I really know how to put it into words, but I will try. Hopefully you will get this before you leave for Telgar.
Telgar. I remember you talking about your cousin S'lien. I recall the bitterness and betrayal of your expressed. I hurt with you over that, and so many other things you told me. I believed you, E'sere, believed /in/ you. You asked me that day what I wanted, and I said I wanted to see you happy. Well, I wanted to see me happy, too, and I thought then the two were connected. Now, I'm not sure.
So much to say, but so few words seem to fit. You being found guilt hurt on so many levels. I wanted to protest, but I couldn't because the truth always comes out. Those of us who believed in you, trusted you, we wanted your nay-sayers to eat their words, but they couldn't because you were what they said you were. That hurt all of us deeply. Even so, E'sere, I still care. Maybe that makes me a fool, but I can't turn my emotions on and off. You were the reason I started feeling things again after so many turns of closing myself off. You made me care. Dare to hope and dream again. I can't ignore that, and just turn away from you. I don't want to be that person again. I want to be whole, and if that makes me foolish in your eyes, so be it. I guess I'm a fool.
As much as I care, I can't say I'm not disappointed. You could've had it all, E'sere -- the weyr, the admiration, the belief, the trust. You /did/ have it, and you threw it away. You were the hero riders followed, looked to for guidance. So many thought you were the one man who could make things right again. Maybe not everyone liked you, but they respected you. Eventually, you would have won them /all/ to your side. They would have handed it all to you because they all believed in you. Even now some still say you're a good man, and the regret for what you became is on more than one face.
You would've won the game in time, but you lost because you cheated.
What's sad is you knew the strategy. Knew the right moves, the most valuable pieces and how to use them. Knew what to say, how to say it, when to say it and to whom. You were winning. There was no /need/ to lie, or to hurt people. Your opponents were losing, E'sere. So many people were behind you, and you could have used them without the hurting. You knew the value of pawns, and had you played honestly, you would have won hands down. I don't know your reasons, nor do I ask for them. The game is over, and there's no way to undo the faulty moves. Had I known, I would have tried to stop you, but I'm not the player you are. I didn't know the truth then, and I still don't. Only /you/ know the truth, E'sere, and only you have the answers.
I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I hope so, because even knowing what you did, I still care for you. I saw something in you maybe no one else did. Something beyond the smirks and the wry smiles, the charm, the smooth talk. I saw a part of you that you keep well hidden. The part of you that could have done this without the hurting. It's in there, E'sere, but hidden beneath the anger and hate. That darkness is easy to see in retrospect, but a man's mask falls away when he sleeps, and I've watched you sleep.
I feel sorriest for Morelenth. He and I share something in common -- we both suffer because we love you. I miss him, and hope he recovers from the hurt he must feel. There's something about unconditional love that always hurts, that's the way of the world. I hope he takes care of you, and I hope you don't let the darkness inside you become all that you are. That will eventually destroy him and you both. Just give him the love he deserves, and maybe that will heal the wounds. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury.
There's really not much left to say. I hope to hear from you someday, but understand if I don't. Even if everything you said to me was a lie, /all/ of what I said to you was the truth. I'm a very bad liar, as you recall. It's just not in me to hate you, as much as I probably should.
Vanya