If only God weren't so hard....
The first week is done.
There are so many reasons why I wish it had never started. And there are so many reasons why I am glad it has. But the Lord has me here for a reason, and He is faithful.
I am finding it so hard to face God here. There are many times when the memories rush back to me, memories of terrible times. Or times that were once amazing and now seem to stab a hole through my heart. Why did God bring me back here? Why do I have to go through such feelings?
There have been a lot of times this week that I have smiled and just went along with the happiness. So many of my friends see me as the bright and cheery one of the group, so in a way I do not want to let them down. So I smile and make them laugh. But my soul is in utter turmoil right now. I really don't know what to do, because there are few times that I can verbalize the pain that is within me. It is so hard because I also do not want to give off the impression of being depressed, for the Lord is to give us all joy.
I am so restless at times. I pray God will use tonight as a time of prayer and spiritual renewal. How I need both! I miss all of those I truly love in Christ. I feel as though the Bible Study that I was blessed with at the end of the summer, that was totally devoted to the Lord and His will for our lives, has been ripped away from me prematurely. But again, I must find faith in my Lord Jesus Christ. I wish I could verbalize to my friends and dearest loved ones the gut-wrenching pain that is within me, but I find it just stays silenced within the spreading soars of my heart. I know when the Lord needs me to open up I will. And when the Lord finds the right time to verbalize these things, I will speak. I do have Faith in Him and for His will in my life. He is just so big and so scary to me right now. Sooo big. My friend asked me the other day if I ever felt the urge just to hug God, and I told her no. If I "saw" God, then I would fall down to the ground and worship.
How is it that we can fear the same God who comforts us? Or fear the same God that loves us? All of these things are so big and I am so humbled by ever facet that I am only beginning to understand.
There are so many reasons why I wish it had never started. And there are so many reasons why I am glad it has. But the Lord has me here for a reason, and He is faithful.
I am finding it so hard to face God here. There are many times when the memories rush back to me, memories of terrible times. Or times that were once amazing and now seem to stab a hole through my heart. Why did God bring me back here? Why do I have to go through such feelings?
There have been a lot of times this week that I have smiled and just went along with the happiness. So many of my friends see me as the bright and cheery one of the group, so in a way I do not want to let them down. So I smile and make them laugh. But my soul is in utter turmoil right now. I really don't know what to do, because there are few times that I can verbalize the pain that is within me. It is so hard because I also do not want to give off the impression of being depressed, for the Lord is to give us all joy.
I am so restless at times. I pray God will use tonight as a time of prayer and spiritual renewal. How I need both! I miss all of those I truly love in Christ. I feel as though the Bible Study that I was blessed with at the end of the summer, that was totally devoted to the Lord and His will for our lives, has been ripped away from me prematurely. But again, I must find faith in my Lord Jesus Christ. I wish I could verbalize to my friends and dearest loved ones the gut-wrenching pain that is within me, but I find it just stays silenced within the spreading soars of my heart. I know when the Lord needs me to open up I will. And when the Lord finds the right time to verbalize these things, I will speak. I do have Faith in Him and for His will in my life. He is just so big and so scary to me right now. Sooo big. My friend asked me the other day if I ever felt the urge just to hug God, and I told her no. If I "saw" God, then I would fall down to the ground and worship.
How is it that we can fear the same God who comforts us? Or fear the same God that loves us? All of these things are so big and I am so humbled by ever facet that I am only beginning to understand.