(Paranoid Park) - a Gus Van Sant movie
This is one of those times, again, when you know there are better ways to handle a situation...yet you go the other way. Wait, that's not exactly right either...its one of those times when you have a sort of 'meltdown' of sorts or maybe the adult version of a tantrum; this problem could and should have stayed in your own personal world, but instead you spread your venom of uncalled negativity on to others. This in turn creates a whole slew of issues that also, now, require clean-up and mending.
Something like this usually starts off as a small, nagging problem which meets another and another and another till all together they're a giant army is issues begging to fire-away at the world. Eventually, you just...pew pew. And explode. This process of building and then collapsing would normally be alright if you kept it internal. However, in this current case my lack of explaining and rather ignoring of another's inquires to my mindset and mood has created some 'tension' or uncovered an unsightly void in communication abilities. Its rather childish and silly, actually. But yet here we are.
Are my shortcomings in a relationship always revolving around the same things? It appears so, plainly stated: I suck at communication when I'm upset or mad. Honestly, who isn't? I just happen to be one of those people who needs to have a time to 'explode' and often I'll will just be bright and dandy later. I just needed to blow it off, kind of be in my own world for that time. Its not an offense to others and the people I love, but my way of trying to, forgive this and all the other cliches, shelter them from the storm of my raging emotions. I'd rather not hurt people and say something that I don't 100% mean in my mind-altered state that comes about from being overly upset. I go around and around repeating myself until I've said it enough times that I've dealt with my issues. I know they won't go away, but I'll be able to process it better. I may not have the best methods of doing this, but that is how I've done it and I need you, him, the world to acknowledge that. I love you, not hate you, I love you, I love you, I don't want you to hate me. Please.
I promise I'm alright. I promise it will be better. Its this thing called distance, time zones, and an inability in me to clearly communicate my needs, our needs. Please believe me.
{33 days}
Something like this usually starts off as a small, nagging problem which meets another and another and another till all together they're a giant army is issues begging to fire-away at the world. Eventually, you just...pew pew. And explode. This process of building and then collapsing would normally be alright if you kept it internal. However, in this current case my lack of explaining and rather ignoring of another's inquires to my mindset and mood has created some 'tension' or uncovered an unsightly void in communication abilities. Its rather childish and silly, actually. But yet here we are.
Are my shortcomings in a relationship always revolving around the same things? It appears so, plainly stated: I suck at communication when I'm upset or mad. Honestly, who isn't? I just happen to be one of those people who needs to have a time to 'explode' and often I'll will just be bright and dandy later. I just needed to blow it off, kind of be in my own world for that time. Its not an offense to others and the people I love, but my way of trying to, forgive this and all the other cliches, shelter them from the storm of my raging emotions. I'd rather not hurt people and say something that I don't 100% mean in my mind-altered state that comes about from being overly upset. I go around and around repeating myself until I've said it enough times that I've dealt with my issues. I know they won't go away, but I'll be able to process it better. I may not have the best methods of doing this, but that is how I've done it and I need you, him, the world to acknowledge that. I love you, not hate you, I love you, I love you, I don't want you to hate me. Please.
I promise I'm alright. I promise it will be better. Its this thing called distance, time zones, and an inability in me to clearly communicate my needs, our needs. Please believe me.
{33 days}