Head Emptying - Extremely Miscellaneous Content Warning
I don't know where this one is going to go. I just know I have a lot of things running around in my head that I need to get down somewhere. I read a lot of things that get me thinking, and sooner or later it all runs together and pours out in one of these head emptying sessions.
I constantly re-evaluate everything I think, everything I believe. I'm one of those people who are never truly bored, not really ever idle, because I'm always thinking about what's going on. Only rarely have topics proven themselves to needing exception to this; Those I don't think about at all. Overanalyzing some things leads only to unnecessary contradiction and resulting paranoia, as I, and perhaps most humans tend to make things out to be worse scenarios than we should. It's a defense mechanism used to avoid disappointment and pain. Its only problem is it doesn't work when you're fully aware of yourself using it.
I don't believe in Karma. I've seen too much to the contrary to believe that people get what they deserve. I do. I always do, but I'm hardly arrogant enough to think such a force would cater solely to myself. I believe in philosophy, but none of the -isms it breeds. As complex as we have become, is it really possible to apply any convenient, prepackaged set of definitions to anyone? I believe in love, but am no longer sure love believes in me. It's rare enough I find someone whom I believe I could get to feel that way about, and when I do, they're usually far too amazing to want anything to do with me. I believe in love, lust, and addiction, and I believe in the differences between all three. I believe in the perfect life. I believe having someone that loves you for who you are, enough money to pay the bills, and a few hours a week to do what you enjoy should be enough for anyone.
I've been rather depressed lately. A myriad of things have been causing it, but every one of these things is either too insignificant by itself to mention here, or something I'm not really currently wanting to spill to just anyone. The reasons for it aren't important right now anyway, but what I choose to do about it as a whole is. Until now, I've chosen to ignore it. I've chosen to pretend to it doesn't exist, referring only to it as one of my demons, pretending it can't touch me, that it's not the reason I lay awake in my bed for hours every morning trying to fall asleep. And I've succeeded to some extent. But in this, I've lied to everyone I know. I thank Holly and Tara both for helping me realize this in their own little ways. So I'm changing, albeit with much difficulty. I find myself still maintaining a sheepish belief that some people have far too much to worry about without me heaping more onto it. Surely, a line must be drawn somewhere. But where is it drawn? Is this really what I should be doing anyway? What have I cost myself by not doing it, and what will I cost myself for starting?
I constantly re-evaluate everything I think, everything I believe. I'm one of those people who are never truly bored, not really ever idle, because I'm always thinking about what's going on. Only rarely have topics proven themselves to needing exception to this; Those I don't think about at all. Overanalyzing some things leads only to unnecessary contradiction and resulting paranoia, as I, and perhaps most humans tend to make things out to be worse scenarios than we should. It's a defense mechanism used to avoid disappointment and pain. Its only problem is it doesn't work when you're fully aware of yourself using it.
I don't believe in Karma. I've seen too much to the contrary to believe that people get what they deserve. I do. I always do, but I'm hardly arrogant enough to think such a force would cater solely to myself. I believe in philosophy, but none of the -isms it breeds. As complex as we have become, is it really possible to apply any convenient, prepackaged set of definitions to anyone? I believe in love, but am no longer sure love believes in me. It's rare enough I find someone whom I believe I could get to feel that way about, and when I do, they're usually far too amazing to want anything to do with me. I believe in love, lust, and addiction, and I believe in the differences between all three. I believe in the perfect life. I believe having someone that loves you for who you are, enough money to pay the bills, and a few hours a week to do what you enjoy should be enough for anyone.
I've been rather depressed lately. A myriad of things have been causing it, but every one of these things is either too insignificant by itself to mention here, or something I'm not really currently wanting to spill to just anyone. The reasons for it aren't important right now anyway, but what I choose to do about it as a whole is. Until now, I've chosen to ignore it. I've chosen to pretend to it doesn't exist, referring only to it as one of my demons, pretending it can't touch me, that it's not the reason I lay awake in my bed for hours every morning trying to fall asleep. And I've succeeded to some extent. But in this, I've lied to everyone I know. I thank Holly and Tara both for helping me realize this in their own little ways. So I'm changing, albeit with much difficulty. I find myself still maintaining a sheepish belief that some people have far too much to worry about without me heaping more onto it. Surely, a line must be drawn somewhere. But where is it drawn? Is this really what I should be doing anyway? What have I cost myself by not doing it, and what will I cost myself for starting?