023. Disappointment.
Recently things have been topsy turvy so to speak. Holidays ended which sent me into a long spiral downwards to cramming each and every project that was given before the holidays. What hurts the most is, I could've done it earlier but I didn't. So I crammed, and luckily enough extensions were given yet I failed to complete the task given to me. How disappointing is that? Heh, I'm being such an idiot. Same as to what I'm doing now, blogging when I'm supposed to finish two more projects, two more. Something's really wrong with me right now.
Issi is never late.
Issi never submits late.
Issi is never absent.
That was then...now It's the total opposite. I'm always late, I skip classes, and I cram and don't submit on time...really now, that's the worst really. I passed one project recently and it isn't even up to par. It isn't even up to standards. It isn't even FINISHED. I was, how to put it, ashamed. I didn't want to show my face to that professor again.
Deep inside I know you wanted that honors. You were close t graduating partly top of your class, so close yet you slowly messed it up and was left with nothing but honorable mention but...with what you're doing now, I bet you're going to lose that too. You act like you don't care Issi, but deep inside you are greedy. You want all those, you thrive out of acknowledgement, you want to be the best. You've been proving yourself for years, years of trying to beat and step out the very shadow of your older brother who snagged every single gold medal in high school, who's grade average never went lower than 96 and you were always stuck at 93 or even lower. You've had people look down on you upon seeing your card since your brother was far high up there. You tried, but it was always never enough and then came college, finally you shined. Dean's list almost every term....a possibility to be cum laude, a possibility to have honorable mentions...
Yet you're throwing it all away. Submitting below quality work, unfinished work. Sleeping and chatting and surfing the net instead of doing your responsibilities. What have I become? I don't know....I'm letting myself down. I want them to be proud of me but with how I am now I don't think they ever will be. Besides they know that I'm not ready mentally for work. I doubt myself, I'm afraid. OJT didn't help, I just found myself....not being able to deliver. You've been failing and failing. Now all you want is to pass...when before you're very goal was to get in that first honors list.
The worst thing about all this is that you know how you are. Yet you don't change...how many terms have you said that you'd change and do better? That you'll work hard and not submit late? You told that 3 or 2 terms ago and look what have you been doing? Nothing. You failed your midterms in a very easy subject why? Because you fell asleep. Same goes with some finals. Seriously...get yourself together.
You're pathetic. Such an idiot. Nothing you will ever reason out will be valid.
You were lazy. Now suffer the consequences.
On other matters, I think I've settled this thoughts that have been bugging me since New Year. Perhaps I should give it another chance...I know i'm the problem. I know I'm the one who's pushing him away. I know I'm the one not giving him enough attention, turning him down all the time. I know that. Maybe I have to try harder? Maybe I should share even a bit of attention to him? But what's there to talk about? What's there to look forward to? I still doubt myself. I still doubt my feelings. I even realized he isn't my type. Heh, what mess have you gotten yourself into..........
Again...consequences. Tsk. Such an idiot really. Get your head straight.....for your own sake.
Issi is never late.
Issi never submits late.
Issi is never absent.
That was then...now It's the total opposite. I'm always late, I skip classes, and I cram and don't submit on time...really now, that's the worst really. I passed one project recently and it isn't even up to par. It isn't even up to standards. It isn't even FINISHED. I was, how to put it, ashamed. I didn't want to show my face to that professor again.
Deep inside I know you wanted that honors. You were close t graduating partly top of your class, so close yet you slowly messed it up and was left with nothing but honorable mention but...with what you're doing now, I bet you're going to lose that too. You act like you don't care Issi, but deep inside you are greedy. You want all those, you thrive out of acknowledgement, you want to be the best. You've been proving yourself for years, years of trying to beat and step out the very shadow of your older brother who snagged every single gold medal in high school, who's grade average never went lower than 96 and you were always stuck at 93 or even lower. You've had people look down on you upon seeing your card since your brother was far high up there. You tried, but it was always never enough and then came college, finally you shined. Dean's list almost every term....a possibility to be cum laude, a possibility to have honorable mentions...
Yet you're throwing it all away. Submitting below quality work, unfinished work. Sleeping and chatting and surfing the net instead of doing your responsibilities. What have I become? I don't know....I'm letting myself down. I want them to be proud of me but with how I am now I don't think they ever will be. Besides they know that I'm not ready mentally for work. I doubt myself, I'm afraid. OJT didn't help, I just found myself....not being able to deliver. You've been failing and failing. Now all you want is to pass...when before you're very goal was to get in that first honors list.
The worst thing about all this is that you know how you are. Yet you don't change...how many terms have you said that you'd change and do better? That you'll work hard and not submit late? You told that 3 or 2 terms ago and look what have you been doing? Nothing. You failed your midterms in a very easy subject why? Because you fell asleep. Same goes with some finals. Seriously...get yourself together.
You're pathetic. Such an idiot. Nothing you will ever reason out will be valid.
You were lazy. Now suffer the consequences.
On other matters, I think I've settled this thoughts that have been bugging me since New Year. Perhaps I should give it another chance...I know i'm the problem. I know I'm the one who's pushing him away. I know I'm the one not giving him enough attention, turning him down all the time. I know that. Maybe I have to try harder? Maybe I should share even a bit of attention to him? But what's there to talk about? What's there to look forward to? I still doubt myself. I still doubt my feelings. I even realized he isn't my type. Heh, what mess have you gotten yourself into..........
Again...consequences. Tsk. Such an idiot really. Get your head straight.....for your own sake.