115.
I started the day sad, frustrated, insecure, tired and upset. Not to mention waking up late and almost not making it to work on time. I ended the day just about the same. Sad, frustrated, insecure, tired and upset. I welcomed my 23rd year alive and well just about the same.
Unintentional. Intentional. I don't know anymore.
Everyone else has a life. That's their reason. I get it. Everyone is busy. I know that too. Birthdays....will always suck.
Tomorrow won't be any different because I can't do anything about everything anymore. It's useless to even speak of what's on my mind because I can't do anything about it. I guess I would just need to comply. I'm good at that anyway. I just comply to please people because I know more than anything how I can be a burden to those around me. So I will...keep things as is. Give what they want. If they're happy with the set up then let it be. I can adjust. I can adapt. I can get used to this feeling...terrible feeling...I'll numb out eventually. I'll stop caring too much. Effort won't matter. What I think won't matter. What I feel is invalid. It will be kept to myself. Where I can slowly just dig my own grave. Slowly. Eventually.
Days are empty now. I need a new past time. If I keep trying and give things 2nd chances then what'll be left of me? It's emotional suicide don't you think? Being positive and optimistic doesn't get me anywhere.It just leaves me in this kind of disappointed state; a mess.
Mm. Yeah. I accept defeat. Everyone else wins.
I can only cling to the past and read logs of how conversations used to be. How effort and initiative used to be. How we used to be. Suppose I already saw this coming. Yet even then whether I explained it or not it wasn't listened to. But things are going as I thought they would and as I've been told...change is inevitable. So I concede defeat.
Crying about it won't help...but it does make my heart feel better. I'll get used to things. Don't worry I'll get better.
Unintentional. Intentional. I don't know anymore.
Everyone else has a life. That's their reason. I get it. Everyone is busy. I know that too. Birthdays....will always suck.
Tomorrow won't be any different because I can't do anything about everything anymore. It's useless to even speak of what's on my mind because I can't do anything about it. I guess I would just need to comply. I'm good at that anyway. I just comply to please people because I know more than anything how I can be a burden to those around me. So I will...keep things as is. Give what they want. If they're happy with the set up then let it be. I can adjust. I can adapt. I can get used to this feeling...terrible feeling...I'll numb out eventually. I'll stop caring too much. Effort won't matter. What I think won't matter. What I feel is invalid. It will be kept to myself. Where I can slowly just dig my own grave. Slowly. Eventually.
Days are empty now. I need a new past time. If I keep trying and give things 2nd chances then what'll be left of me? It's emotional suicide don't you think? Being positive and optimistic doesn't get me anywhere.It just leaves me in this kind of disappointed state; a mess.
Mm. Yeah. I accept defeat. Everyone else wins.
I can only cling to the past and read logs of how conversations used to be. How effort and initiative used to be. How we used to be. Suppose I already saw this coming. Yet even then whether I explained it or not it wasn't listened to. But things are going as I thought they would and as I've been told...change is inevitable. So I concede defeat.
Crying about it won't help...but it does make my heart feel better. I'll get used to things. Don't worry I'll get better.