Modelland by Tyra Banks
Title: Modelland by Tyra Banks
Rating: 1/5
Pages: 576 (but I read the eBook)
Genre: Fantasy
Summary (off Goodreads): No one gets in without being asked. And with her untamable hair, large forehead, and gawky body, Tookie De La Crème isn’t expecting an invitation. Modelland-the exclusive, mysterious place on top of the mountain-never dares to make an appearance in her dreams.
But someone has plans for Tookie. Before she can blink her mismatched eyes, Tookie finds herself in the very place every girl in the world obsesses about. And three unlikely girls have joined her.
Only seven extraordinary young women become Intoxibellas each year. Famous. Worshipped. Magical. What happens to those who don’t make it? Well, no one really speaks of that. Some things are better left unsaid.
Thrown into a world where she doesn’t seem to belong, Tookie glimpses a future that could be hers-if she survives the beastly Catwalk Corridor and terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp. Or could it? Dark rumors like silken threads swirl around the question of why Tookie and her new friends were selected . . . and the shadows around Modelland hide sinister secrets.
Are you ready? Modelland is waiting for you. . .
Ok, so I'm not going to lie. I started reading this book with the expectation that it was going to be horrendous. And, well... it was. And the fact that there are going to be TWO MORE of these atrocities makes me cringe. Tyra Banks. There are things that you are good at in life. Modelling, yes, writing books, no.
This book is just America's Next Top Model in a book. First off, the preaching makes you want to kill yourself. I mean, watching Tyra preach in her show is one thing, because at least we have pretty pictures and ridiculous drama to compensate, but we don't get that in this book. So when we have scenes where girl's faces melt off and then they're lectured about the perils of sharing make-up (which... really, who doesn't know that? I mean, if there is honestly any woman out there who didn't know that sharing make-up is bad news, I want you to comment on this post.)
Oh, and of course then there's the scene where we have the girl's introduced to the cafeteria and the four girls who are anorexic and this huge lecture about listening to your body and eating like it tells you to.
But here is the thing. Since Tyra Banks can't write, she then contradicts herself. Because those four girls who are crazy anorexic become the butt of everyone's jokes throughout the novel. Over and over again, the four "heroes", who are supposed to be the compassionate understanding ones because OMG they're different so therefore ugly, are teasing and making fun of the girls who are having real weight troubles. Great message you're sending there, Miss Banks.
Tyra also tries to send the message of independent woman in this novel but she takes it to the extreme, going on and on about how you don't need men and you don't need love and you just need yourself and to stand on your own two feet. She gets crazy ridiculous with it, and there is a certain amount of it that isn't supposed to be taken seriously. When the Belladonna comes in and says that you don't need ANY love in your life, I don't really think you're supposed to take that to heart. But Tyra is a terrible writer, so it's hard to tell.
But see, the problem is, her main character, Tookie, gets gushy about a boy all through the novel. First about Theophilus (no, I did not make that name up. In fact, I should warn you I did not make ANY of the names up.) and then about Bravo (who is, of course, the best looking guy in Modelland and did I mention completely modest and an amazing architect?.) Tookie constantly seems to be defined by the boy she likes.
Tyra is also trying to convey the message that beauty is unconventional. She's trying to convince us that Tookie and the other characters are not beautiful in the normal sense. But here's the problem with that. You have to DESCRIBE the characters for me to actually be able to tell if they're beautiful or not. Your four main characters in this book are Tookie, Dylan, Shiraz and Piper. I can tell you that Tookie has crazy hair, two different colored eyes (green and brown? Green and Blue? I don't remember), is tall and has big feet. She may or may not be African-American. It wasn't clear.
Dylan has large thighs.
Piper is Albino and is smart (though.. I guess that doesn't really have anything to do with her physical features.)
Shiraz is short. And that's all I can tell you about anyone in the book. Oh, and Ci~L has auburn hair because one of the girl's in Modelland was obsessed with her and kept changing her hair color. Other than Tookie's mother has a very wrinkled face, I can't picture anyone else's physical features in my mind. No one. For a book that's supposed to be all about how people look, she failed pretty hard core on how they look. Writing 101. Your readers should have a fairly clear picture of what your characters look like.
The story line was ridiculously insane and convoluted. The head of Modelland, who is the most cold hearted bitch you will ever meet in your life, actually knows Tookie's mother. In fact, they were friends in Modelland in their youth. And, low and behold, she's Ci-L's mother, the renegade model. And Ci-L's father... this random civilian that talked to Tookie sometime in the beginning of the book. Seriously. Plopped into the middle of the story with no context and was never talked about again until now. That, Miss Banks, is what we in the writing world call a plot device. And yours is REALLY OBVIOUS.
But here's the real kicker. Creamy, Tookie's mother, has always treated her horrendously, and Belladonna, has always treated Ci-L horrendously. Yet by the end of the book, it's one big love fest, with maybe the exception of Creamy. Tookie just can't seem to live without her mother and seems to forgive her of everything terrible she's done. Belladonna is gushing over Ci-L despite being and A-1 bitch the whole book and hating Ci-L and Ci-L, who mocked Belladonna ceaselessly for the whole book, can't seem to love her mother enough. I mean, COME ON!!! Scars just don't disappear that easily!
I know that my own childhood wasn't even NEARLY that bad and I barely speak to my mother! It would take more than finding out a woman is my mother for me to suddenly love her. I don't care what you say: just because someone proclaims themselves my mother doesn't make their sins suddenly disappear. It doesn't make everything right. And what about Tookie? She knew all along that Creamy was her mother and still she was treated like this. If anything, that would make the scars worse, make Tookie less likely to forgive her mother, especially because by book's end, Creamy still was treating Tookie ill.
Even if I could ignore the terrible characterization, the terrible plot points, the awful messages that Tyra Banks was putting in her books, I can't ignore the terrible writing.
"Anytime you feel like you need a permanent breather, if the going makes you want to go on a go-see to go see your mommy and daddy, along this journey will be doors for the most delicate dames marked Home."
"Myrracle wasn't the brightest tube of lipstick in the makeup caddy."
"You begin your mornings staring at the fog, longing for the fateful evening when it will turn a golden yellow and then, finally, like a push-up brassiere, lift."
These are just a few of the metaphors and similes that are in this book for your enjoyment. Not to mention Bravo (the oh-so-perfect male that Tookie falls for) telling Tookie that her "First time should be special." It's like reading bad fanfiction... only worse when you realized someone actually published this book.
Basically, this book lived up to every expectation I had for it. I mean, let's face it, we don't read Tyra Banks for the good literature. We read it for the terrible slang (because everyone in this book said, Gurl!). I just wish she had included pictures. I would have given it two stars.
Haven't picked out my next book to read yet, but I'll let you know.
As always, you can find this review and all other on Goodreads, Username: Natalia173
Rating: 1/5
Pages: 576 (but I read the eBook)
Genre: Fantasy
Summary (off Goodreads): No one gets in without being asked. And with her untamable hair, large forehead, and gawky body, Tookie De La Crème isn’t expecting an invitation. Modelland-the exclusive, mysterious place on top of the mountain-never dares to make an appearance in her dreams.
But someone has plans for Tookie. Before she can blink her mismatched eyes, Tookie finds herself in the very place every girl in the world obsesses about. And three unlikely girls have joined her.
Only seven extraordinary young women become Intoxibellas each year. Famous. Worshipped. Magical. What happens to those who don’t make it? Well, no one really speaks of that. Some things are better left unsaid.
Thrown into a world where she doesn’t seem to belong, Tookie glimpses a future that could be hers-if she survives the beastly Catwalk Corridor and terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp. Or could it? Dark rumors like silken threads swirl around the question of why Tookie and her new friends were selected . . . and the shadows around Modelland hide sinister secrets.
Are you ready? Modelland is waiting for you. . .
Ok, so I'm not going to lie. I started reading this book with the expectation that it was going to be horrendous. And, well... it was. And the fact that there are going to be TWO MORE of these atrocities makes me cringe. Tyra Banks. There are things that you are good at in life. Modelling, yes, writing books, no.
This book is just America's Next Top Model in a book. First off, the preaching makes you want to kill yourself. I mean, watching Tyra preach in her show is one thing, because at least we have pretty pictures and ridiculous drama to compensate, but we don't get that in this book. So when we have scenes where girl's faces melt off and then they're lectured about the perils of sharing make-up (which... really, who doesn't know that? I mean, if there is honestly any woman out there who didn't know that sharing make-up is bad news, I want you to comment on this post.)
Oh, and of course then there's the scene where we have the girl's introduced to the cafeteria and the four girls who are anorexic and this huge lecture about listening to your body and eating like it tells you to.
But here is the thing. Since Tyra Banks can't write, she then contradicts herself. Because those four girls who are crazy anorexic become the butt of everyone's jokes throughout the novel. Over and over again, the four "heroes", who are supposed to be the compassionate understanding ones because OMG they're different so therefore ugly, are teasing and making fun of the girls who are having real weight troubles. Great message you're sending there, Miss Banks.
Tyra also tries to send the message of independent woman in this novel but she takes it to the extreme, going on and on about how you don't need men and you don't need love and you just need yourself and to stand on your own two feet. She gets crazy ridiculous with it, and there is a certain amount of it that isn't supposed to be taken seriously. When the Belladonna comes in and says that you don't need ANY love in your life, I don't really think you're supposed to take that to heart. But Tyra is a terrible writer, so it's hard to tell.
But see, the problem is, her main character, Tookie, gets gushy about a boy all through the novel. First about Theophilus (no, I did not make that name up. In fact, I should warn you I did not make ANY of the names up.) and then about Bravo (who is, of course, the best looking guy in Modelland and did I mention completely modest and an amazing architect?.) Tookie constantly seems to be defined by the boy she likes.
Tyra is also trying to convey the message that beauty is unconventional. She's trying to convince us that Tookie and the other characters are not beautiful in the normal sense. But here's the problem with that. You have to DESCRIBE the characters for me to actually be able to tell if they're beautiful or not. Your four main characters in this book are Tookie, Dylan, Shiraz and Piper. I can tell you that Tookie has crazy hair, two different colored eyes (green and brown? Green and Blue? I don't remember), is tall and has big feet. She may or may not be African-American. It wasn't clear.
Dylan has large thighs.
Piper is Albino and is smart (though.. I guess that doesn't really have anything to do with her physical features.)
Shiraz is short. And that's all I can tell you about anyone in the book. Oh, and Ci~L has auburn hair because one of the girl's in Modelland was obsessed with her and kept changing her hair color. Other than Tookie's mother has a very wrinkled face, I can't picture anyone else's physical features in my mind. No one. For a book that's supposed to be all about how people look, she failed pretty hard core on how they look. Writing 101. Your readers should have a fairly clear picture of what your characters look like.
The story line was ridiculously insane and convoluted. The head of Modelland, who is the most cold hearted bitch you will ever meet in your life, actually knows Tookie's mother. In fact, they were friends in Modelland in their youth. And, low and behold, she's Ci-L's mother, the renegade model. And Ci-L's father... this random civilian that talked to Tookie sometime in the beginning of the book. Seriously. Plopped into the middle of the story with no context and was never talked about again until now. That, Miss Banks, is what we in the writing world call a plot device. And yours is REALLY OBVIOUS.
But here's the real kicker. Creamy, Tookie's mother, has always treated her horrendously, and Belladonna, has always treated Ci-L horrendously. Yet by the end of the book, it's one big love fest, with maybe the exception of Creamy. Tookie just can't seem to live without her mother and seems to forgive her of everything terrible she's done. Belladonna is gushing over Ci-L despite being and A-1 bitch the whole book and hating Ci-L and Ci-L, who mocked Belladonna ceaselessly for the whole book, can't seem to love her mother enough. I mean, COME ON!!! Scars just don't disappear that easily!
I know that my own childhood wasn't even NEARLY that bad and I barely speak to my mother! It would take more than finding out a woman is my mother for me to suddenly love her. I don't care what you say: just because someone proclaims themselves my mother doesn't make their sins suddenly disappear. It doesn't make everything right. And what about Tookie? She knew all along that Creamy was her mother and still she was treated like this. If anything, that would make the scars worse, make Tookie less likely to forgive her mother, especially because by book's end, Creamy still was treating Tookie ill.
Even if I could ignore the terrible characterization, the terrible plot points, the awful messages that Tyra Banks was putting in her books, I can't ignore the terrible writing.
"Anytime you feel like you need a permanent breather, if the going makes you want to go on a go-see to go see your mommy and daddy, along this journey will be doors for the most delicate dames marked Home."
"Myrracle wasn't the brightest tube of lipstick in the makeup caddy."
"You begin your mornings staring at the fog, longing for the fateful evening when it will turn a golden yellow and then, finally, like a push-up brassiere, lift."
These are just a few of the metaphors and similes that are in this book for your enjoyment. Not to mention Bravo (the oh-so-perfect male that Tookie falls for) telling Tookie that her "First time should be special." It's like reading bad fanfiction... only worse when you realized someone actually published this book.
Basically, this book lived up to every expectation I had for it. I mean, let's face it, we don't read Tyra Banks for the good literature. We read it for the terrible slang (because everyone in this book said, Gurl!). I just wish she had included pictures. I would have given it two stars.
Haven't picked out my next book to read yet, but I'll let you know.
As always, you can find this review and all other on Goodreads, Username: Natalia173