It's been a long time since I came around
I'm back! I'm back! I'm back I'm back I'm baaaack!
It's weird coming back after over a year of not posting anything. I'm going to assume anyone reading this has kept up with a lot of the big stuff on Facebook (ie. the new car, moving in with Alex, new job, etc.). A lot happens in a year.
I'm back because I don't feel comfortable sharing my feelings right now with everyone on my Facebook friends list. There was a golden age where you could truly be yourself and put 90% of your feelings out there for all to see, but given how many coworkers, bosses (past and present), family members, relatives of Alex, and so on can see my posts these days, I don't want them to get the wrong idea or get super concerned for my well being.
The truth is, I am in a really good place. Deep down, I know how lucky I am to get to the point that I'm at today. I'm finally out on my own, which is terrifying on the one hand because I've never done this before. On the other, it's so nice to be able to stay up as late as I want to, keep all the foods I want to in my own fridge (including wine!) without my mom pouring them out or throwing them away, and be a hop, skip and a jump away from wherever I want to be. I think a big part of the reason why I'm so anxious all the time is that I'm worried about money. My savings are gone; I have about $29 in my checking account right now until I get paid again. The reason why my vast safety net disappeared is because when Alex and I moved out, the company he was working for was consistently screwing up his paychecks. He would work two weeks, the paystub would be incorrect when he viewed it, and it would take a full week to correct it. So, he was going three weeks to get a two-week paycheck, and while that may be a minor annoyance once or twice, this happened every two weeks for two months. Besides, it wasn't like he was making great money when the paychecks WERE fixed. As a result, he has switched companies, but until he gets his first check from them, I haven't been reimbursed for the first month's rent. Add to that the fact that every fucking bill we have is inflated thanks to deposits, and you get a very, very broke couple. I'm living sparingly off of my credit card until we get back on our feet. It sucks butt.
Anyway, the money issues will be significantly reduced once Alex starts getting paid again and when my promotion really kicks in. (PS I got promoted to shift supervisor in three months. Allow me to gloat. :D ) If I've been informed correctly, I'll be making $1.65 more per hour, which will be more than enough to pay all the bills and put money away. I'm almost done with training and I should be running my own shifts in the next few weeks. I'm excited, but at the same time, I'm a perfectionist in the way that I work. When I first started the new job, I was terrified of messing up, but everyone I worked with told me I was doing phenomenally well even though I was so new. It wasn't until I was approached about moving up that I finally relaxed and believed I was really doing a good job, and I started to sleep better at night. (And yes, I know it's kind of pathetic to worry about this type of work, but I take a lot of pride in working my ass off no matter what the profession is. Sure, I may be making coffee for a living, but I'm bound and determined to kick ass!)
I started to worry again when one of my coworkers started to resent me around the time of my promotion. At first, I thought she was just in a bad mood when coming to work, but she never reached out to me. She would only speak to me if I engaged her in conversation. I don't know what I did or when, but it got to the point where I would say hi and bye to her, and she never acknowledged it. She became more and more curt, and finally, I stopped with the formalities. She yells at me when I make her drinks because she orders stupid fucking drinks and gets upset that I can't read her mind. (She's one of those people who will order nonfat milk with whipped cream on top. She haz the dumb.) She'll bark at me to do something and then yell at me later for doing it and not using my own judgment on a situation. (I know I'm being vague, but I don't want anyone googling my company or me to find this blog and cause an uproar.) I've confided in one of my coworkers about it who thinks that Bitchface (as I've nicknamed her) is just jealous because I do well and I get recognized by upper management for it. Indeed, my promotion wouldn't have happened as fast as it has if our district manager hadn't observed me working one day and decided the sun shined out of my ass for whatever reason.
Anyway, I discovered that Bitchface blocked me on Facebook. I have made NO attempt to contact her on there; I haven't messaged her, I never commented on anything that she did even though we have mutual friends, I never "liked" any of her comments, and I sure as hell never sent her a friend request. I noticed she disappeared from the site, and with the magic of my deactivated profile circa sophomore-junior year, I logged into it for about thirty seconds to confirm my suspicions. Sure enough, she magically appeared when I was logged into an alternate account. Call me crazy, but you don't block someone who has made no attempt to contact you unless you really just want to pretend that they don't exist because you irrationally hate them that much.
All that aside, even though I'm pleased as punch that Alex is loving his new job, one of his assignments is to patrol the WORST neighborhood in town. Like, this place is surrounded by a chain-link fence with barbed wire at the top and is where the vast majority of drug deals go down around here, and it's known for violence and various other illicit activities that everyone pretends doesn't happen in this city. (Number one place to live in 'murica! Yeeeah!) On his first night, Alex and his partner got to hold someone at gunpoint, break up a giant party of belligerent drunk people, arrest and bar two guys who had no I.D. on themselves but had a vast amount of cash (while walking around this sketchy neighborhood at 2 AM going to visit a "friend" whose name and address they couldn't remember), and God only knows what else happened that Alex edited out so that I wouldn't worry. Today is day two at this particular site, and even though his company has had the contract for this place for six months without any of their guys getting harmed, it only takes once! Alex thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion and asks me what I'm going to do if/when he becomes a police officer like he aspires to be, but training is significantly longer for police work, the pay is a hell of a lot better, and you're an actual officer, not armed security. But hey, what do I know?
So...on top of all that (and probably because of it), my sleep patterns have gone to utter shit. I've been trying to get to bed earlier especially on nights when I know I have to be up early the next morning, but something ALWAYS wakes me up in the middle of the night. It can be anything; the train passing by, Alex coming home from work, Alex getting ready and then coming to bed (you can't access our bathroom without coming through the bedroom), the noisy drunk passersby, the sketchy people who hang out directly under my bedroom window and shout all night long, the ambulances on their way to the hospital less than a mile down the road, either of our cats, etc. etc. etc. etc. I take melatonin and that usually helps, but I woke up in the middle of the night last night sweating and shaking convinced that I was dying. I think it was just a bad dream and that I panicked because I felt fine once I got up a few hours later for work, but my skin was literally on fire. I was wearing a nightshirt and undies and that's IT, and Alex is infamous for keeping the apartment cold as a crypt. I had a really rough week a couple of weeks ago where I had the rhino virus from hell, and after calling out of work, I got so anxious that I spent quite a few days and nights crying when I was home. I improved when Alex caught me and let me talk it out, but I felt silly afterward and I feel extremely guilty when I make him (or anyone else) worry about me.
So, I finally have health insurance again (yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and I've been seriously thinking about going to see a psychologist. I'm not suicidal, I've never even entertained the idea of self harm and I have no desire to hurt anyone else. What I'm concerned about is the toll that my lack of stress management is taking on my body, and that is making things infinitely worse. I know that suffering and going through rough times is human, but when I can't sleep, my body aches all the time, and I start crying as soon as I get home and unwind, I don't think reaching out for professional help can hurt. I'd rather talk things out before I develop an ulcer and become agoraphobic and hole myself up in my room with my kitties, you know?
So, that's the less pretty version of what's been going on in my life lately. Pumpkin Queen, I know you're still here in LJ land. Is anyone else here or did everyone abandon ship for FaceSpace? Helloooooooooooooooooooo?
It's weird coming back after over a year of not posting anything. I'm going to assume anyone reading this has kept up with a lot of the big stuff on Facebook (ie. the new car, moving in with Alex, new job, etc.). A lot happens in a year.
I'm back because I don't feel comfortable sharing my feelings right now with everyone on my Facebook friends list. There was a golden age where you could truly be yourself and put 90% of your feelings out there for all to see, but given how many coworkers, bosses (past and present), family members, relatives of Alex, and so on can see my posts these days, I don't want them to get the wrong idea or get super concerned for my well being.
The truth is, I am in a really good place. Deep down, I know how lucky I am to get to the point that I'm at today. I'm finally out on my own, which is terrifying on the one hand because I've never done this before. On the other, it's so nice to be able to stay up as late as I want to, keep all the foods I want to in my own fridge (including wine!) without my mom pouring them out or throwing them away, and be a hop, skip and a jump away from wherever I want to be. I think a big part of the reason why I'm so anxious all the time is that I'm worried about money. My savings are gone; I have about $29 in my checking account right now until I get paid again. The reason why my vast safety net disappeared is because when Alex and I moved out, the company he was working for was consistently screwing up his paychecks. He would work two weeks, the paystub would be incorrect when he viewed it, and it would take a full week to correct it. So, he was going three weeks to get a two-week paycheck, and while that may be a minor annoyance once or twice, this happened every two weeks for two months. Besides, it wasn't like he was making great money when the paychecks WERE fixed. As a result, he has switched companies, but until he gets his first check from them, I haven't been reimbursed for the first month's rent. Add to that the fact that every fucking bill we have is inflated thanks to deposits, and you get a very, very broke couple. I'm living sparingly off of my credit card until we get back on our feet. It sucks butt.
Anyway, the money issues will be significantly reduced once Alex starts getting paid again and when my promotion really kicks in. (PS I got promoted to shift supervisor in three months. Allow me to gloat. :D ) If I've been informed correctly, I'll be making $1.65 more per hour, which will be more than enough to pay all the bills and put money away. I'm almost done with training and I should be running my own shifts in the next few weeks. I'm excited, but at the same time, I'm a perfectionist in the way that I work. When I first started the new job, I was terrified of messing up, but everyone I worked with told me I was doing phenomenally well even though I was so new. It wasn't until I was approached about moving up that I finally relaxed and believed I was really doing a good job, and I started to sleep better at night. (And yes, I know it's kind of pathetic to worry about this type of work, but I take a lot of pride in working my ass off no matter what the profession is. Sure, I may be making coffee for a living, but I'm bound and determined to kick ass!)
I started to worry again when one of my coworkers started to resent me around the time of my promotion. At first, I thought she was just in a bad mood when coming to work, but she never reached out to me. She would only speak to me if I engaged her in conversation. I don't know what I did or when, but it got to the point where I would say hi and bye to her, and she never acknowledged it. She became more and more curt, and finally, I stopped with the formalities. She yells at me when I make her drinks because she orders stupid fucking drinks and gets upset that I can't read her mind. (She's one of those people who will order nonfat milk with whipped cream on top. She haz the dumb.) She'll bark at me to do something and then yell at me later for doing it and not using my own judgment on a situation. (I know I'm being vague, but I don't want anyone googling my company or me to find this blog and cause an uproar.) I've confided in one of my coworkers about it who thinks that Bitchface (as I've nicknamed her) is just jealous because I do well and I get recognized by upper management for it. Indeed, my promotion wouldn't have happened as fast as it has if our district manager hadn't observed me working one day and decided the sun shined out of my ass for whatever reason.
Anyway, I discovered that Bitchface blocked me on Facebook. I have made NO attempt to contact her on there; I haven't messaged her, I never commented on anything that she did even though we have mutual friends, I never "liked" any of her comments, and I sure as hell never sent her a friend request. I noticed she disappeared from the site, and with the magic of my deactivated profile circa sophomore-junior year, I logged into it for about thirty seconds to confirm my suspicions. Sure enough, she magically appeared when I was logged into an alternate account. Call me crazy, but you don't block someone who has made no attempt to contact you unless you really just want to pretend that they don't exist because you irrationally hate them that much.
All that aside, even though I'm pleased as punch that Alex is loving his new job, one of his assignments is to patrol the WORST neighborhood in town. Like, this place is surrounded by a chain-link fence with barbed wire at the top and is where the vast majority of drug deals go down around here, and it's known for violence and various other illicit activities that everyone pretends doesn't happen in this city. (Number one place to live in 'murica! Yeeeah!) On his first night, Alex and his partner got to hold someone at gunpoint, break up a giant party of belligerent drunk people, arrest and bar two guys who had no I.D. on themselves but had a vast amount of cash (while walking around this sketchy neighborhood at 2 AM going to visit a "friend" whose name and address they couldn't remember), and God only knows what else happened that Alex edited out so that I wouldn't worry. Today is day two at this particular site, and even though his company has had the contract for this place for six months without any of their guys getting harmed, it only takes once! Alex thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion and asks me what I'm going to do if/when he becomes a police officer like he aspires to be, but training is significantly longer for police work, the pay is a hell of a lot better, and you're an actual officer, not armed security. But hey, what do I know?
So...on top of all that (and probably because of it), my sleep patterns have gone to utter shit. I've been trying to get to bed earlier especially on nights when I know I have to be up early the next morning, but something ALWAYS wakes me up in the middle of the night. It can be anything; the train passing by, Alex coming home from work, Alex getting ready and then coming to bed (you can't access our bathroom without coming through the bedroom), the noisy drunk passersby, the sketchy people who hang out directly under my bedroom window and shout all night long, the ambulances on their way to the hospital less than a mile down the road, either of our cats, etc. etc. etc. etc. I take melatonin and that usually helps, but I woke up in the middle of the night last night sweating and shaking convinced that I was dying. I think it was just a bad dream and that I panicked because I felt fine once I got up a few hours later for work, but my skin was literally on fire. I was wearing a nightshirt and undies and that's IT, and Alex is infamous for keeping the apartment cold as a crypt. I had a really rough week a couple of weeks ago where I had the rhino virus from hell, and after calling out of work, I got so anxious that I spent quite a few days and nights crying when I was home. I improved when Alex caught me and let me talk it out, but I felt silly afterward and I feel extremely guilty when I make him (or anyone else) worry about me.
So, I finally have health insurance again (yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and I've been seriously thinking about going to see a psychologist. I'm not suicidal, I've never even entertained the idea of self harm and I have no desire to hurt anyone else. What I'm concerned about is the toll that my lack of stress management is taking on my body, and that is making things infinitely worse. I know that suffering and going through rough times is human, but when I can't sleep, my body aches all the time, and I start crying as soon as I get home and unwind, I don't think reaching out for professional help can hurt. I'd rather talk things out before I develop an ulcer and become agoraphobic and hole myself up in my room with my kitties, you know?
So, that's the less pretty version of what's been going on in my life lately. Pumpkin Queen, I know you're still here in LJ land. Is anyone else here or did everyone abandon ship for FaceSpace? Helloooooooooooooooooooo?