Man... damn damn damn damn damn
My sister is in the hospital, very much in pain, rather sick. I hate this with all passion. She doesn't deserve to feel bad, not at all. Didn't deserve to have cancer at 35, and doesn't deserve to have problems recovering from the treatments.
My mom's on her way out there now. She and Keith are fighting... I don't know about what. That sucks, she's terribly upset now, in great pain, worried out of her mind. It's a gawdaful mess, I don't pretend to understand anything. I just know I want my sister to be better. And here I am, typing about it, because there's nothing I can do. What the fuck....
It's one thing after another, seems like. Life always throws you something to worry about, something to throw a monkey wrench into what could be happiness. I finally come to a sense of peace about Natalie, realize that what she wants here actually is for the best, decide that whatever happens will be and that no matter what the friendship has to come first. I'm at peace with that, and now this.
I don't understand life. I really don't. I've always thought as life as a test of the soul. I believe in an afterlife, heaven and hell actually make sense to me. I've always thought that life is a test to see what you deserve.
I don't understand though, why some people have it so easy and others have it so hard. Some people are put through so much while others get off so easy.
Me, I've got it easy. Really, really easy. It's the people I care about who seem to have a hard go of things. At least lately it seems that way. I'm always looking at someone I love in pain, someone I care about going through something miserable. That's the worst to me. Worse than dealing with it myself. I hate the helpless feeling, standing there and watching with nothing I can do to help. All I can offer are words, but they're so often so useless. I don't want to say "everything will be ok," I want to make everything be ok. And I can't, so often.
I wanted to run away. That's what Austin was about to me. It was a chance to run away from everyone and everything. Not leave anyone totally behind, but distance myself from it all. Comfortable distance, so it doesn't hit me so hard all the time. See no evil, hear no evil, that kind of thing. I realize that's the ultimate cowardice, and I realize that it won't work anyway. Doesn't matter how far I run, I'm never going to stop caring.
Austin was to be a means of escape, and now I know it's just going to be distance I don't want. I'm generally useless, true, not because I'm a useless person, but just because there's nothing I can do to cure sick people. But I want to be there anyway. I don't like feeling helpless, but I'm just going to feel more helpless sitting in Austin. The problems will be there anyway, even though I won't see them on a daily basis I'll still care, and I'll feel like a total bum essentially abandoning everyone.
I guess I don't even know what I want anymore. Austin seemed like paradise a few months ago. I remember when I got my acceptance letter, I just about blew up I was so damn excited. Now... now things are different.
I want to be here, I want to help the people I care about in any way I can. My sister, my parents, my friends. My life is here, the people I care about are here. I want to be here so if something comes up, these people can lean on me instantly, for whatever. I'm useless, totally useless, in Austin. I'm a phone call and 200 miles away. I'm three hours away. But I feel like if I can serve any purpose here, emotional support, household chores, you name it, then this is where I belong.
My desire to stay doesn't change anything though. I'm going. I guess the best I can do now is make it perfectly clear that if I'm needed, all they have to do is call. I'll be on the next bus/train/carpool/hitchhike/whatever the hell else I can find home. That goes for everyone, for anyone. Too many people I care about here. Too many people I help that I'm leaving to fend for themselves. It's not about these people helping me, though they do, greatly. I want to help.
But I'm going. There's a difference between leaving them behind and keeping them close to me despite the distance, I know. I'll do everything to keep them close. Justin and LynDee, my family, Natalie, everyone else. It's the people in your life who make it a life, and my life is here.
There are new people in Austin, but there's no family, there's no Justin and LynDee, there's no Natalie. These are the people who mean something, the people who count on me, and who I count on. I don't ever want to lose that, not with any of them.
I'm torn. I'm going. I know I should be excited, I know I should be looking forward. Instead, all I can do is think that I'm letting everyone down. I know that's stupid, nobody has to tell me that's stupid. I know it's illogical, I know I have my own life to live blah blah blah. But it's how I feel. I feel like I'm letting everyone who counts on me down.
I guess that's all for now. Germany beat the U.S. 1-0. Suck. Suck.
I just want my sister to be ok. Maybe if that could just happen, all this would settle down in my head.
My mom's on her way out there now. She and Keith are fighting... I don't know about what. That sucks, she's terribly upset now, in great pain, worried out of her mind. It's a gawdaful mess, I don't pretend to understand anything. I just know I want my sister to be better. And here I am, typing about it, because there's nothing I can do. What the fuck....
It's one thing after another, seems like. Life always throws you something to worry about, something to throw a monkey wrench into what could be happiness. I finally come to a sense of peace about Natalie, realize that what she wants here actually is for the best, decide that whatever happens will be and that no matter what the friendship has to come first. I'm at peace with that, and now this.
I don't understand life. I really don't. I've always thought as life as a test of the soul. I believe in an afterlife, heaven and hell actually make sense to me. I've always thought that life is a test to see what you deserve.
I don't understand though, why some people have it so easy and others have it so hard. Some people are put through so much while others get off so easy.
Me, I've got it easy. Really, really easy. It's the people I care about who seem to have a hard go of things. At least lately it seems that way. I'm always looking at someone I love in pain, someone I care about going through something miserable. That's the worst to me. Worse than dealing with it myself. I hate the helpless feeling, standing there and watching with nothing I can do to help. All I can offer are words, but they're so often so useless. I don't want to say "everything will be ok," I want to make everything be ok. And I can't, so often.
I wanted to run away. That's what Austin was about to me. It was a chance to run away from everyone and everything. Not leave anyone totally behind, but distance myself from it all. Comfortable distance, so it doesn't hit me so hard all the time. See no evil, hear no evil, that kind of thing. I realize that's the ultimate cowardice, and I realize that it won't work anyway. Doesn't matter how far I run, I'm never going to stop caring.
Austin was to be a means of escape, and now I know it's just going to be distance I don't want. I'm generally useless, true, not because I'm a useless person, but just because there's nothing I can do to cure sick people. But I want to be there anyway. I don't like feeling helpless, but I'm just going to feel more helpless sitting in Austin. The problems will be there anyway, even though I won't see them on a daily basis I'll still care, and I'll feel like a total bum essentially abandoning everyone.
I guess I don't even know what I want anymore. Austin seemed like paradise a few months ago. I remember when I got my acceptance letter, I just about blew up I was so damn excited. Now... now things are different.
I want to be here, I want to help the people I care about in any way I can. My sister, my parents, my friends. My life is here, the people I care about are here. I want to be here so if something comes up, these people can lean on me instantly, for whatever. I'm useless, totally useless, in Austin. I'm a phone call and 200 miles away. I'm three hours away. But I feel like if I can serve any purpose here, emotional support, household chores, you name it, then this is where I belong.
My desire to stay doesn't change anything though. I'm going. I guess the best I can do now is make it perfectly clear that if I'm needed, all they have to do is call. I'll be on the next bus/train/carpool/hitchhike/whatever the hell else I can find home. That goes for everyone, for anyone. Too many people I care about here. Too many people I help that I'm leaving to fend for themselves. It's not about these people helping me, though they do, greatly. I want to help.
But I'm going. There's a difference between leaving them behind and keeping them close to me despite the distance, I know. I'll do everything to keep them close. Justin and LynDee, my family, Natalie, everyone else. It's the people in your life who make it a life, and my life is here.
There are new people in Austin, but there's no family, there's no Justin and LynDee, there's no Natalie. These are the people who mean something, the people who count on me, and who I count on. I don't ever want to lose that, not with any of them.
I'm torn. I'm going. I know I should be excited, I know I should be looking forward. Instead, all I can do is think that I'm letting everyone down. I know that's stupid, nobody has to tell me that's stupid. I know it's illogical, I know I have my own life to live blah blah blah. But it's how I feel. I feel like I'm letting everyone who counts on me down.
I guess that's all for now. Germany beat the U.S. 1-0. Suck. Suck.
I just want my sister to be ok. Maybe if that could just happen, all this would settle down in my head.