check my vital signs, oh look, i'm still alive.
dad was just here. and i feel terrible. i couldn't even suck up enough energy to be excited in my subtle hello. i just couldn't get out any emotion, no matter how hard he tried. i didn't want to talk about anything. i didn't want to be there, i didn't want to be anywhere with anyone but myself. i cried just when my mom was in my room for five minutes because i just want to be alone. && i know i complained about not having therapy, but truthfully, i'm glad i don't have it because i want to cry knowing that i'd have to talk about things, because i don't want to talk about anything. i don't want to feel. i can't feel actually anymore. it's gotten to the point where the pain is so strong i cannot even begin to search to find the words. so i sit in silence on IM just sit and stare at the screen, observe everyone's interesting life, but i never say anything to anyone. i can't even keep up a conversation because i am just so drained. so completely exhausted.
i need them both, but that doesn't seem to be an option. something inside of me is dividing, cracking, splintering, pulling me back and forth between them, and this is one of the moments i wish i could just walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so i can finally look like how i feel.