(no subject)
i am so numb. i really can't even write anything. i'll give myself an A for ignoring my feelings. so i'll leave you with this dumb writing that i feel like i pulled out of my ass or something. thanks for everything frewers. i'm sorry i haven't been there fory ou in the past few days..i'm really sorry.
//edit 7:17\\ well dad called, and i couldn't talk to him. email i can, but i just couldn't on the phone. i didn't know what to say, and honestly, i didn't want to say anything that was unimportant. the only thing i could ever say was i love you. and i was so afraid of the silence..so afraid that he wouldn't understand how much i love him. so i broke down. started sobbing telling mom how much i miss him. and i felt so bad because she said she's starting to get happy now. and i felt like i had no right to miss him, that how could i be so sad that he's gone when it's best for everyone else in the family? and the lonliness just grows stronger and stronger every night, and there's nothing i can do about it.
one lonely day i picked up the dusty photo album
off the forgotten shelf
that crouches beside my bed
and i can so clearly see that
it all began in fourth grade
that was the year you had your first and only 'detention'
and you cried about it
because it seemed really terrible
and you felt like a really terribe person
and your best friend left the school
without ever learning to spell your name right
and you never cared much about anthing
and your clothes seemed too big
and so did your glasses and your buck teeth
and you got up at the crack of dawn
to watch cartoons every saturday morning
and your neighbors weren't really all that crazy
and you loved your mother
and you smiled in every picture because
there was no reason not to.
and then i can so clearly see that
it all began in fifth grade
that was the year the class all got in trouble
and had to write an essay on what to do
while the teacher was out of the room
even though it wasnt your fault
and you forgot your best friend because there was a boy
and you really liked him
and you started to care about some things
and you liked the way
your black jeans fit tight over your legs
and your black shirt looked good and tight with them
and your old faded black sweatshirt went fine
because it held so many good memories
of the crazy neighbors
and you got up sometimes but mostly you slept past
the cartoons on saturday morning
and you argued with your mother
and you smiled in most pictures
but not all because
it felt like the boy broke your heart.
and then i so clearly see that
it all began in sixth grade
that was the year the class had lunch detention
on your half- birthday
and the new guy you liked told you happy birthday
because he remembered this time
and you cared about a lot of things
like the way you looked when you met a boy
you started to wind your hair in long braids every day
and your clothes were never quite tight enough
and your glasses weren't as good as contacts could be
and they told you they were going to
fix your teeth soon with metal
and your thighs were just a little too wide
and you slept til the crack of noon
and watched MTV while your parents were out
and your neighbors were doing illegal things
and you yelled at your mother
and you smiled in a few pictures
but not most because
the guy learned how to escape
and you wished it were you
instead of him.
and then i can so clearly see that
it must have all began in seventh grade
that was the year the teachers complained
because the class was too loud and they talked too much
and your best friend didn't like you so much
and in fact, didn't like you at all
and you cared about everything
and you straightened your hair every morning
and put on lip gloss if you got up in time
and you weren't allowed to see your neighbors anymore
and your best friend passed away
though it wasn't as delicate as it sounds
and you cried every night all week
because you never said good-bye
and you didn't watch any TV because you were too busy IMing
and you screamed at your mother
and you smiled in one of the pictures
because the lady told you to
and you did what she asked
because you hurt too much
and you were too tired to do
anything else.
and this is why i know that
it all began in eighth grade
that was the year the class fell apart
and all of your best friends
became almost as messed up as you
and you tried to tell them you loved them
just in case you didnt show up the next day
and you cared about nothing but your own crimson tears
and the problems of all the others
which you could never solve
but refused to accept that
and you left your hair curly in the morning
because you were up till 4:30
because you forgot how to sleep
and some people said you were beautiful
but you never believed them
or even listened or cared
and you hadn't seen the neighbors in so long
that you forgot how to spell their names right
and you didn't scream at your mother
in fact you didn't talk to her at all
you tried to tell her there was something really wrong with you
and she laughed
and when you said you needed someone besides her
she said they were too expensive
and you didnt smile at all
in any of the pictures
and when people asked why
you told them
there was nothing to smile about
and there really wasnt.
and now as the years have passed
i visit the room again in my head
and everything is neat and perfect
and all the clothes are in their drawers
and the pictures around the room are faded
and everything is in its place except for the little book
still laying on the dresser from the last time you wrote in it
and the last time you wrote at all
and you only wrote one word
and the that read
NOTHING
because thats all you really were
and all you ever intended to be
and as i get tired and lower myself to the floor
just to rest a while
i look down and see
how nicely
the blood stains
came out of
the carpet.
//edit 7:17\\ well dad called, and i couldn't talk to him. email i can, but i just couldn't on the phone. i didn't know what to say, and honestly, i didn't want to say anything that was unimportant. the only thing i could ever say was i love you. and i was so afraid of the silence..so afraid that he wouldn't understand how much i love him. so i broke down. started sobbing telling mom how much i miss him. and i felt so bad because she said she's starting to get happy now. and i felt like i had no right to miss him, that how could i be so sad that he's gone when it's best for everyone else in the family? and the lonliness just grows stronger and stronger every night, and there's nothing i can do about it.
one lonely day i picked up the dusty photo album
off the forgotten shelf
that crouches beside my bed
and i can so clearly see that
it all began in fourth grade
that was the year you had your first and only 'detention'
and you cried about it
because it seemed really terrible
and you felt like a really terribe person
and your best friend left the school
without ever learning to spell your name right
and you never cared much about anthing
and your clothes seemed too big
and so did your glasses and your buck teeth
and you got up at the crack of dawn
to watch cartoons every saturday morning
and your neighbors weren't really all that crazy
and you loved your mother
and you smiled in every picture because
there was no reason not to.
and then i can so clearly see that
it all began in fifth grade
that was the year the class all got in trouble
and had to write an essay on what to do
while the teacher was out of the room
even though it wasnt your fault
and you forgot your best friend because there was a boy
and you really liked him
and you started to care about some things
and you liked the way
your black jeans fit tight over your legs
and your black shirt looked good and tight with them
and your old faded black sweatshirt went fine
because it held so many good memories
of the crazy neighbors
and you got up sometimes but mostly you slept past
the cartoons on saturday morning
and you argued with your mother
and you smiled in most pictures
but not all because
it felt like the boy broke your heart.
and then i so clearly see that
it all began in sixth grade
that was the year the class had lunch detention
on your half- birthday
and the new guy you liked told you happy birthday
because he remembered this time
and you cared about a lot of things
like the way you looked when you met a boy
you started to wind your hair in long braids every day
and your clothes were never quite tight enough
and your glasses weren't as good as contacts could be
and they told you they were going to
fix your teeth soon with metal
and your thighs were just a little too wide
and you slept til the crack of noon
and watched MTV while your parents were out
and your neighbors were doing illegal things
and you yelled at your mother
and you smiled in a few pictures
but not most because
the guy learned how to escape
and you wished it were you
instead of him.
and then i can so clearly see that
it must have all began in seventh grade
that was the year the teachers complained
because the class was too loud and they talked too much
and your best friend didn't like you so much
and in fact, didn't like you at all
and you cared about everything
and you straightened your hair every morning
and put on lip gloss if you got up in time
and you weren't allowed to see your neighbors anymore
and your best friend passed away
though it wasn't as delicate as it sounds
and you cried every night all week
because you never said good-bye
and you didn't watch any TV because you were too busy IMing
and you screamed at your mother
and you smiled in one of the pictures
because the lady told you to
and you did what she asked
because you hurt too much
and you were too tired to do
anything else.
and this is why i know that
it all began in eighth grade
that was the year the class fell apart
and all of your best friends
became almost as messed up as you
and you tried to tell them you loved them
just in case you didnt show up the next day
and you cared about nothing but your own crimson tears
and the problems of all the others
which you could never solve
but refused to accept that
and you left your hair curly in the morning
because you were up till 4:30
because you forgot how to sleep
and some people said you were beautiful
but you never believed them
or even listened or cared
and you hadn't seen the neighbors in so long
that you forgot how to spell their names right
and you didn't scream at your mother
in fact you didn't talk to her at all
you tried to tell her there was something really wrong with you
and she laughed
and when you said you needed someone besides her
she said they were too expensive
and you didnt smile at all
in any of the pictures
and when people asked why
you told them
there was nothing to smile about
and there really wasnt.
and now as the years have passed
i visit the room again in my head
and everything is neat and perfect
and all the clothes are in their drawers
and the pictures around the room are faded
and everything is in its place except for the little book
still laying on the dresser from the last time you wrote in it
and the last time you wrote at all
and you only wrote one word
and the that read
NOTHING
because thats all you really were
and all you ever intended to be
and as i get tired and lower myself to the floor
just to rest a while
i look down and see
how nicely
the blood stains
came out of
the carpet.