(no subject)
and what the fuck does it matter? that fact that i'm falling apart right in front of you all and you don't a shit? what does it even fucking matter anymore? it means nothing to you that i'm trying my hardest to just throw away my life. the fact that he's back in my grandpa's house, the fact that my mother has to continuously put her life on the line in order to protect us, but can't guarantee protection. that fact that my sister is so fucking tired of me she has to take a 'vacation' for herself to live a normal life. the fact that i'm not trying hard enough for anyone. the fact that i dread coming home. the fact that my sister and i have to fucking drive and just drive and start crying knowing we need to return home. that fact that i am so fucking lonely. none of it matters. you're all too blind to see any of this. more so, you just don't give a shit.
so really, may i ask again, what does it fucking matter?
that was in my other journal..not towards renfrewers, but it just shows a little bit how i'm feeling. right, that was yesterday. i was so broken after receiving the stuff from danielle, and then all of this happened:
you think i was shitty enough then, yeah, well, that was just the start. my dad and i got into a fight about how i talk to friends from renfrew, how they are just making me more sick. how i need to be friends with the ones here *which isn't working because no one could ever understand like frewers* and i completely flipped on him and started crying and screaming saying how he doesn't understand how he never will. somehow that lead into my sister and him getting into a fight. he ended up making her cry like me. then my mother got raging and totally busted a switch. hell fucking broke lose. i don't even get how any of this happened. they started cursing and cursing at eachother, about how he's the cause of mandy and my problems, about how if he wasn't here we would be normal. i can't even...i can't even put any of this into words, how terrified mandy and i were. i ran down into the basement so i wouldn't hear it because it was killing me. then i felt terrible that mandy was alone so i ran back up 15 min later and just layed in her bed and held her. the fighting went on for about two straight hours, non-stop screaming cursing arguing. the worst ever. *this is a huge trigger for my ed, them fighting=me starving more, everything bad more* all of a sudden the doorbell rings and i'm like wow what great timing. my dad opens the door and it was the police. the fucking police were here to kick my dad out the house. it was terrible. fuck. i need to stop. i'm crying. well, to really make it short, the police didn't kick him out but made him stay downstairs all night and he wasn't allowed to come up here, and we weren't allowed to go down there. so mandy and i are so fucking scared knowing the police are in our house because of this. how far everything got all because of fucking me. the officer came upstairs into my room and talked to us, asking if we were afraid of him...it was horrible. well, mom signed papers to go to court today to get a restraining order. a fucking restraining order. mandy and i were so broken i slept in her room and we couldn't stop crying until 2 in the morning. we didn't want it to be morning because we knew that our lives were about to change.
and the weird thing is at 2 after all the tears had escaped, we laughed. we were giggling in replace of our tears because we were so afraid of what would have came out if we didn't laugh. we were waiting for someone to prance in and say, "Gotcha!" i swear it felt so unreal.
so on our way out in the morning at 6:40, we ask mom if she's getting the restraining order, and she wouldn't tell us. all she says is, "you better say goodbye, he won't be here when you get home." my fucking heart shattered. on the fucking way to school we were told we had to say goodbye to our father, knowing we weren't going to see him in god knows how long. so there he is in the pitch black curled up on the couch, looking like shambles. i had to go and kneal and kiss him, all i could say was i love you. all i fucking said was i love you. mandy and i broke again. as soon as we got into the car, we were hysterical. i swore we were going to get into an accident with her driving and crying. the whole walk we were a mess, couldn't stop crying. as soon as i walked into the building i was looking for someone to talk to, but i knew i couldn't go to anyone. no one cared. except one girl saw me crying and actually stopped and helped. i don't know what i would have done if she hadn't. then i went to the guidance because i couldn't even be in school. but it didn't help. nothing fucking helped. i had to plaster on that stupid fake smile and laugh and giggle and blush and be a normal teenager.
i'm going to give up going to nutrition and everything, because i can't, i can't do that to the family. we can't afford it without him. we could barely afford it with him after paying thousands and thousands of dollars for me at renfrew, and then hundreds every week for everything else. so i'm going to have to find a way to get better by myself. and i know i won't be able to fucking do that. i can't be selfish anymore.
this was my worst day ever. fucking ever. coming home...knowing he won't ever be here again all because of fucking me. i fucking destroyed this family, saying how much i hate him...when i fucking love him to death. i am so scared of what's going to happen to all of us. i know for a fact that mandy really can't handle anymore. she fucking hates him too, so much, but not this much...how can you just wake up one day and be told you need to say goodbye to your father for good? how the fuck are you supposed to do that and be okay with it? and me, well, i guess i'm going to have to be strong for everyone, the rock i suppose. but i'm not going to be able to. i'm so afraid of what i'm going to do to myself next...how much farther i can fall..how much more i can fucking take until i really collapse...
i think this was the last straw that i could handle.
i just got this from him...
Jeanne,
Amanda,
Dana,
I wanted to leave you all a message to tell you again, that "I love you all".
I want to say so much more, but I don't know what words are appropriate at this
time. I want to call now, but don't think that it is fair to put you on the
phone and make you feel uncomfortable. I'm so sorry for what happened, and I
pray and hope that we can make things better between us, somehow...
Love,
Dad/Ron
crying my eyes out.
so really, may i ask again, what does it fucking matter?
that was in my other journal..not towards renfrewers, but it just shows a little bit how i'm feeling. right, that was yesterday. i was so broken after receiving the stuff from danielle, and then all of this happened:
you think i was shitty enough then, yeah, well, that was just the start. my dad and i got into a fight about how i talk to friends from renfrew, how they are just making me more sick. how i need to be friends with the ones here *which isn't working because no one could ever understand like frewers* and i completely flipped on him and started crying and screaming saying how he doesn't understand how he never will. somehow that lead into my sister and him getting into a fight. he ended up making her cry like me. then my mother got raging and totally busted a switch. hell fucking broke lose. i don't even get how any of this happened. they started cursing and cursing at eachother, about how he's the cause of mandy and my problems, about how if he wasn't here we would be normal. i can't even...i can't even put any of this into words, how terrified mandy and i were. i ran down into the basement so i wouldn't hear it because it was killing me. then i felt terrible that mandy was alone so i ran back up 15 min later and just layed in her bed and held her. the fighting went on for about two straight hours, non-stop screaming cursing arguing. the worst ever. *this is a huge trigger for my ed, them fighting=me starving more, everything bad more* all of a sudden the doorbell rings and i'm like wow what great timing. my dad opens the door and it was the police. the fucking police were here to kick my dad out the house. it was terrible. fuck. i need to stop. i'm crying. well, to really make it short, the police didn't kick him out but made him stay downstairs all night and he wasn't allowed to come up here, and we weren't allowed to go down there. so mandy and i are so fucking scared knowing the police are in our house because of this. how far everything got all because of fucking me. the officer came upstairs into my room and talked to us, asking if we were afraid of him...it was horrible. well, mom signed papers to go to court today to get a restraining order. a fucking restraining order. mandy and i were so broken i slept in her room and we couldn't stop crying until 2 in the morning. we didn't want it to be morning because we knew that our lives were about to change.
and the weird thing is at 2 after all the tears had escaped, we laughed. we were giggling in replace of our tears because we were so afraid of what would have came out if we didn't laugh. we were waiting for someone to prance in and say, "Gotcha!" i swear it felt so unreal.
so on our way out in the morning at 6:40, we ask mom if she's getting the restraining order, and she wouldn't tell us. all she says is, "you better say goodbye, he won't be here when you get home." my fucking heart shattered. on the fucking way to school we were told we had to say goodbye to our father, knowing we weren't going to see him in god knows how long. so there he is in the pitch black curled up on the couch, looking like shambles. i had to go and kneal and kiss him, all i could say was i love you. all i fucking said was i love you. mandy and i broke again. as soon as we got into the car, we were hysterical. i swore we were going to get into an accident with her driving and crying. the whole walk we were a mess, couldn't stop crying. as soon as i walked into the building i was looking for someone to talk to, but i knew i couldn't go to anyone. no one cared. except one girl saw me crying and actually stopped and helped. i don't know what i would have done if she hadn't. then i went to the guidance because i couldn't even be in school. but it didn't help. nothing fucking helped. i had to plaster on that stupid fake smile and laugh and giggle and blush and be a normal teenager.
i'm going to give up going to nutrition and everything, because i can't, i can't do that to the family. we can't afford it without him. we could barely afford it with him after paying thousands and thousands of dollars for me at renfrew, and then hundreds every week for everything else. so i'm going to have to find a way to get better by myself. and i know i won't be able to fucking do that. i can't be selfish anymore.
this was my worst day ever. fucking ever. coming home...knowing he won't ever be here again all because of fucking me. i fucking destroyed this family, saying how much i hate him...when i fucking love him to death. i am so scared of what's going to happen to all of us. i know for a fact that mandy really can't handle anymore. she fucking hates him too, so much, but not this much...how can you just wake up one day and be told you need to say goodbye to your father for good? how the fuck are you supposed to do that and be okay with it? and me, well, i guess i'm going to have to be strong for everyone, the rock i suppose. but i'm not going to be able to. i'm so afraid of what i'm going to do to myself next...how much farther i can fall..how much more i can fucking take until i really collapse...
i think this was the last straw that i could handle.
i just got this from him...
Jeanne,
Amanda,
Dana,
I wanted to leave you all a message to tell you again, that "I love you all".
I want to say so much more, but I don't know what words are appropriate at this
time. I want to call now, but don't think that it is fair to put you on the
phone and make you feel uncomfortable. I'm so sorry for what happened, and I
pray and hope that we can make things better between us, somehow...
Love,
Dad/Ron
crying my eyes out.