I don't know where it's going...
I was just sitting here with Neil Young's voice filling my ears and I just felt like writing. I don’t know what I want to write about, but I am sure if I continue with nonsense, something may develop.
Today I had an interview with General Mills for a entry-level management position. I didn’t prepare for it as much as I should have because I got ahead of myself with other offers and options. Unfortunately in doing so I realized that I may be selling myself short. With as much talent, personality, and thirst for knowledge, I really am bound for greatness. So I now am somewhat questioning why I am accepting a job that will make me about 30k when General Mills is surely not the only company willing to offer 45k. Granted, the 30k I make in my first year is just a stepping stone and I am young, and I am by no means stuck to the job offer on the table. I can work there and while I am doing that, I can search for something more lucrative, cooler, or just different. Also, while I am there, I can learn new skills and I may turn out to love the job, which I need to give myself another reminder, is a very important aspect to consider.
But I guess that my lack of preparing must have been the difference because while I thought the interview went pretty well, I have not received a call back for the next round, but that is not a big deal, the one thing I learned from Summit is to not get down about being turned down. It just happens. I think it is more the fact that I had somewhat of a shot to land a job that pays that much, and I am going to instead take a job that makes 2/3 of that. But not to despair, I have plenty of time to become a multi-millionaire and buy my island in the Caribbean.
My brother just called me, it is Simchas Torah, the celebration of finishing of the reading of the Torah and starting it again. He said he just went to an orthodox service in which everyone was getting so drunk they didn’t realize that the men and women are not separated. I always thought that was a sexist rule, until my dad put a different spin on it. At synagogue you are supposed to concentrate on the spirituality and it is your time with God, and quite simply, the women and their beauty are too much of a distraction to give God your full attention. Take that as you will, but it sounded better to me, so I have accepted it.
I had a bit of a religious awakening myself a few weeks ago. I went to services with Andy on Rosh Hoshanah, which is New Years. And I caught onto a few of the rabbis words that really kind of hit home and I really appreciated the spirituality of the service in general. I may not live my life to every word of the Torah, and recently I have thought that religion is an idea that we should have proven wrong, just like we did when people thought the world was flat or that the sun revolved around the earth. But I felt something at the service that made me want to embrace that part of my life.
But the next week was Yom Kippur, the day of repentance, and holiest day of the year, and I went with Eric to Tucson and stayed with his awesome family at their incredible bed and breakfast. But at the service we went to, which was pretty reform, and that may have had something to do with it, I felt uncomfortable and out of place. I was supposed to be there asking God for forgiveness for all the sins I have committed during the year. And instead my mind was trying to tackle what my thoughts of God are. I seem to go back and forth on this issue so much, that if God is continually watching me, he must be pissed at me. I just can’t grasp the idea of God, and I think that is because my mind is so corrupted with others views of God, and I don’t really care for most of their ideas. I have a simple view that love and all of life are connected and that is my simple vision of God. I tried to explain some of that to my father when he came to visit and he said that it was similar to Jesus. And as I shoot out my uninformed info on the Christian savior, please forgive me for any “wrong” statements. But he was saying that Jesus was a great Jew, but that he didn’t think it was necessary to have all the rules that are in place, and that if everyone was a good person, that’s all that is needed. But my father was telling me that people are too easily corruptible to be so free from rules and constrictions. I unfortunately agree. Wow, now that I am recalling this conversation, it was quite a dousy to have coffee over while we let my mom do her shopping. We then went on to discuss some of the situation in the middle east and how I feel terrible, but I have developed a hatred for the Arabs, on the basis that I think that they are bred in a pool of hatred and taught to hate. The parents are instilling in their kids the hatred that they have and I don’t see how it will end. And now that hatred has even spread to me. But anyway, we continued on in this fashion and I spoke of my fears of how the world is deteriorating and that humans have really screwed up, and that I think Armageddon would be a good thing, because it would be a chance to start over, start over again from single celled organisms and evolve from their and hopefully this time we will end up with something better than the current “superior race.” That’s a bit of my dark side, welcome.
I think I lead my brain too heavy and dark for me to really know what to write about now. I suppose I could go off on a tangent about my father. I miss him; we don’t have nearly the same relationship over the phone. He is quite simply my hero.
Well since that was a boring bit of sentimentality, a smile has crept across my face as the clocks from Pink Floyd’s “Time” have taken over my mind. I am not sure if there is a band that is as captivating as Pink Floyd. Every time I hear one of their songs and they immediately jump into the forefront of my head and all other thoughts are carelessly tossed aside. I often speak of slipping into the music, it seems that with them, I have to consciously pull myself out of that in order to focus on anything else. It is so easy to close my eyes and float off into the beautiful far corners of the world.
I have been listening to Zero 7, and I think they remind me of Floyd in the spaciness of the music. The drums are not used as filler, but to keep some sense of grounding to the ever expanding bounds their music takes on. It is just spread out more to allow the imagination to do what it will with the music.
I guess it was inevitable that if I started to write, that the name Beth would appear in my thoughts. But I am again confused on how to close this chapter of my life. I tried anger and frustration, and while it helped me to not want to be with her, am I then turning 4 years of beautiful frustration into anger. That seems like a cop-out. Also, she called me last night, and I felt a sense of frailty in her voice that was interesting. She seemed to just want to chat, things are still quite complicated with her at the moment, and while I would love to help her out any way I may be able to, but then again, she is the cause of my current troubles and doesn’t seem too inclined to offer her help. (At this point I have been distracted by Andy and left to watch the World Series and my state of mind has been stirred.) I just don’t know how to talk to her, I want to tell her how much she hurt me and make her at least feel guilty for it, but I am better than that. Also, I enjoy talking to her too much. That has always been the problem, being with her would immediately make me forget all the frustrations I had felt towards her. So I would continually be on her rollercoaster ride of nothingness and frustration followed by a few hours to hang out and restore my love. But now, I just don’t know if to try to pursue a friendship with her, and if so, how the hell to do it, is beyond me. It logically doesn’t make much sense to really talk much at all, because all it will do is stir up pain, what ifs, and a tale of shattered love. She spoke last night of wanting to have the discussion that we didn’t have while she was here, and break it down, but I am not sure I really want to. I will end up saying things about her that whether I mean or not will certainly hurt, and I will ask questions that I am sure I will not get answers I want to hear. Even if the answers to the questions are inconsequential. It will just bring pain and anger instead of understanding and closure. And to attempt to be friends is to completely forget what has happened every other time we tried. We cannot be together without intimacy, it creates an awkward situation of forbidden desire that we end up giving in to, and then its like, wow, crazy, we enjoy having sex with each other and forget that our relationship doesn’t work other than in bed. And we end up getting back together. So I guess as far as that goes, it probably was better we didn’t have sex when she came to town. I just don’t know if I want to/should have any sort of relationship with a girl that has done me wrong and brought me pain time and time again, but then how can I just say goodbye to the same girl that has the ability to bring me more joy than I thought was possible. Fucking shit, at least the porn doesn’t cheat on me.
Today I had an interview with General Mills for a entry-level management position. I didn’t prepare for it as much as I should have because I got ahead of myself with other offers and options. Unfortunately in doing so I realized that I may be selling myself short. With as much talent, personality, and thirst for knowledge, I really am bound for greatness. So I now am somewhat questioning why I am accepting a job that will make me about 30k when General Mills is surely not the only company willing to offer 45k. Granted, the 30k I make in my first year is just a stepping stone and I am young, and I am by no means stuck to the job offer on the table. I can work there and while I am doing that, I can search for something more lucrative, cooler, or just different. Also, while I am there, I can learn new skills and I may turn out to love the job, which I need to give myself another reminder, is a very important aspect to consider.
But I guess that my lack of preparing must have been the difference because while I thought the interview went pretty well, I have not received a call back for the next round, but that is not a big deal, the one thing I learned from Summit is to not get down about being turned down. It just happens. I think it is more the fact that I had somewhat of a shot to land a job that pays that much, and I am going to instead take a job that makes 2/3 of that. But not to despair, I have plenty of time to become a multi-millionaire and buy my island in the Caribbean.
My brother just called me, it is Simchas Torah, the celebration of finishing of the reading of the Torah and starting it again. He said he just went to an orthodox service in which everyone was getting so drunk they didn’t realize that the men and women are not separated. I always thought that was a sexist rule, until my dad put a different spin on it. At synagogue you are supposed to concentrate on the spirituality and it is your time with God, and quite simply, the women and their beauty are too much of a distraction to give God your full attention. Take that as you will, but it sounded better to me, so I have accepted it.
I had a bit of a religious awakening myself a few weeks ago. I went to services with Andy on Rosh Hoshanah, which is New Years. And I caught onto a few of the rabbis words that really kind of hit home and I really appreciated the spirituality of the service in general. I may not live my life to every word of the Torah, and recently I have thought that religion is an idea that we should have proven wrong, just like we did when people thought the world was flat or that the sun revolved around the earth. But I felt something at the service that made me want to embrace that part of my life.
But the next week was Yom Kippur, the day of repentance, and holiest day of the year, and I went with Eric to Tucson and stayed with his awesome family at their incredible bed and breakfast. But at the service we went to, which was pretty reform, and that may have had something to do with it, I felt uncomfortable and out of place. I was supposed to be there asking God for forgiveness for all the sins I have committed during the year. And instead my mind was trying to tackle what my thoughts of God are. I seem to go back and forth on this issue so much, that if God is continually watching me, he must be pissed at me. I just can’t grasp the idea of God, and I think that is because my mind is so corrupted with others views of God, and I don’t really care for most of their ideas. I have a simple view that love and all of life are connected and that is my simple vision of God. I tried to explain some of that to my father when he came to visit and he said that it was similar to Jesus. And as I shoot out my uninformed info on the Christian savior, please forgive me for any “wrong” statements. But he was saying that Jesus was a great Jew, but that he didn’t think it was necessary to have all the rules that are in place, and that if everyone was a good person, that’s all that is needed. But my father was telling me that people are too easily corruptible to be so free from rules and constrictions. I unfortunately agree. Wow, now that I am recalling this conversation, it was quite a dousy to have coffee over while we let my mom do her shopping. We then went on to discuss some of the situation in the middle east and how I feel terrible, but I have developed a hatred for the Arabs, on the basis that I think that they are bred in a pool of hatred and taught to hate. The parents are instilling in their kids the hatred that they have and I don’t see how it will end. And now that hatred has even spread to me. But anyway, we continued on in this fashion and I spoke of my fears of how the world is deteriorating and that humans have really screwed up, and that I think Armageddon would be a good thing, because it would be a chance to start over, start over again from single celled organisms and evolve from their and hopefully this time we will end up with something better than the current “superior race.” That’s a bit of my dark side, welcome.
I think I lead my brain too heavy and dark for me to really know what to write about now. I suppose I could go off on a tangent about my father. I miss him; we don’t have nearly the same relationship over the phone. He is quite simply my hero.
Well since that was a boring bit of sentimentality, a smile has crept across my face as the clocks from Pink Floyd’s “Time” have taken over my mind. I am not sure if there is a band that is as captivating as Pink Floyd. Every time I hear one of their songs and they immediately jump into the forefront of my head and all other thoughts are carelessly tossed aside. I often speak of slipping into the music, it seems that with them, I have to consciously pull myself out of that in order to focus on anything else. It is so easy to close my eyes and float off into the beautiful far corners of the world.
I have been listening to Zero 7, and I think they remind me of Floyd in the spaciness of the music. The drums are not used as filler, but to keep some sense of grounding to the ever expanding bounds their music takes on. It is just spread out more to allow the imagination to do what it will with the music.
I guess it was inevitable that if I started to write, that the name Beth would appear in my thoughts. But I am again confused on how to close this chapter of my life. I tried anger and frustration, and while it helped me to not want to be with her, am I then turning 4 years of beautiful frustration into anger. That seems like a cop-out. Also, she called me last night, and I felt a sense of frailty in her voice that was interesting. She seemed to just want to chat, things are still quite complicated with her at the moment, and while I would love to help her out any way I may be able to, but then again, she is the cause of my current troubles and doesn’t seem too inclined to offer her help. (At this point I have been distracted by Andy and left to watch the World Series and my state of mind has been stirred.) I just don’t know how to talk to her, I want to tell her how much she hurt me and make her at least feel guilty for it, but I am better than that. Also, I enjoy talking to her too much. That has always been the problem, being with her would immediately make me forget all the frustrations I had felt towards her. So I would continually be on her rollercoaster ride of nothingness and frustration followed by a few hours to hang out and restore my love. But now, I just don’t know if to try to pursue a friendship with her, and if so, how the hell to do it, is beyond me. It logically doesn’t make much sense to really talk much at all, because all it will do is stir up pain, what ifs, and a tale of shattered love. She spoke last night of wanting to have the discussion that we didn’t have while she was here, and break it down, but I am not sure I really want to. I will end up saying things about her that whether I mean or not will certainly hurt, and I will ask questions that I am sure I will not get answers I want to hear. Even if the answers to the questions are inconsequential. It will just bring pain and anger instead of understanding and closure. And to attempt to be friends is to completely forget what has happened every other time we tried. We cannot be together without intimacy, it creates an awkward situation of forbidden desire that we end up giving in to, and then its like, wow, crazy, we enjoy having sex with each other and forget that our relationship doesn’t work other than in bed. And we end up getting back together. So I guess as far as that goes, it probably was better we didn’t have sex when she came to town. I just don’t know if I want to/should have any sort of relationship with a girl that has done me wrong and brought me pain time and time again, but then how can I just say goodbye to the same girl that has the ability to bring me more joy than I thought was possible. Fucking shit, at least the porn doesn’t cheat on me.