And if you were here, I could deceive you
Something very strange yet necc. happened the other day.
Trent called me, and I started to cry in the middle of our conversation.
I rarely cry....like, maybeeee twice a year...maybe. Us harsh virgos ;-)
He knows whenever something is wrong, and for quite some time he's been trying to push the envelope.
Of course, me being me...he knows how I am.
I tend to keep problems to myself because I'm used to that.
I finally just broke down the other day.
Everything is completely insane in my life right now.
I'm coming to so many realizations that I don't want to face.
First of all, I feel like my friend situation sucks.
Most of my friends depend heavily upon me for emotional support.
I have no problem with that...I love helping people...but it becomes overbearing at times.
I can't be everybody's rock all the time.
And because I'm a woman...I tend to make other people's problems my own.
In the end, I'm stressed.
Because I'm usually so busy tending to everyone else, my friends don't usually ask how I'm doing.
While that isn't their fault entirely...it still bothers me.
People are so used to me dealing with my own self.
It usually works out pretty well, but then there are times when it doesn't.
Right now is a good example.
Trent is the only person that will tell me off and set me straight, and I absolutely love that about our friendship.
I really miss hanging out with all my friends too...that's usually what my Friday nights consist of, but ever since I got two jobs...it's hard.
Sometimes I work 7 days a week...blah.
I dunno...
I also just feel really lost.
Completely lost.
I'm barely making it through the everyday trials and tribulations.
I hate my main job...I'm so fed up with it....yet I can't seem to get an internship.
I don't want to do PR...and I graduate in a year, yet I don't want a crappy job.
I feel like I'm going to have to settle for a crap job for a while until I can figure things out.
I don't want that.
I feel like fitness is my calling, but then sometimes I think maybe it's not.
I don't know what I'm here to do...and that's stressing me out.
I've got one year to figure that out somehow.
I already know what I want to do...travel the world and help people.
What profession is that?
Sometimes I wonder if I could be a writer.
Of course, I know that you have to be hella good...but I have so many emotions that I could express through storylines.
I'm very sensitive to other's emotions...so I'm sure I could write a killer story.
I just feel so totally disconnected to God.
I've lost his voice...
I feel very spiritually poor at this point in my life.
It's my fault of course.
And of course it's my responsibility to make it right.
I'm usually such a happy, random person.
And now I'm just rather sulky and emotionless.
And I hate that.
That isn't me at all.
I hate even talking about this...it makes me really uncomfortable to admit I'm not happy.
I hate not being happy...I hate complaining when there are people starving all around the globe.
I feel so totally selfish.
Sometimes I wish I could just move away and start anew...but that would be called running away, I do believe.
It sort of feels like asking all the questions...and nobody will answer you.
I think I just need some time to myself to figure things out.
I want to be back to my normal self.
I want to laugh hysterically all the time again.
I'm one of the silliest people I know...and I want to be that way again.
I don't think anyone realizes just how much I need people right now.
I feel like I need people and need time to myself...how does that work?
Hm, Idk either.