{Fanfic} Lovefool - Part I
Title: Lovefool
Artist: ilusmbb
Warnings: Homosexual themes, somewhat explicit, a bit of swearing
Rating: R/NC-17.
Pairing: YooMin (brief mention of JaeHo)
Genre: Romance, smut, and pointless waff.
Summary: Yoochun tends to be a bit of a fool when it comes to love.
Part One of Two
This is dedicated to two of my loves,
machine_of_july for being a bitch and demanding it from me, and
yaoi_hoshi for being an amazing beta and making sure this got written.
Anything that still sucks here is entirely my fault.
Jewell, you asked for romance and sweet love, and I'm afraid I have failed you miserably, but I hope you enjoy this anyway. ♥ You're amazing, bb. now where's my fanart?!
And, Hoshi, a million thanks to you for putting up with all of my bitching and moaning and being there for me to bounce ideas off of. ♥~
Changmin is confused. Changmin is confused, and this fact only serves to confuse him further. He isn't used to not understanding things, because Changmin always understands things (except for Jaejoong, but nobody understands him, and not even Changmin could ever hope to do so). It’s part of what makes him who he is - the ability to see something and immediately know exactly what is going on; the vast amount of knowledge he possesses; his perceptive abilities not lacking in the slightest. And one thing Changmin always understood - before this, at least - is himself. He doesn't like being confused, so he seeks to remedy the unsettling feeling immediately. He needs advice.
At first, he wasn't sure who to go to; he has never needed to ask for advice before.
Jaejoong, he thinks, he can ask Jaejoong. He always knows what to say to Changmin to make him feel better, and he can put a smile on anybody's face. All it really ever takes with Changmin is something warm in his stomach, actually, and no one cooks his favorite meals the way that Jaejoong does.
But...no. He can't go to Jaejoong. He would tell Yunho, and Yunho would feel the need to discuss it with Changmin - likely with Yoochun as well, and Changmin can't risk that. Which automatically rules their leader out too - and talking to Yoochun about it is out of the question.
And so he thinks of Junsu's smiling face, the cheery demeanor in which he (almost) always carries himself, thinks of the silly gags that Changmin secretly finds to be highly amusing (not that he'd ever tell Junsu that).
It’s settled. He would seek advice from Kim Junsu.
When Changmin approaches him, it’s with butterflies in his stomach, and a sense of this - whateverthis is - being doomed before it even has the chance to get started.
Changmin untangled himself from a sleeping Yoochun, left him to doze on the couch in front of the television and went to find Junsu, who had locked himself away in his bedroom to read manga. Jaejoong and Yunho were nowhere to be found.
I can do this. This is stupid. Of course I can do this. How hard could it be to tell someone you think you might be in love with their best friend but you don't have the slightest fucking clue what to do about it?
Pretty damn hard, he realizes, when he finds himself standing outside of Junsu's room, hand raised in the air and fist curled, but unable to touch the door
“Come in,” he heard Junsu call from inside.
How the... he opens the door cautiously and peers inside at Junsu. The slightly older boy has a questioning expression on his face, but it’s warm and friendly - the way Junsu's usually is. He’s laying on his bed, back propped up with pillows - he has taken the pillows off of Changmin's bed again, and combined them with his own - and legs crossed at the ankles. His manga lies by his hip, forgotten in promise of more interactive company.
“Where's Yoochun?”
“He...he's on the couch. Sleeping. I...how did you know I was at the door?”
“I heard you come down the hallway.”
“Oh.” He makes no move to leave his position at the entryway, and instead clings tightly to the doorknob, knuckles white.
Junsu's confused expression morphs into one of concern. “Min-ah?”
Changmin jerks his head, his gaze lifting from Junsu's feet to his face, and clears his throat, more nervous than he would have thought.
“Something is wrong.” Junsu's brow knits and he pats the space on the bed beside him, “Tell me.”
Taking a deep breath Changmin shuffles inside, presses the door shut behind him and makes his way to the bed.
“I need to talk to you.” he finally says, settling himself next to the older man.
“I can tell. What is it?” when he receives no answer Junsu presses again, “Changmin...you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
His hand moves to take Changmin's bigger one and his fingers curl tightly around the other man’s, encouraging him to tell Junsu what was on his mind.
“I know. It's just that...now that I'm here, I don't know what to say.”
“What did you come for?”
Another deep breath, “Advice, hyung. I need advice.”
“From me?” Junsu seems somewhat taken aback. “Really?”
“You're not helping, 'Su.”
“Right. Advice. On?”
“Love, or - no, not love. I...I don't know, really. Want. But...not just the lust kind of want. I know what to do about that kind of want. This kind of want...this kind of want, it unsettles me.” Changmin pauses and glances at Junsu's attentive features before plowing on, “I've never wanted something - someone so badly before. And, God, Junsu, it confuses me, and the fact that I'm confused scares me. I just...I don't know what to do.” he stumbles to a halt.
Junsu squeezes his hand gently, nodding at him to continue. “I'm never confused, Junsu. I'm never scared. But this...what I feel, what I want...it scares me.” he whispers.
The room falls quiet, neither of them speaking, and Junsu watches Changmin, watches the emotions flit across his dark eyes, his lips drawn tight and brow knitted.
“Who...?” Junsu can't imagine who captured the young man's attention so thoroughly, who managed to stumble and twist their way into his skeptical heart.
Changmin shakes his head, lifting his eyes to stare at Junsu, “You don't want to know who he is.”
Junsu ignores the prick of shock he feels at the masculine pronoun. “I can't really help you, Minnie, if I don't know who he is.” he says instead, but Changmin keeps quiet.
“I know him, don't I?”
A nod.
“Oh, god, Min, don't tell me it's Jaejoong - you know he and--”
“It's not Jaejoong. Or Yunho. I know what they have.”
Junsu lets out a sigh of relief, “Then someone from SM?”
Another nod.
“Not anyone from Super Junior, I assume. Then...who..?”
He snorts. “Really?”
“I...me??”
Changmin lets out a bitter bark of laugher and falls backward onto Junsu's (and his own) pillows, the heels of his palms digging into his eyelids.
“No, Junsu, I am not in-- I don't have those sort of feelings for you.”
“But...I can't think of anyone else.”
“That's because you're an idiot.”
“I am not an idiot!”
A wry smile curves the corners of Min's crooked lips up, and he almost laughs again.
“You are--”
“Yoochun.” Junsu gasps.
Changmin's smile dies, and he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to.
“You are. You're in love with Yoochun.”
“I-I don't know if it's love, Junsu. It's just...I want him. Want him so badly it hurts sometimes. I feel like I'm going crazy. When he's not around, I can feel it in my bones, and it makes me ache until I can't stand it anymore and rush to his side. When he is around...when he is around, I don't think I could describe how I feel. Hot all over - and cold, because he isn't touching me, and when he does, I feel like I could burst. I lust for him - but it's more than that. I want more than his body. I want him to look at me, I want him to ache for me the way I ache for him - crave me the way I crave him. I...it's him, Junsu. There's something about him. I need him.”
Junsu gazes at the younger man in awe.
“What can I do, SuSu-ah? Do I continue to ignore it? Because...I don't know if I can. I've been trying to ignore it for so long now, and I don't think I can anymore. While I had my back turned, it grew into a monster.”
~*~*~*~
“You !” Junsu yanks at the throw pillow that Yoochun has been hugging to his sleeping face and tosses it behind him.
“Yoochun!” he hits the other man in the leg - he’s sprawled messily across the entire couch, and Junsu doesn't know how the hell one man manages to take up so much space - and tugs at one of the arms that’s now draped over his face.
“Chunnie!”
Yoochun's eyes open slowly, sleep-crusted. His lips curve into a crooked smile, “Hey there, ugly. What do you need?” his eyes are glossed over, drifting shut again.
“Get up, you asshole.”
Yoochun winces at the tone of his best friend's voice. “Whaaat?”
“Stop whining at me, and get the hell up.” Junsu's face is flushed and his eyes glitter with something that makes Yoochun nervous.
He sits up.
“You are such a fucking idiot.” Junsu hisses.
Yoochun shakes the sleep from his face and gapes at the other man - Junsu never swears like that.
“What did I do this time?”
“It's what you didn't do, twit.” Junsu is pacing now, shooting dirty looks at Yoochun. “Changmin. Are you still in love with him?”
“Junsu-yah, I just -“
“Oh, don't 'Junsu-yah' me, just answer me. Do you still love him?”
There’s a pregnant pause before Yoochun lifts his gaze from his intent study of their white carpet to Junsu's eyes and finally responds.
“...yes.”
“Then why haven't you told him yet, like you promised you would?”
“I can't, Junsu. It's just....I can't.”
“Why not, Yoochun? If you don't tell him how you feel, you're going to lose your chance with him.”
Yoochun's hands are worrying at a throw pillow, fingers twisting at the tassels, “It's not like I have a chance with him, anyway.”
“You don't know that, Yoochun. What if....what if Changmin has been crazy in love with you for months now, and won't say anything because he's afraid of how you would react? Wouldn't you want him to tell you?”
“That's not funny, Junsu. You know as well as I do that Changmin could never be interested in me - he's not even into men.”
Junsu starts saying something, but stops and growls in frustration instead, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat. Yoochun sighs, settles his feet on the floor and props his elbows on his knees.
“Sit down and talk to me, Susu-ah. You seem stressed.” Yoochun points out, patting the cushion next to him. Junsu hesitates a moment before plopping down next to his band mate and friend and curling his feet up under him.
“Why does this bother you so much?”
“Chunnie...you're my best friend, and you know I just want to see you happy. I've seen the way you are around Changmin - he makes you happy. You...you love him. You guys could be happy together.”
“I don't know, Junsu,” he shakes his head slowly, not looking at the other man, “I just don't think I have a chance with him, and it seems so foolish to risk our friendship over something that isn't going to happen.”
“Yoochunnie...you love him, though. And he may very well have feelings for you, too.”
“He doesn't.”
“He - "
“He doesn't, okay, Junsu? Just let it alone.” Yoochun heaves another sigh before standing up and making his way to the smaller of the two music rooms.
Junsu's sigh echoes Yoochun's, and he watches the older man close the door behind him, hears the click of the lock being turned, and knows they wouldn't see him for a while.
Great. Just...great.
~*~*~*~
It's after two in the morning - which makes it Monday now, Junsu thinks - and Jaejoong is sitting on the couch, legs crossed and a pile of books beside him. They must be his Japanese books, Junsu realizes, stopping tentatively at the entry way to the living room. It's unlike him to go to Jaejoong for advice - everyone else does, actually, but it isn't something that Junsu does. But at this point, he can't really think of any alternatives. Jaejoong is Yoochun's closest friend, and he knows if anyone can talk Yoochun out of being the fool that he generally is, it's Jaejoong.
“Hyung,” he calls softly, watches the older man start - noisily - and whirl around to see who had spoken.
“Oh...Junsu-yah. Why are you up so late?” Jaejoong sets the book he had been studying down - Junsu notes the kanji on the front and feels his lips quirk upward slightly in amusement - and turns fully toward Junsu, drawing his knees up to his chest.
“I could ask you the same thing. You know, I always wondered when you had the time to get so good at Japanese. No wonder you're better than the rest of us.”
“Not better than Changmin.”
“It's Changmin. He's a genius. And, ironically enough, the reason I'm still up. I need to talk to you about something.”
Jaejoong blinks owlishly in surprise and pushes his spectacles up the slightly uneven bridge of his nose.
“Me? You need to talk to me? Don't you usually go to Yoochun for these things?”
“Well...yes. But, Yoochun happens to be a part of the problem. The bigger part of it.” Junsu realizes he’s swinging his arms awkwardly at his side and clasps them in front of him, twisting his fingers together.
Jaejoong nods at the seat opposite him in silent command for Junsu to sit down, and, for once, Junsu obeys.
“Tell me what's going on, Junsu-yah.”
“So...” Junsu trails off, unsure of what to say to Jaejoong, but then decides that if Jaejoong is supposed to help, he should know everything Junsu does. He takes a deep breath before continuing.
“About three months ago, Yoochunnie came to me, because he needed to talk. I'm surprised he didn't go to you, actually, but that's not important right now. He told me he's in love with Changmin - has been for ages, apparently - and he didn't know what to do about it.” Junsu moves so that his position mimics Jaejoong's and they are facing each other on the couch.
“Even though I made him promise to tell Min-ah, he decided that doing nothing was the right thing to do, because he still hasn't said anything.
Then, this morning - well, yesterday morning, now - Changmin came to me. He told me that he's in love with Yoochun, which means they both have feelings for each other. And neither of them will do a thing about it.”
Junsu's eyebrows are furrowed, a frustrated glint in his eye.
“So I talked to Chunnie again after Changmin came to me, and he refuses to do anything about it! He said something ridiculous about not wanting to risk their friendship and how there isn't a chance of Minnie returning his feelings. Which isn't true, but Yoochun doesn't know that, and I don't know how to make him stop being stupid and just tell him that he's in love with him. So here I am, asking you....what should we do?”
Jaejoong smiles a little when Junsu is done and reaches forward, linking their hands together. Junsu tended to talk with his hands, and they had been moving an unnecessary amount during his spiel, only to fall limply to his feet when he was done.
“If you had asked Yunho what to do, he would have told you that this wasn't any of our business, and you needed to back off...”
“Obviously why I didn't ask him.” A snort.
Jaejoong grins this time, his eyes crinkling, “Obviously. I think...I don't know. I don't know if I should talk to him. Yoochun, I mean. Talking to Changmin wouldn't do any good, anyway. He may be even more stubborn than I am.”
“I don't think anyone is more stubborn than you are, hyung.” Junsu laughs softly before intertwining his fingers with Jaejoong's and squeezing them. “I agree, though. Although Changmin might be more willing to confess to Yoochun, I think it would be good for the both of them if it was Chunnie-ah who did the confessing.”
Jaejoong nods, making an affirmative sound somewhere in the back of his throat. “I...I might talk to him, Su. But it might be a good idea, to wait and see if your conversation with him made a difference at all, first.”
“Unlikely. He walked out on me, and locked himself in the music room.”
“A sign that you obviously touched something with him.”
“I hope so. Just...talk to him, please?”
Another nod from Jaejoong and a last squeeze of fingers before he nudges Junsu's foot with his own and makes to stand up.
“I'll think about it.”
...Part 2