Real Entry
I know a lot of people don't really read this thing anymore. In the way of online communities LJ is now one of the smaller ones, compared to when I got it when it was one of the only ones. Oh well.
I was reading through some of my old entries. I said a lot of dumb things in some of those entries, but to be honest when you're growing up, maturing, whatever you say and do a lot of dumb things, things you don't really mean or understand.
One of the entries that really caught my eye was one that I made about going to green mountain in the middle of the night. 2 of the 3 responders in the post are now dead. In that moment my life really kind of came into perspective.
What have I lost since that time? 2 of my friends, my mother, my hope for a better life... all of it, gone. What is my life for now? another entry I was complaining about being stuck in Bremerton while I should be in school somewhere doing things with what gifts I do have. Well, life is hard. That's all I can say.
I was 3 months from starting at Western when we found out my mother Had cancer, 2 other times I almost went when she was "better". But now? now that she's gone i can't find the will to do it. I can't find the will to do anything! And it seems like it's not just me. Or maybe it is me.
I'm lonely. I huge chunk of my heart is gone. It is a void now, that nothing can fill and it will be here for the rest of my life. An entire stream of memory and emotion is tainted (I don't like using this word, but it will have to do) by the feeling of loss I have for my mother.
I know I don't want to but my mother's death is becoming a defining moment in my life. One I can't seem to get past. It'll be a year since her passing in about 3 weeks. I honestly don't know how I made it this far. Hope? I had hope in a girl for a few of those months, but that didn't work out, and it never does. Hope isn't the answer for me, because I can't find anything tangible to have hope in.
I've always felt like no one understands me, that feeling is even worse now. But now IT IS worse, because I know there are those that do understand me, and yet I never see them, I hardly talk to them. I SUFFER SO MUCH BECAUSE OF IT!
But I can't expect them to be at my beck and call all the time. I wouldn't want to be that burden to anyone! Getting people to spend time with me is like pulling teeth!
But seriously, it's OK. Again i don't expect everyone to be at my whims. I wouldn't want that. Can you understand why we lost touch? do you get why I fell off the grid? the most important person in my life, my support system, was dying.
I say this with no arrogance because I would do anything and give up anything to take back the knowledge I have now, but if you haven't lost a parent that you loved so much, you can't understand.
This isn't a cry for help, I'm not going to kill myself or anything, so if you need or want to try to clear your conscious that's not what I'm looking for.
Friendship is what I'm looking for. Most of you know that if you needed me I would be there for you, any of you. Well I need you, I do, I can't do this on my own.
I was reading through some of my old entries. I said a lot of dumb things in some of those entries, but to be honest when you're growing up, maturing, whatever you say and do a lot of dumb things, things you don't really mean or understand.
One of the entries that really caught my eye was one that I made about going to green mountain in the middle of the night. 2 of the 3 responders in the post are now dead. In that moment my life really kind of came into perspective.
What have I lost since that time? 2 of my friends, my mother, my hope for a better life... all of it, gone. What is my life for now? another entry I was complaining about being stuck in Bremerton while I should be in school somewhere doing things with what gifts I do have. Well, life is hard. That's all I can say.
I was 3 months from starting at Western when we found out my mother Had cancer, 2 other times I almost went when she was "better". But now? now that she's gone i can't find the will to do it. I can't find the will to do anything! And it seems like it's not just me. Or maybe it is me.
I'm lonely. I huge chunk of my heart is gone. It is a void now, that nothing can fill and it will be here for the rest of my life. An entire stream of memory and emotion is tainted (I don't like using this word, but it will have to do) by the feeling of loss I have for my mother.
I know I don't want to but my mother's death is becoming a defining moment in my life. One I can't seem to get past. It'll be a year since her passing in about 3 weeks. I honestly don't know how I made it this far. Hope? I had hope in a girl for a few of those months, but that didn't work out, and it never does. Hope isn't the answer for me, because I can't find anything tangible to have hope in.
I've always felt like no one understands me, that feeling is even worse now. But now IT IS worse, because I know there are those that do understand me, and yet I never see them, I hardly talk to them. I SUFFER SO MUCH BECAUSE OF IT!
But I can't expect them to be at my beck and call all the time. I wouldn't want to be that burden to anyone! Getting people to spend time with me is like pulling teeth!
But seriously, it's OK. Again i don't expect everyone to be at my whims. I wouldn't want that. Can you understand why we lost touch? do you get why I fell off the grid? the most important person in my life, my support system, was dying.
I say this with no arrogance because I would do anything and give up anything to take back the knowledge I have now, but if you haven't lost a parent that you loved so much, you can't understand.
This isn't a cry for help, I'm not going to kill myself or anything, so if you need or want to try to clear your conscious that's not what I'm looking for.
Friendship is what I'm looking for. Most of you know that if you needed me I would be there for you, any of you. Well I need you, I do, I can't do this on my own.