Fic: Beautifully Wrong (11/14)
Media: Fic
Title: Beautifully Wrong
Author: Luca
Rating: NC-17
Characters: ftm!Blaine, Kurt, Blaine's parents, Cooper, Sebastian, Trent, various ND members, non-major OCs.
Spoilers: Up to 3.22 to be safe. Canon up to 3.05 and largely canon compliant beyond that (with some notable exceptions), but necessarily AU because of the subject matter.
Warnings (this part): Transphobia, homophobia
Word count (this part): 7600
Summary: Blaine is FtM (female to male transgender) and no one at McKinley knows about it, but he realizes this has to change if he wants his relationship with Kurt to survive. This fic explores different aspects of Blaine's transition and how it affects his relationships with those closest to him.
A/N: So here is the promised return to McKinley. Lyrics are from the Fly/I Believe I Can Fly mashup. Unsurprisingly this one has transphobia as well as general angstiness.
Also available on: FanFiction.net // Scarves&Coffee // Tumblr //
MASTERPOST
Chapter 11
A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood
.
'Wow,' Blaine breathed when he and Kurt had entered the car, and he was backing out of the driveway. 'I don't think I've been hugged that much in a year, let alone in one single morning.'
His mom and Cooper had been all over him that morning, hugging him every five minutes and then what felt like fifty times just before he and Kurt had left on the insistence that neither his mom or Cooper needed to accompany them.
'They care about you,' Kurt said from the passenger seat. 'It's a good thing.'
'I know, I know. I'm not complaining really. It's just, you'd think I was soldier going off to war or something.'
'Well, maybe you are,' Kurt said thoughtfully.
Blaine raised an eyebrow. 'I'm a soldier?'
'In a way?' Kurt thought for a moment, then a warm smile spread on his face. 'You're a fighter, I know that much.'
'And McKinley's my war,' Blaine mused and added after a moment, 'Actually that's a pretty good metaphor for high school in general, isn't it?'
Kurt snorted in amusement. 'Yeah, I guess it is.' He was silent for a moment or two before turning and looking seriously at Blaine. 'You're gonna win this one, you know.'
Blaine felt his breath catch in his throat, taken aback by Kurt's sudden serious tone. He swallowed. 'Yeah. Yeah, I hope so.'
They didn't talk much for the rest of the journey, and it wasn't until they rolled into the parking lot at McKinley that Blaine realized that he had been gripping the steering wheel rather more tightly than necessary. He breathed out slowly, attempting to soothe himself, but as he and Kurt walked across the lot towards the entrance, the opposite seemed to be happening, his heart seeming to beat harder and faster with every step he took.
They were just outside the doors, when Kurt - much to Blaine's surprise - took Blaine's hand in his and held it tightly. Blaine looked quizzical, but Kurt simply shrugged.
'They're gonna stare at us anyway,' he said.
Blaine nodded silently. His heart was still thumping so hard it hurt, but it felt muted somehow, like it didn't matter as much when Kurt was here, squeezing Blaine's hand tightly and keeping him reminded that he was not alone. Keeping him grounded and determined. He could do this.
Blaine drew a deep breath before he pushed the door open and led the way inside. They made their way through the semi-crowded hallway, and Blaine could sense heads turning and mouths moving, but he did his best to ignore them and kept his head high as they walked.
He was doing well until they reached Kurt's locker and Kurt let go of his hand. It was as if he had lost his anchor. A surge of panic coursed through him, and he once more became fully aware of his pounding heart. The people around him were suddenly extremely loud, as though someone had just maxed out the volume of a video game everyone was part of, and now Blaine was hearing bits of conversation left and right.
'History first lesson, right?'
'I mean, a C? I told you she hates me!'
'Dude, did you see the game last night?'
'Man, English sucks. They oughta give you points for just speaking it.'
'Did you hear? About the guy from the glee club?'
Blaine turned away from the voices and focused every inch of his being on the motions of Kurt's hands as he gathered his things. Biology textbook thrown into his locker. History textbook shoved into his bag. Locker closing with a snap. He concentrated hard on not paying attention to the conversations going on around him. On not checking if people were staring at him. On not caring whether the giggle he just heard had anything to do with him.
'Are you okay?' Kurt asked. He hoisted his bag over his shoulder and frowned in concern.
'Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry,' Blaine said, sounding more frantic than he meant to. He shook his head at himself and started down the hall, tugging Kurt with him. 'Come on, let's go get my stuff.'
Blaine made quick work of collecting the books he needed for his first class of the day, and continued to ignore his fellow students to the best of his ability.
'Do you want me to walk you to class?' Kurt asked.
Blaine slammed his locker shut. 'Kurt, I'm not five. I don't need a babysitter.'
'Okay, sorry.' Kurt winced. 'I'm just trying to toe the line between "supportive" and "patronizing" here.'
Blaine let out a soft sigh. 'No, it's fine, I didn't mean to snap. But it's like you said, isn't it? The bigger a deal I'm seen to be making out of this, the bigger a deal everyone else will make of it.' He looked at Kurt who nodded. 'So it's probably best if we just go about our day as normal.'
'You're right. We should get to class then.' Kurt looked at his watch and readjusted the bag hanging from his shoulder. 'I'll see you in third?'
'If I'm still alive by the end of second, yeah,' Blaine said with a small smile. 'Which I definitely will be,' he added at the look Kurt sent him.
Kurt rewarded him with a bright smile. 'That's the spirit.'
When Blaine stepped into Algebra a few minutes later, most of the class had already arrived, including three fellow glee club members. Blaine halted in front of a table at the front of the class where Tina, Artie and Sam were gathered, heads together and speaking in hushed voices.
'Blaine!' Sam said in an unnaturally high voice when he spotted Blaine. 'Dude, how are you?'
'I'm...' Blaine whispered, staring at each of his friends in turn. He wasn't exactly surprised to see them here - he had after all shared this class with them all year - and he had given some thought to what he would say and do when he saw the first of his friends, but now that the moment was here, he found himself unable to do anything other than stand there like a deer caught in the headlights.
The seat next to Sam was empty, and Blaine spent a long moment looking at it, trying to convince himself to just go over there and sit down as he would have on any other day, but the longer he stood there, the more impossible the prospect seemed.
When he finally did move, he avoided his friends' eyes as he moved right past them and continued until he reached the very last row of tables where he sat down at the empty corner table, giving a great sigh as he did. He wasn't doing well so far. The best thing that could be said was that he hadn't had a panic attack.
'Hey, Blainey,' the boy sitting at the table in front of Blaine jeered, teeth bared in a wide grin, and Blaine winced at the sound of it. Cooper was the only one who ever called him that, and because Blaine knew that he was only being big-brotherly, the only thing he complained about - and half-heartedly so - was the cutesy nature of it, but it struck him now how very girly that nickname sounded.
'Why the scowl?' the boy asked in fake concern. He leaned in confidentially. 'Are you PMS'ing? Is it your time of the month?'
Blaine flushed bright red, and he hated himself for it. He could simply have told his classmate to mind his own business - or even the truth, which was that he hadn't menstruated in years, so the joke kind of missed the mark.
Except it was also entirely on point.
'Oh, ha ha,' a voice said next to Blaine, and Blaine looked up to find Tina standing there, arms folded across her chest and looking very unimpressed. 'Get lost, Mark.'
'Can't.' The boy - Mark, yes that was his name - gave an exaggerated look of apology and tapped the chair he was sitting on. 'This is my seat.'
'Well, then turn around,' Tina said, motioning with her hand. 'sit like a normal person, and mind your own business.'
'Fine, I'll let you have your girl talk,' he said with a roll of his eyes before turning back around to face the blackboard.
Tina sat down next to Blaine who only now noticed that she had brought her things, clearly planning to spend the lesson at his side. He was caught between wanting to thank her and wanting to ask her to leave him alone.
So he ended up saying nothing.
'Hey,' Tina said, voice soft. 'Are you okay?'
'I'm fine, Tina,' Blaine replied, shuffling his notes needlessly.
'What they're saying about you...' she began while Blaine stared at the table, still avoiding her eyes. 'We were talking and...well, I guess it's not really any of our business, but it's just, none of us really know exactly what-'
'Lesson's starting,' Blaine said, relieved to see the teacher walking in.
'What? Oh, right.' Tina glanced to the front of the class where the teacher was settling in. She looked back at Blaine, and Blaine carefully looked ahead. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. We're all just hoping you're okay.'
'I'm fine,' Blaine whispered, not wishing to catch the teacher's attention. 'Let's just get through this lesson.'
Thankfully Tina took the hint and stayed quiet. A moment later the teacher addressed the class, and the lesson was underway.
Blaine's cheeks were still burning, and he had begun to sweat with the effort of not panicking. He wanted more than anything to be away from this classroom for a moment, to be given the chance to gather himself in private (from what? Why was he the wimp who freaked out over nothing?), but that wasn't an option now that the lesson had just started. Besides, even if he claimed to need the bathroom, everyone would know why he was really running off, and he had to appear as unfazed as possible.
Blaine took a deep breath. At least no one was looking at him now, everyone's attention more or less (Algebra was not everyone's favorite subject) on the teacher as she talked about the weekend's homework. Little by little Blaine managed to rid his body of anxiety until the way Tina kept glancing at him out of the corner of her eye was more annoying than upsetting.
When he finally started paying attention to the teacher's words, he found that the lesson actually served as a nice distraction. This, at least, hadn't changed. It was simply his class as usual, and he was good at this class. Before long he was fully immersed in it, taking notes and watching the teacher in rapt attention. He didn't volunteer any answers, but he did find himself writing most of them down or muttering them under his breath while he listened to his classmates struggle with them.
'Anyone?' the teacher called out when this had gone on for a while. She pointed to the - particularly difficult - problem on the blackboard. No one had yet offered a sufficient solution, and she was looking increasingly like someone who was losing faith in today's youth. 'Come on, people. You have to know this stuff.' She knocked her knuckles on the wooden table as she spoke. 'It's bound to come up in the exam.'
Blaine felt an elbow jab him in the side, and he looked up, startled, to find Tina looking from him to the notebook in front of him, which clearly showed the answer. She raised her eyebrows at him and motioned with her head towards the teacher.
Blaine shook his head.
'No one? Really? Mr. Anderson,' the teacher said and Blaine froze. 'You've been hiding back there long enough. Time to show us what you've got.'
'I- But- I don't-' Blaine spluttered, staring wide-eyed at the piece of chalk in his teacher's hand. He was pretty sure that he had done the calculation correctly, but he was not prepared to go up there in front of anyone. On any other day, yes, he would have done it gladly, but today he would rather keep his head low and not draw any attention.
'You know how to solve it?' the teacher went on, and it occurred to Blaine that she had no idea what today was for Blaine, hadn't been paying attention to the gossip going around the school.
'I- Yes, maybe. I think so, but-'
Next to him Tina whispered, barely audible, 'You're making it worse for yourself.' Blaine looked at her, and she smiled reassuringly. 'It's just like any other day, right?'
Blaine nodded and rose from his seat, because Tina was right. It wouldn't help matters to sit here and stutter like a fool. Anyway, when had he ever been known to deny a teacher's request?
And really, he thought once he was at the blackboard and working his way through the equation, this was not that bad. He had his back turned a lot of the time, and he directed any verbal explanations to his teacher, so he barely even had to look at his classmates' faces. Besides, even though he hated being put on display on a day like this, he was not up here because of who he was, but because of something he could do, and that made all the difference in the world.
At least until he began hearing snickering behind him.
They could be laughing about anything of course. Upon transferring to McKinley, Blaine had quickly learned that every class had one or more students who made a habit of not paying attention and/or being disruptive, so there was a chance that whatever had them so amused didn't have anything to do with him. But today of all days there was also a very high chance that it did, and the thought distracted Blaine.
'So if we multiply B and-' Blaine frowned. 'Wait, that's not right. Divide B...'
Another snicker followed by whispered words that Blaine couldn't make out.
'Quiet, Feeney,' the teacher said sharply. 'Or perhaps you would like to come up here instead?'
'No, Ma'am. Sorry, Ma'am,' the offending student said, but Blaine - still resolutely facing the other way, hand raised against the blackboard - heard amusement rather than regret in his voice.
'Good, then you might want to listen to Mr. Anderson. He actually knows what he's talking about.'
It was as though the teacher had pushed a button. One girl giggled, which seemed to set off people around her and within seconds the laughter had spread to what sounded to Blaine like half the class. Somewhere someone was whispering unintelligible words to another, and this time there was no doubt in Blaine's mind as to who or what they were about.
Blaine let his hand drop to his side, vaguely aware of letting go of the piece of chalk in his hand and it hitting the floor a second later.
'What is so funny?' the teacher demanded, when the scattered snickering persisted. Blaine turned around, wishing - not for the first time in his life - that he had the power of teleportation. 'Well?'
'It's just, you said he,' someone choked out between giggles - Blaine didn't have the presence of mind to note who. 'Which is funny since he's not really, y'know...'
A loud snort from the boy's neighbor interrupted his explanation, and once again it proved contagious as the entire class seemed to erupt into laughter.
Blaine felt nauseous. Two dozen pairs of eyes were looking at him with amusement and making a mockery of his identity, not knowing or caring how much that hurt. He heard in his mind slurs and comments he had been subject to years ago - Weirdo. Freak. You're not even a real boy - and he struggled to distinguish the laughter echoing from his past with the one ringing in his present. They had been laughing then, and they were laughing now. The faces had changed, but they were the same people, really. He might as well never have left Columbus.
Blaine moved on instinct - his mind reduced to a mantra of I can't, I can't, I can't -marching to the back of the class where he began to pick up his things and shoving them into his bag.
'Blaine...' Tina said, but Blaine refused to even look at her.
'Jeez, someone's sensitive,' a boy said somewhere behind Blaine. 'Like a girl one could even say.'
'Oh, for chrissakes, get over it,' Sam spoke up suddenly.
Thinking that Sam was talking to him, Blaine whipped around, but then he saw that Sam was actually glaring around at the rest of the class. He caught Blaine's eye for a moment, and he looked as though he wanted to say something but before he could, Blaine turned away again. He threw the last of his things into his bag and grabbed it, too intent on getting out of here to care that he hadn't closed it properly.
'Mr. Anderson, please, what is going on?' the teacher asked, looking thoroughly confused.
'I'm sorry, Miss,' Blaine mumbled, avoiding her eye as he strode past the rows of tables towards the door. Before he could get there, however, he found his path blocked by Sam.
'Dude, don't,' he said. 'Stay. Don't let a few idiots chase you away. No one in glee club cares if you're a girl.'
Blaine stared at Sam. 'I'm not a girl.'
'Shit, I'm sorry,' Sam said, eyes widening. 'You know what I mean.'
'Yes. I do. Move, please,' Blaine said, and it took all his willpower to make it sound demanding rather than pleading.
Sam held up his hands in what was probably meant to be a calming gesture. 'Look, just-'
But before Sam could get any further, Blaine pushed past him, making straight for the door and ignoring Sam's continued objections. Once he was out in the hallway, he broke into a run, praising himself lucky that no one was out here to see him. He ran without thinking towards the nearest boys' bathroom, and when he rounded a corner, he all but crashed into something large and burly.
'Hey, watch it,' the something - another student - said, offering Blaine a steadying hand to keep him from falling over. He picked up Blaine's schoolbag, which had been dropped in the collision, and handed it back to Blaine. As he did, he seemed to take in Blaine's person properly, and mischief rose in his eyes. 'It's you.'
'Yeah...' Blaine accepted the bag and took a step backwards, unnerved. 'I...I gotta go.'
He stepped around the bigger boy, eyes on the bathroom door a little further down the hall.
'Hey!' the boy called after Blaine, when the latter's hand was on the door. 'Girls are across the hall!'
Blaine ignored him and pushed open the door, grateful to find the bathroom empty. He went to the nearest sink, dropped his bag on the floor, and braced himself against the sink with both hands as he looked at himself in the mirror.
His skin was pale and clammy, and when he lifted his hand to turn on the faucet, he noticed for the first time that he was shaking. Ignoring it, he splashed cold water in his face in the hope that it would shock him out of his panic and enable him to think about something other than giving up, but all it achieved was to heighten of all his senses.
The light in the bathroom too bright suddenly, blinding him. The stench from the urinals ten times as foul as usual, making him nauseous. His heart hammering wildly in his chest. The bitter taste in his mouth which somehow reminded him of hospitals. His breathing labored as though he had just run a mile.
Blaine closed his eyes, willing himself to be okay. This was ridiculous. He had been supposed to hold his head high today, to show them that he was okay with who he was, even if they weren't. Instead, by panicking and running out on a lesson because he couldn't handle a few jokes, he had given them even more reason to think he was a freak. What was wrong with him?
As Blaine stood there, he suddenly heard the bathroom door open, and his heart skipped a beat. His eyes flew open, and he whipped his head around, prepared for the worst, but the boy who had entered seemed as unprepared for this meeting as Blaine did. He was small, younger than Blaine, probably a freshman, and he did not look particularly intimidating.
He stayed quiet and unimposing as he passed Blaine towards the urinals, although he did eye Blaine curiously. Blaine did his best to ignore him and concentrated on keeping his breathing even while the boy did his business. When he had finished at the urinals, he joined Blaine by the sinks and began washing his hands, taking far too long a time for Blaine's liking. Finally he looked over at Blaine.
'Hey, aren't you the one who everyone's-'
Before the boy could finish, Blaine spun around and sped into the nearest stall, where he fell to his knees and vomited into the toilet.
'Are you okay?' the boy asked, sounding concerned. 'Should I get the nurse?'
'Just go,' Blaine rasped, resting his arm against the toilet and pressing his forehead to his arm. 'Leave me alone.'
Blaine reached back with his other arm, found the door and managed to shove it closed, giving him privacy. He could hear the boy shuffle around for a few more moments, but then the bathroom door open and closed, and the room became quiet except for Blaine's own heavy breathing.
Blaine heaved a deep sigh. This day really wasn't off to a great start.
Continued here.
Title: Beautifully Wrong
Author: Luca
Rating: NC-17
Characters: ftm!Blaine, Kurt, Blaine's parents, Cooper, Sebastian, Trent, various ND members, non-major OCs.
Spoilers: Up to 3.22 to be safe. Canon up to 3.05 and largely canon compliant beyond that (with some notable exceptions), but necessarily AU because of the subject matter.
Warnings (this part): Transphobia, homophobia
Word count (this part): 7600
Summary: Blaine is FtM (female to male transgender) and no one at McKinley knows about it, but he realizes this has to change if he wants his relationship with Kurt to survive. This fic explores different aspects of Blaine's transition and how it affects his relationships with those closest to him.
A/N: So here is the promised return to McKinley. Lyrics are from the Fly/I Believe I Can Fly mashup. Unsurprisingly this one has transphobia as well as general angstiness.
Also available on: FanFiction.net // Scarves&Coffee // Tumblr //
MASTERPOST
Chapter 11
A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood
.
'Wow,' Blaine breathed when he and Kurt had entered the car, and he was backing out of the driveway. 'I don't think I've been hugged that much in a year, let alone in one single morning.'
His mom and Cooper had been all over him that morning, hugging him every five minutes and then what felt like fifty times just before he and Kurt had left on the insistence that neither his mom or Cooper needed to accompany them.
'They care about you,' Kurt said from the passenger seat. 'It's a good thing.'
'I know, I know. I'm not complaining really. It's just, you'd think I was soldier going off to war or something.'
'Well, maybe you are,' Kurt said thoughtfully.
Blaine raised an eyebrow. 'I'm a soldier?'
'In a way?' Kurt thought for a moment, then a warm smile spread on his face. 'You're a fighter, I know that much.'
'And McKinley's my war,' Blaine mused and added after a moment, 'Actually that's a pretty good metaphor for high school in general, isn't it?'
Kurt snorted in amusement. 'Yeah, I guess it is.' He was silent for a moment or two before turning and looking seriously at Blaine. 'You're gonna win this one, you know.'
Blaine felt his breath catch in his throat, taken aback by Kurt's sudden serious tone. He swallowed. 'Yeah. Yeah, I hope so.'
They didn't talk much for the rest of the journey, and it wasn't until they rolled into the parking lot at McKinley that Blaine realized that he had been gripping the steering wheel rather more tightly than necessary. He breathed out slowly, attempting to soothe himself, but as he and Kurt walked across the lot towards the entrance, the opposite seemed to be happening, his heart seeming to beat harder and faster with every step he took.
They were just outside the doors, when Kurt - much to Blaine's surprise - took Blaine's hand in his and held it tightly. Blaine looked quizzical, but Kurt simply shrugged.
'They're gonna stare at us anyway,' he said.
Blaine nodded silently. His heart was still thumping so hard it hurt, but it felt muted somehow, like it didn't matter as much when Kurt was here, squeezing Blaine's hand tightly and keeping him reminded that he was not alone. Keeping him grounded and determined. He could do this.
Blaine drew a deep breath before he pushed the door open and led the way inside. They made their way through the semi-crowded hallway, and Blaine could sense heads turning and mouths moving, but he did his best to ignore them and kept his head high as they walked.
He was doing well until they reached Kurt's locker and Kurt let go of his hand. It was as if he had lost his anchor. A surge of panic coursed through him, and he once more became fully aware of his pounding heart. The people around him were suddenly extremely loud, as though someone had just maxed out the volume of a video game everyone was part of, and now Blaine was hearing bits of conversation left and right.
'History first lesson, right?'
'I mean, a C? I told you she hates me!'
'Dude, did you see the game last night?'
'Man, English sucks. They oughta give you points for just speaking it.'
'Did you hear? About the guy from the glee club?'
Blaine turned away from the voices and focused every inch of his being on the motions of Kurt's hands as he gathered his things. Biology textbook thrown into his locker. History textbook shoved into his bag. Locker closing with a snap. He concentrated hard on not paying attention to the conversations going on around him. On not checking if people were staring at him. On not caring whether the giggle he just heard had anything to do with him.
'Are you okay?' Kurt asked. He hoisted his bag over his shoulder and frowned in concern.
'Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry,' Blaine said, sounding more frantic than he meant to. He shook his head at himself and started down the hall, tugging Kurt with him. 'Come on, let's go get my stuff.'
Blaine made quick work of collecting the books he needed for his first class of the day, and continued to ignore his fellow students to the best of his ability.
'Do you want me to walk you to class?' Kurt asked.
Blaine slammed his locker shut. 'Kurt, I'm not five. I don't need a babysitter.'
'Okay, sorry.' Kurt winced. 'I'm just trying to toe the line between "supportive" and "patronizing" here.'
Blaine let out a soft sigh. 'No, it's fine, I didn't mean to snap. But it's like you said, isn't it? The bigger a deal I'm seen to be making out of this, the bigger a deal everyone else will make of it.' He looked at Kurt who nodded. 'So it's probably best if we just go about our day as normal.'
'You're right. We should get to class then.' Kurt looked at his watch and readjusted the bag hanging from his shoulder. 'I'll see you in third?'
'If I'm still alive by the end of second, yeah,' Blaine said with a small smile. 'Which I definitely will be,' he added at the look Kurt sent him.
Kurt rewarded him with a bright smile. 'That's the spirit.'
When Blaine stepped into Algebra a few minutes later, most of the class had already arrived, including three fellow glee club members. Blaine halted in front of a table at the front of the class where Tina, Artie and Sam were gathered, heads together and speaking in hushed voices.
'Blaine!' Sam said in an unnaturally high voice when he spotted Blaine. 'Dude, how are you?'
'I'm...' Blaine whispered, staring at each of his friends in turn. He wasn't exactly surprised to see them here - he had after all shared this class with them all year - and he had given some thought to what he would say and do when he saw the first of his friends, but now that the moment was here, he found himself unable to do anything other than stand there like a deer caught in the headlights.
The seat next to Sam was empty, and Blaine spent a long moment looking at it, trying to convince himself to just go over there and sit down as he would have on any other day, but the longer he stood there, the more impossible the prospect seemed.
When he finally did move, he avoided his friends' eyes as he moved right past them and continued until he reached the very last row of tables where he sat down at the empty corner table, giving a great sigh as he did. He wasn't doing well so far. The best thing that could be said was that he hadn't had a panic attack.
'Hey, Blainey,' the boy sitting at the table in front of Blaine jeered, teeth bared in a wide grin, and Blaine winced at the sound of it. Cooper was the only one who ever called him that, and because Blaine knew that he was only being big-brotherly, the only thing he complained about - and half-heartedly so - was the cutesy nature of it, but it struck him now how very girly that nickname sounded.
'Why the scowl?' the boy asked in fake concern. He leaned in confidentially. 'Are you PMS'ing? Is it your time of the month?'
Blaine flushed bright red, and he hated himself for it. He could simply have told his classmate to mind his own business - or even the truth, which was that he hadn't menstruated in years, so the joke kind of missed the mark.
Except it was also entirely on point.
'Oh, ha ha,' a voice said next to Blaine, and Blaine looked up to find Tina standing there, arms folded across her chest and looking very unimpressed. 'Get lost, Mark.'
'Can't.' The boy - Mark, yes that was his name - gave an exaggerated look of apology and tapped the chair he was sitting on. 'This is my seat.'
'Well, then turn around,' Tina said, motioning with her hand. 'sit like a normal person, and mind your own business.'
'Fine, I'll let you have your girl talk,' he said with a roll of his eyes before turning back around to face the blackboard.
Tina sat down next to Blaine who only now noticed that she had brought her things, clearly planning to spend the lesson at his side. He was caught between wanting to thank her and wanting to ask her to leave him alone.
So he ended up saying nothing.
'Hey,' Tina said, voice soft. 'Are you okay?'
'I'm fine, Tina,' Blaine replied, shuffling his notes needlessly.
'What they're saying about you...' she began while Blaine stared at the table, still avoiding her eyes. 'We were talking and...well, I guess it's not really any of our business, but it's just, none of us really know exactly what-'
'Lesson's starting,' Blaine said, relieved to see the teacher walking in.
'What? Oh, right.' Tina glanced to the front of the class where the teacher was settling in. She looked back at Blaine, and Blaine carefully looked ahead. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. We're all just hoping you're okay.'
'I'm fine,' Blaine whispered, not wishing to catch the teacher's attention. 'Let's just get through this lesson.'
Thankfully Tina took the hint and stayed quiet. A moment later the teacher addressed the class, and the lesson was underway.
Blaine's cheeks were still burning, and he had begun to sweat with the effort of not panicking. He wanted more than anything to be away from this classroom for a moment, to be given the chance to gather himself in private (from what? Why was he the wimp who freaked out over nothing?), but that wasn't an option now that the lesson had just started. Besides, even if he claimed to need the bathroom, everyone would know why he was really running off, and he had to appear as unfazed as possible.
Blaine took a deep breath. At least no one was looking at him now, everyone's attention more or less (Algebra was not everyone's favorite subject) on the teacher as she talked about the weekend's homework. Little by little Blaine managed to rid his body of anxiety until the way Tina kept glancing at him out of the corner of her eye was more annoying than upsetting.
When he finally started paying attention to the teacher's words, he found that the lesson actually served as a nice distraction. This, at least, hadn't changed. It was simply his class as usual, and he was good at this class. Before long he was fully immersed in it, taking notes and watching the teacher in rapt attention. He didn't volunteer any answers, but he did find himself writing most of them down or muttering them under his breath while he listened to his classmates struggle with them.
'Anyone?' the teacher called out when this had gone on for a while. She pointed to the - particularly difficult - problem on the blackboard. No one had yet offered a sufficient solution, and she was looking increasingly like someone who was losing faith in today's youth. 'Come on, people. You have to know this stuff.' She knocked her knuckles on the wooden table as she spoke. 'It's bound to come up in the exam.'
Blaine felt an elbow jab him in the side, and he looked up, startled, to find Tina looking from him to the notebook in front of him, which clearly showed the answer. She raised her eyebrows at him and motioned with her head towards the teacher.
Blaine shook his head.
'No one? Really? Mr. Anderson,' the teacher said and Blaine froze. 'You've been hiding back there long enough. Time to show us what you've got.'
'I- But- I don't-' Blaine spluttered, staring wide-eyed at the piece of chalk in his teacher's hand. He was pretty sure that he had done the calculation correctly, but he was not prepared to go up there in front of anyone. On any other day, yes, he would have done it gladly, but today he would rather keep his head low and not draw any attention.
'You know how to solve it?' the teacher went on, and it occurred to Blaine that she had no idea what today was for Blaine, hadn't been paying attention to the gossip going around the school.
'I- Yes, maybe. I think so, but-'
Next to him Tina whispered, barely audible, 'You're making it worse for yourself.' Blaine looked at her, and she smiled reassuringly. 'It's just like any other day, right?'
Blaine nodded and rose from his seat, because Tina was right. It wouldn't help matters to sit here and stutter like a fool. Anyway, when had he ever been known to deny a teacher's request?
And really, he thought once he was at the blackboard and working his way through the equation, this was not that bad. He had his back turned a lot of the time, and he directed any verbal explanations to his teacher, so he barely even had to look at his classmates' faces. Besides, even though he hated being put on display on a day like this, he was not up here because of who he was, but because of something he could do, and that made all the difference in the world.
At least until he began hearing snickering behind him.
They could be laughing about anything of course. Upon transferring to McKinley, Blaine had quickly learned that every class had one or more students who made a habit of not paying attention and/or being disruptive, so there was a chance that whatever had them so amused didn't have anything to do with him. But today of all days there was also a very high chance that it did, and the thought distracted Blaine.
'So if we multiply B and-' Blaine frowned. 'Wait, that's not right. Divide B...'
Another snicker followed by whispered words that Blaine couldn't make out.
'Quiet, Feeney,' the teacher said sharply. 'Or perhaps you would like to come up here instead?'
'No, Ma'am. Sorry, Ma'am,' the offending student said, but Blaine - still resolutely facing the other way, hand raised against the blackboard - heard amusement rather than regret in his voice.
'Good, then you might want to listen to Mr. Anderson. He actually knows what he's talking about.'
It was as though the teacher had pushed a button. One girl giggled, which seemed to set off people around her and within seconds the laughter had spread to what sounded to Blaine like half the class. Somewhere someone was whispering unintelligible words to another, and this time there was no doubt in Blaine's mind as to who or what they were about.
Blaine let his hand drop to his side, vaguely aware of letting go of the piece of chalk in his hand and it hitting the floor a second later.
'What is so funny?' the teacher demanded, when the scattered snickering persisted. Blaine turned around, wishing - not for the first time in his life - that he had the power of teleportation. 'Well?'
'It's just, you said he,' someone choked out between giggles - Blaine didn't have the presence of mind to note who. 'Which is funny since he's not really, y'know...'
A loud snort from the boy's neighbor interrupted his explanation, and once again it proved contagious as the entire class seemed to erupt into laughter.
Blaine felt nauseous. Two dozen pairs of eyes were looking at him with amusement and making a mockery of his identity, not knowing or caring how much that hurt. He heard in his mind slurs and comments he had been subject to years ago - Weirdo. Freak. You're not even a real boy - and he struggled to distinguish the laughter echoing from his past with the one ringing in his present. They had been laughing then, and they were laughing now. The faces had changed, but they were the same people, really. He might as well never have left Columbus.
Blaine moved on instinct - his mind reduced to a mantra of I can't, I can't, I can't -marching to the back of the class where he began to pick up his things and shoving them into his bag.
'Blaine...' Tina said, but Blaine refused to even look at her.
'Jeez, someone's sensitive,' a boy said somewhere behind Blaine. 'Like a girl one could even say.'
'Oh, for chrissakes, get over it,' Sam spoke up suddenly.
Thinking that Sam was talking to him, Blaine whipped around, but then he saw that Sam was actually glaring around at the rest of the class. He caught Blaine's eye for a moment, and he looked as though he wanted to say something but before he could, Blaine turned away again. He threw the last of his things into his bag and grabbed it, too intent on getting out of here to care that he hadn't closed it properly.
'Mr. Anderson, please, what is going on?' the teacher asked, looking thoroughly confused.
'I'm sorry, Miss,' Blaine mumbled, avoiding her eye as he strode past the rows of tables towards the door. Before he could get there, however, he found his path blocked by Sam.
'Dude, don't,' he said. 'Stay. Don't let a few idiots chase you away. No one in glee club cares if you're a girl.'
Blaine stared at Sam. 'I'm not a girl.'
'Shit, I'm sorry,' Sam said, eyes widening. 'You know what I mean.'
'Yes. I do. Move, please,' Blaine said, and it took all his willpower to make it sound demanding rather than pleading.
Sam held up his hands in what was probably meant to be a calming gesture. 'Look, just-'
But before Sam could get any further, Blaine pushed past him, making straight for the door and ignoring Sam's continued objections. Once he was out in the hallway, he broke into a run, praising himself lucky that no one was out here to see him. He ran without thinking towards the nearest boys' bathroom, and when he rounded a corner, he all but crashed into something large and burly.
'Hey, watch it,' the something - another student - said, offering Blaine a steadying hand to keep him from falling over. He picked up Blaine's schoolbag, which had been dropped in the collision, and handed it back to Blaine. As he did, he seemed to take in Blaine's person properly, and mischief rose in his eyes. 'It's you.'
'Yeah...' Blaine accepted the bag and took a step backwards, unnerved. 'I...I gotta go.'
He stepped around the bigger boy, eyes on the bathroom door a little further down the hall.
'Hey!' the boy called after Blaine, when the latter's hand was on the door. 'Girls are across the hall!'
Blaine ignored him and pushed open the door, grateful to find the bathroom empty. He went to the nearest sink, dropped his bag on the floor, and braced himself against the sink with both hands as he looked at himself in the mirror.
His skin was pale and clammy, and when he lifted his hand to turn on the faucet, he noticed for the first time that he was shaking. Ignoring it, he splashed cold water in his face in the hope that it would shock him out of his panic and enable him to think about something other than giving up, but all it achieved was to heighten of all his senses.
The light in the bathroom too bright suddenly, blinding him. The stench from the urinals ten times as foul as usual, making him nauseous. His heart hammering wildly in his chest. The bitter taste in his mouth which somehow reminded him of hospitals. His breathing labored as though he had just run a mile.
Blaine closed his eyes, willing himself to be okay. This was ridiculous. He had been supposed to hold his head high today, to show them that he was okay with who he was, even if they weren't. Instead, by panicking and running out on a lesson because he couldn't handle a few jokes, he had given them even more reason to think he was a freak. What was wrong with him?
As Blaine stood there, he suddenly heard the bathroom door open, and his heart skipped a beat. His eyes flew open, and he whipped his head around, prepared for the worst, but the boy who had entered seemed as unprepared for this meeting as Blaine did. He was small, younger than Blaine, probably a freshman, and he did not look particularly intimidating.
He stayed quiet and unimposing as he passed Blaine towards the urinals, although he did eye Blaine curiously. Blaine did his best to ignore him and concentrated on keeping his breathing even while the boy did his business. When he had finished at the urinals, he joined Blaine by the sinks and began washing his hands, taking far too long a time for Blaine's liking. Finally he looked over at Blaine.
'Hey, aren't you the one who everyone's-'
Before the boy could finish, Blaine spun around and sped into the nearest stall, where he fell to his knees and vomited into the toilet.
'Are you okay?' the boy asked, sounding concerned. 'Should I get the nurse?'
'Just go,' Blaine rasped, resting his arm against the toilet and pressing his forehead to his arm. 'Leave me alone.'
Blaine reached back with his other arm, found the door and managed to shove it closed, giving him privacy. He could hear the boy shuffle around for a few more moments, but then the bathroom door open and closed, and the room became quiet except for Blaine's own heavy breathing.
Blaine heaved a deep sigh. This day really wasn't off to a great start.
Continued here.