we're gonna die like this you know...miserable and old
yeah...so life. lovely, wonderful life that makes no fucking sense at all. everytime i think i've got something figured out, which is not all that often, because i'm usually obsessing over one unanswerable question, something happens that makes me doubt it. hell, this is why i have trust issues. and really, i don't see the point in anything anymore. okay, maybe it might seem like i overreact, but in my mind i'm not. honestly, if it were not for the scars, both physical and emotional, i would believe that the past were just an awful nightmare. like one of those dreams that seems so real that you wake up in the morning thinking it actually happened.
i just want to be someone's first choice. it's so stupid for me to even be thinking about this stuff when i have much larger issues, but maybe this provides a distraction and makes me feel like i am thinking about normal stuff for once. i love him...i do. i just hope everything goes okay. it's like i think about it and i always think that i'm strong, ya know. i used to think that i could get through anything, however the last few months have proved me wrong, and now when i think about going on without him i get this horrible feeling. i can't become this dependent. i hate this. great, i'm going to go back to guarding myself and then he's gonna read this and feel hurt? fuck. that's the last thing i want. i just hope that i'm not a pleasent distraction from loss and pain. i wonder if i would have found him at a different time in both of our lives, would things have been the same? sometimes i feel like regardless of our relationship, how special it may seem, they will always mean more to him in some sense. am i just a way to get over the girl he really wants? i know that sounds crazy, but i don't know. i mean...if he had his choice of everyone again, would he want only me? i don't think so. but then again, i guess i'm not being honest with myself either because i know how much the past can affect the present and the future. i just wish he would deal with it and be able to talk to me. the fact that we "might" want different things in life makes me want to die. i wonder if he is a serious about it as i am, or if i am just a name he can write in his livejournal enteries...oh God, what the hell am i saying? i know that's not true...not unless i have imagined the butterflies we get when we kiss each other, not unless he has lied to me about the feelings of floating and love, not unless i have mistaken a feeling of boredom for a twinkle in his eye...
i wish i could just let things go...i wish i didn't have to worry, but it's nights like this and last night that make me wonder. why the fuck are we different people on the phone and in person? sometimes i feel like the phone is the real us, because there is no fear of having to say it to the other person's face...if that's the case then i should be scared out of my mind because i am in way too deep.i don't care...holden, I LOVE YOU. read it and understand it. take it for what it's worth to you...i know what it means to me and that's something so amazing i still can't completely grasp it.
<3
i just want to be someone's first choice. it's so stupid for me to even be thinking about this stuff when i have much larger issues, but maybe this provides a distraction and makes me feel like i am thinking about normal stuff for once. i love him...i do. i just hope everything goes okay. it's like i think about it and i always think that i'm strong, ya know. i used to think that i could get through anything, however the last few months have proved me wrong, and now when i think about going on without him i get this horrible feeling. i can't become this dependent. i hate this. great, i'm going to go back to guarding myself and then he's gonna read this and feel hurt? fuck. that's the last thing i want. i just hope that i'm not a pleasent distraction from loss and pain. i wonder if i would have found him at a different time in both of our lives, would things have been the same? sometimes i feel like regardless of our relationship, how special it may seem, they will always mean more to him in some sense. am i just a way to get over the girl he really wants? i know that sounds crazy, but i don't know. i mean...if he had his choice of everyone again, would he want only me? i don't think so. but then again, i guess i'm not being honest with myself either because i know how much the past can affect the present and the future. i just wish he would deal with it and be able to talk to me. the fact that we "might" want different things in life makes me want to die. i wonder if he is a serious about it as i am, or if i am just a name he can write in his livejournal enteries...oh God, what the hell am i saying? i know that's not true...not unless i have imagined the butterflies we get when we kiss each other, not unless he has lied to me about the feelings of floating and love, not unless i have mistaken a feeling of boredom for a twinkle in his eye...
i wish i could just let things go...i wish i didn't have to worry, but it's nights like this and last night that make me wonder. why the fuck are we different people on the phone and in person? sometimes i feel like the phone is the real us, because there is no fear of having to say it to the other person's face...if that's the case then i should be scared out of my mind because i am in way too deep.i don't care...holden, I LOVE YOU. read it and understand it. take it for what it's worth to you...i know what it means to me and that's something so amazing i still can't completely grasp it.
<3