Turn of Events - spork the second
In our last chapter, we had crazy ex duhuhuhu-rama!!! Could it get stupider? You bet your boots!
After Odett stormed out, Usagi turned to Mamoru with a look of disgust, anguish, and many more emotions that just clashed with each other. "Mamoru, answer me these questions. Why didn't you
do anything when she was saying those things behind my back? Why did you let her rub against you like that? And what the fuck is that? How come you're hard? What does she do that I can't to make you hard like that without being naked? LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??"
“Whoa, whoa, honey, the answer to all those questions is ‘I don’t care’.”
"Nothing is wrong with you, baby. It's just; I don't know what it is about her.
She’s just got this great, heaving…heart. And enormous, supple…talent.
And boobs.
Just because she can get me aroused doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you."
"There must be something because if all she has to do is." Suddenly, she started to faint. She caught herself before he could.
Um…disaster averted?
She gave him a cold look and stormed out of the room. About fifteen minutes later, which Mamoru was eating, she had a bag full of clothes and other things which she would need to live off of for awhile.
So Mamoru eats minutes and she eats clothes. They seemed like such a perfect match.
"Where are you going?" said Mamoru with a mouth full of bacon.
"I'm going where someone can actually appreciate me."
“…or at least stop stuffing their face long enough to tell me ‘bye’. Seriously honey, our marriage is disintegrating, could you put down the pig long enough to at least feign concern?”
After she said that, a horn was blowing down stairs.
Ah, the clown brigade has arrived.
She looked out the window and there was Seiya in his escalade Cadillac.
Same thing.
He waved to her and she waved back. Then she looked back at Mamoru. "Mamo-chan, I'm not staying with him, so don't even think like that.
“And we’re totally not having revenge sex on top of that picture of your parents, just get that thought right out of your head.”
He's giving me a ride to Minako's house' cause I don't feel like driving. Look, I'll be back in a few day so that I can cool off."
After all, marathon sex can make you chafe if you don’t take a break every once in a while.
"Why? I mean, whatever it is, we can work it out." He started to walk over to her to hug her, but she pulled away.
"Uh-uh. Don't. I don't want to work it outright now; I just- I just need to calm down. Then we can talk again. Until then sayonara."
“Wait, I’m not done being a jerk yet! I have to throw myself securely into assclown territory and I need your help to do it!”
So she left and went down stairs to see Seiya. He got out of the car to meet her half way so that he could be seen by Mamoru. He gave her a big bear hug and whispered something in her ear. When Mamoru saw this, he was outraged.
Because grabbing a penis is one thing, but whispering? He’s shanked a man for less.
By the time he decided that he wanted to go and confront him, they got in the car, started the ignition, and drove away. He stood against the long window with his face and hands pressed against it.
Because the last thing your wife wants to see is your face smushed up against the glass like an elephant’s taint. It reminds her why she’s leaving.
In his head he thought 'What did I do that was so wrong?
What, do you want a list?
I mean, I reacted the way any man would with a woman whose titties are as big as melons. Usagi just doesn't know how much I love her.
Denial: because it’s hard being perfect.
I have to show her somehow.' After his last thought, the doorbell rung. When he answered it, he couldn't believe what he saw. It was Odett with a little skimpy nurses outfit.
Yeah, I wouldn’t believe the author would sink to that level either, but here we are.
"Odett, what are you, um, doing here with that little outfit on?"
“I’m going to vaccinate you against the H1N1 virus. What the hell do you think I’m doing?!”
"Well, are you just gonna stand in the doorway and let me freeze or are you going to fuck me?!"
Well, they’re both good options.
With that said, she jumped on him and started wildly kissing him. He didn't know how to react at first, but then he imagined Usagi and Seiya making love. He started kissing her back.
Whoa! …is there something you want to tell us, Mamoru?
All of a sudden, Usagi came through the door because she forgot her deodorant.
That was convenient.
Her mouth dropped wide open and she almost fainted. She then let out a loud scream. Seiya heard it and came running to the rescue.
“What is it? Did you almost faint?
When he came through the door, he was about as shocked as Usagi."Mamo-chan, what-what are you doing with her?" asked Usagi with such hurt in her voice.
No, it’s not what you think! She has deadly snakes in her underwear and he’s helping get them out with his mouth.
"I-I-I didn't mean to. She kissed me. You know I would never hurt you like that."
“Please ignore the other occasions where I have actually hurt you like that.”
"Yea you would; you just wouldn't tell me. You were going to fuck her, weren't you?" No answer. "Weren't you?" Still no an.."O my goodness; you were. I can't believe you. I just can't elieelieve you would hurt me like this." She started pounding on his chest, crying madly. He tried to catch her fist, but it wasn't working.
I’m trying to think of a way the author hasn’t used to make Mamoru look like a wimpy asshat, but I’m coming up blank.
"No, don't fucking touch me! You are such a." Suddenly, she fainted.
Somebody needs to loosen usagi’s bodice, she’s getting the vapours. And possibly the croup.
Seiya caught her and held her closely. "What the fuck is your problem, man? You know how sensitive she is and you still hurt her."
“Yes, you totally hurt Usagi, you fucking two-timer! I’ve a right mind to spank your perfect ass!”
"I didn't mean to; she just came in at the wrong time.
“Hey, if she’d gotten here a little later, threesome!”
Odett came on to me, not the other way around." "That maybe so, but if it was, how come you were feeling on her ass and passionately kissing her the way you should onlykiss Usagi.
“YOU HAVE NO RIGHT KISSING ANOTHER WOMAN LIKE THAT, YOU SEXY BASTARD!” Seriously, Seiya, is there something you want to tell us?
If she had been here, what would you have done? You would have done everything differently, now wouldn't you? That's your wife and you just backstabbed her like that." "Man, you don't know what thefuck you're talking about."After Mamoru said that, Seiya put Usagi down andconfronted him. As soon as he got in his face, Mamoru swung.
“Stupidstupidstupid why do I always swing first, damnit Seiya, why can’t I just TELL you how I feel!!!”
It hit him, but Seiya, as soon as Mamoru's fist was about tohit him, swung at his stomach. Then he took his other fistand swung at Mamoru's face.
I just picture them throwing all these punches at each other and never making contact. It’s like a ballet of fail.
Mamoru stumbled and Seiyakept going. He kept punching and punching, which all ofthem were hitting him. Mamoru's nose started to bleed alongwith his bottom lip. Usagi woke up about two minutes afterthe fight started. Seiya saw her in the corner of his eye but hekept on swinging.
He has to work out his hate-on somehow.
"Seiya, stop!! You're hurting him!! Stop!!" cried Usagi."Yea, you are hurting him." said Odett. "Look, tramp, get thefuck out and if you ever come near my house again, I swearyou will wish you never did."
Wait, she’ll wish she never got the fuck out of her house?
Odett left because although she can be very deceitfuland everything, she was very sensitive.
Oh that’s just temporary honey, the first few months after the surgery can be rough on the ol’ areolas.
Then Usagi turnedback to Seiya who was now beating Mamoru to a bloodypulp. "Seiya, if you love me, you will stop."After Seiya heard this, he immediately stopped. Mamorustumbled agand tnd then fell. Usagi instantly ran to him. Shewas crying and so was he. Seiya saw that he could nevercome between them.
Maybe on the receiving end, though. HEIYOOOOOO!!!!
Even though it was a set destiny alreadyfor them, they had a genuine love."O, Usa, I'm so sorry." "No, don't talk. Shh. It's alright.She pu up up on you, you didn't push up on her.
“Shhhh, it’s okay, she pu up up on you, you’ll be fine as soon as we figured out what the hell that is.”
Look, we'lltalk about it later. Come on, let's get you up now. Seiya, I'msorry I ged ged you up here. Can you bring my stuff up forme?" "Sure; look I'm sorry." "Don't be. You were just trying toprotect me."
To which Seiya replied, “Uhh, yeah, that’s exactly it. For completely unrelated reasons, I’ll be in my bunk.”
She walked over and gave him a quick peck on the lipsand went back over to her husband to help him get into bed.After she was finished with Mamoru and she came back intothe living room, Seiya was gone. Her bag was back but it hada note attached to it. It read:
Usagi,
I will always love you with all my heart.
And with my penis.
If it was my
choice, I would haven kin killed Mamoru. But it is your
destiny to be together and nothing either one of you can do
can change that.
Seriously, you’ll never be rid of this guy. Either of you don’t like it? Tough titty. You’re stuck together like two sweets thrown haphazardly in a bin together, and that alone is your purpose in life. Enjoy your forever, ima go be in a Dita/Yaten sammich now.
Cuddles,
Seiya
No matter how much you break up, you will
always get back together and it's way deeper than destiny or
anything else so celestial.
It’s not deeper than highschool drama, however.
You are the sexiest girl, no, woman
I know and you've grown up right in front of my eyes.
Aww, Seiya just scored some points with me, right thar.
Anyway,
just know that I am deeply sorry, but this event should have
made you realize that you and Mamoru belong together. It
will also get rid of Odett because I think she saw how mad
you were and she doesn't want what happen to Mamoru to
happen to her.
Yes, spousal battery: the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems.
With unconditional love,
Seiya
After Usagi read his note, she was in tears. She realized that most of everything in it was a lie.
THERE WAS NO CAKE!
She knew that she really loved Seiya. She would always love Mamoru, but he hurt her many times before and this was just the last time that she could handle. Suddenly, she realized Mamoru was
still lying in the bed in pain. An explosion of anger came about her and suddenly she wanted to make him suffer.
She went to fetch a 2X4 and a sledgehammer.
A split second later, she grabbed her coat and keys and walked out of the door. After she got down stairs, she got in her car, started the ignition, and drove away.
Thus summarizing the rest of the fic:
MAMO: grrr, I angry that you know guys! Assclown smash!
USA: your ex has big titties, you suck!
MAMO: NO U *cheats and gets ass kicked*
USA: no, my precious love! *throws him down and goes to make sexytiems*
MAMO: nooo, my wife actually has desires and needs outside mine! Assclown smash!
Lather, rinse repeat.