All My Bags Are Packed.
Things, the way they are, have a way of getting really old, really fast. I feel like my life's been a broken record for months now. I just got back from the gym so everything, if anything, profound I thought of today is currently out of order.
I just want to see some progress. I just want to see something get better. Because that's what happens. The more you try, the better you get. Right? I mean, even if you suck at something, you get less sucky if you try.
And on top of that, boredom is eating my brain alive!
I need something to do. To keep my mind off things. To keep my mind from venturing off into the land of recent disappointments where it will inevitably suffer a long and painful demise.
I've started playing guitar again. And maybe I'm a little better than I was before. But I really think that I'm not. I really think that I'm kind of in the same place I've been with that for months now. (once again I'm going to bring up the need to see some progress)
It's also been pretty sucky lately with friends. I think I hate more than anything when people say "hey come hang out" and I say "sorry I don't have a ride" and they say "oh, too bad. that sucks. we should hang soon"... sincere... I really just hate knowing that I can't really rely on anyone. I hate feeling like I don't really have a best friend. This is stupid.
This is so stupid.
I have been fighting this stupid economy and not being able to find a job and not being able to pay for school for almost a year now. This year has been a waste! I waste of time that I will never get back... I think about a year ago. And I have never before wanted so badly to go back to a year ago...
Why is it so easy for some people to move on?
What am I supposed to learn through all this?
What kind of person am I going to turn out to be?
I can't even sleep soundly because all I can think of are questions. A million questions. Why am I where I'm at in life? And why is there no one in sight for miles to lend a helping hand?
Emotional support can only go so far... and it's very much appreciated, don't get me wrong, but at some point I'm going to need something tangible to hold on to.
And when I do sleep, I don't want to wake up, because my dreams are so vivid and so real, (not necessarily great dreams) but they are so real, and lately, they've been so far from reality that I would rather spend all my time in that world than in this one. I hate it because I wake up in the morning and the dreams still cling in my mind so vividly, I would rather sink back into a deep sleep and lose myself inside my mind... Sounds so crazy, I know. And a little personal for my LJ I guess... But I don't care.
Why not be personal?
It doesn't matter any more. I've been personal with so many people and they just hit the ground running the other way...
I met this guy. He's the new guitarist for a band my brother's trying to put together. Now it's not like that. I don't mean that I "met" a guy... I just mean that he was introduced. He was helping me and Josh move all Josh and Steph's stuff to their new apartment. He was ridiculously nice. Cute. And Polite. As the day went on I learned more and more about him... on paper, he was everything I look for in a guy... But I always aim for higher than I could ever possibly reach. I thought it was funny. Meeting him this week. Because it was a perfect metaphor with the way things are going in my life.
The "ideal" walks in to my life. Sits next to me. Talks with me. We share a few laughs even... But it's never going to be mine. Never going to be close enough to know. And then it leaves. And I won't ever know if I will meet it again. Or if I'd ever have a chance to reach it. I feel teased.
I am tortured by my passion.
And this is where I end up. Pouring my heart out to a stupid online journal. How pathetic. Because I have no one close enough to even want to hear me out.
How did I get here?
And how long will I call this my residence?
Leaving On a Jet Plane - Janis Joplin
This is the most recent song I've learned to play.
I just want to see some progress. I just want to see something get better. Because that's what happens. The more you try, the better you get. Right? I mean, even if you suck at something, you get less sucky if you try.
And on top of that, boredom is eating my brain alive!
I need something to do. To keep my mind off things. To keep my mind from venturing off into the land of recent disappointments where it will inevitably suffer a long and painful demise.
I've started playing guitar again. And maybe I'm a little better than I was before. But I really think that I'm not. I really think that I'm kind of in the same place I've been with that for months now. (once again I'm going to bring up the need to see some progress)
It's also been pretty sucky lately with friends. I think I hate more than anything when people say "hey come hang out" and I say "sorry I don't have a ride" and they say "oh, too bad. that sucks. we should hang soon"... sincere... I really just hate knowing that I can't really rely on anyone. I hate feeling like I don't really have a best friend. This is stupid.
This is so stupid.
I have been fighting this stupid economy and not being able to find a job and not being able to pay for school for almost a year now. This year has been a waste! I waste of time that I will never get back... I think about a year ago. And I have never before wanted so badly to go back to a year ago...
Why is it so easy for some people to move on?
What am I supposed to learn through all this?
What kind of person am I going to turn out to be?
I can't even sleep soundly because all I can think of are questions. A million questions. Why am I where I'm at in life? And why is there no one in sight for miles to lend a helping hand?
Emotional support can only go so far... and it's very much appreciated, don't get me wrong, but at some point I'm going to need something tangible to hold on to.
And when I do sleep, I don't want to wake up, because my dreams are so vivid and so real, (not necessarily great dreams) but they are so real, and lately, they've been so far from reality that I would rather spend all my time in that world than in this one. I hate it because I wake up in the morning and the dreams still cling in my mind so vividly, I would rather sink back into a deep sleep and lose myself inside my mind... Sounds so crazy, I know. And a little personal for my LJ I guess... But I don't care.
Why not be personal?
It doesn't matter any more. I've been personal with so many people and they just hit the ground running the other way...
I met this guy. He's the new guitarist for a band my brother's trying to put together. Now it's not like that. I don't mean that I "met" a guy... I just mean that he was introduced. He was helping me and Josh move all Josh and Steph's stuff to their new apartment. He was ridiculously nice. Cute. And Polite. As the day went on I learned more and more about him... on paper, he was everything I look for in a guy... But I always aim for higher than I could ever possibly reach. I thought it was funny. Meeting him this week. Because it was a perfect metaphor with the way things are going in my life.
The "ideal" walks in to my life. Sits next to me. Talks with me. We share a few laughs even... But it's never going to be mine. Never going to be close enough to know. And then it leaves. And I won't ever know if I will meet it again. Or if I'd ever have a chance to reach it. I feel teased.
I am tortured by my passion.
And this is where I end up. Pouring my heart out to a stupid online journal. How pathetic. Because I have no one close enough to even want to hear me out.
How did I get here?
And how long will I call this my residence?
Leaving On a Jet Plane - Janis Joplin
This is the most recent song I've learned to play.