I sat and I read...
Iv'e spent...the last few weeks being in termoil... I've been...confused about how I should feel.. I've been determined to reconnect with my oldest...that I have felt so torn apart from, and most of that was my fault..I've strived to be a better parent... I've tried to work on my self as I've noticed more and more manic episodes and my self sinking in and out of depression.. and wanting to hide away from the world... Maggi has finally had enough of this state of being from me, and Steve thinks I have went off my medication or something and friends think I am being a cunt not messaging them back, not hanging out and not having un blocked blog entrys.
It started out as I felt kinda akward being out with friends, even "the Family" with Cameron...so I started spending less time. Then it got to, I really just wanted to leave the house with out the kids, then I started feeling guilt for leaving kids, then I startd staying home more, then when we started getting sick alot i used it as an excuse not to have to leave the house, and that led to being weary of leaving the house and that lead to fear of leaving the house, and wheN I was out even around Maggi i couldn't get home fast enough. I spent 3 or 4 days (I forget) with Maggi and the Family when it snowed, I was like a trapped animal I was so anxiety ridden and couldn't wait to get home. for what? to sit and watch tv play with the kids and sleep? take naps? make bottles? change diapers? things I could have done with someone instead of just sitting there alone...with the boys looking out the window and thanking god I didn't have to step foot through that door? Steve has gone grocery shopping for me the last 3 weeks. I've been to walmart once on my own in a month. Im afraid in walmart. I get half my list to just get out early. I've been going with out eating except for once a day because I don't want to have to go to grocery store I'd rather just have enough for kids...
it really hit the fan when My grandmother died recently...I didn't want to go...I hate funerals in the first place. I hate that side of the family. My Dad & I are the "Bad' he's tattoo'd did time and isn't afraid to speak his opinion,a nd I am tattoo'd pierced and as they know "gay" so...we get it when we go...Grandma Ghram, Grandma newsome and Grandpa newsome didnt' care they loved us no matter what. I was never so proud when I got to take COnor down there. I am just sorry they never got to see Cameron. and That I didn't get to say good bye. I was sick, and it snowed the weekend of her funeral...Steve asked me if I really wanted to go, he would take me. I said no... I haven't really delt with that loss yet. a week ago on the way home from something steve and I were kinda arguing and he's like what the hell is wrong with you lately? I started bawling and saying I was tired, I did't know why and I was nervous cause we were out of the hosue and that I missed her and I hadne't cried yet." and It started then and I have been crying on and off ever since. its not like me to cry...
the next straw was my periods being weird for like...I don't know...since I had cameron. But.. I went to doctor he said "we need to re-do your tube clippin and your uterus is larger than normal" posative piss test was what brought me in really. it made me drop instantly into a pit of fear and self abuse.. How Could I even let it happen? HOw could I be so iresponsible? what the hell was wrong with me? it turned out to be most painful period of my life...but it was just a build up of linning. like a false pregnancy. I had one wheN I was younger that I had a d/c for...Im still cramping from it.. I am still emotional and fatigued...but..it just brought a whole new level of fear. of sex. I am going back in for surgery as soon as I get the State insurance for women to get it done. I have two wonderful bosy I coudln't ask for anything more. I don't want to risk anything more. I want to be here for them more than anything. I have felt so blessed lately, because I've reallly looked at them. and I am greatful for that eye opening light that has let me see them for the beautiful things in my life that they are...
ITs no secret I have trust issues. its note exactly that I don't trust people, its just I have a hard time letting go of control. like basic decisions. Its easy for me to feel the need to trust, to feel the need to let go, because I have decided a long time ago she knows best. She's known best when sure as hell have not had a damn clue... I guess maybe I've been looking for too much guidance lately. I've been such a mess that I don't know which way is up and I need to be told. Maybe I am in that point I need to say please help, maybe I do need step by step instructions. because right now I am floundering in many aspects of life.
I do need help. I am not one to ask for help. its swallowing pride that I can do it on my own. Obviiously I need to say "HEY STUPID WAKE UP" obviously you realized long ago you couldn't do it on your own and you sought out that higher person that you could trust and you could hide behind and you could look to...and I made a big realization at some point or I wouldn't have this tattoo on my arm. Its funny that something is in my face but I forget to look. I forget where to look.
in highschool I was a loner. even beign with Steve for 7 years I was a loner... and its hard to remeber I am not alone. I don't have to be alone. Because I am not alone. I have people who love me, care for me, want to be with me. Choose to be with me. not because they feel they have to, because they want to...
I am needy, I am clingy. for some reason I am ashamed to act on how I feel.
I am sitting in my safe spot. My Room, My Bed, My laptop... I am to hope, this summer I can Set side these things and break out of this I've gotta get out of this...I've got to find an end to this...and get back to me my life my family.
I can't keep doing this.
I despise my self...I am what I hate, I am drama I am stress...I am what I hated about Goldi. Inconvience...and I thought I wasn't because I was staying away. I thought I wasn't drama that I was verbalizing how I felt when I guess how I felt was bitching...I don't know how to verbalize I guess. I don't know...I don't know where that line is.
For years I had Rachel to vent to, and bounce my thoughts off of. now...I don't have anyone...
Her ruleing today was "go have sex' basicly. but..sex is emotional for me..and I feel that is cheating..that bothers me..but I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to make that work...I don't feel its right. I feel its taking something from her. Its very confusing. I miss that tie with someone, I miss sexual exchange but...at what price...
Its just so much right now...
Its a change, its transition, its finding that way, its growing... its..something...
It started out as I felt kinda akward being out with friends, even "the Family" with Cameron...so I started spending less time. Then it got to, I really just wanted to leave the house with out the kids, then I started feeling guilt for leaving kids, then I startd staying home more, then when we started getting sick alot i used it as an excuse not to have to leave the house, and that led to being weary of leaving the house and that lead to fear of leaving the house, and wheN I was out even around Maggi i couldn't get home fast enough. I spent 3 or 4 days (I forget) with Maggi and the Family when it snowed, I was like a trapped animal I was so anxiety ridden and couldn't wait to get home. for what? to sit and watch tv play with the kids and sleep? take naps? make bottles? change diapers? things I could have done with someone instead of just sitting there alone...with the boys looking out the window and thanking god I didn't have to step foot through that door? Steve has gone grocery shopping for me the last 3 weeks. I've been to walmart once on my own in a month. Im afraid in walmart. I get half my list to just get out early. I've been going with out eating except for once a day because I don't want to have to go to grocery store I'd rather just have enough for kids...
it really hit the fan when My grandmother died recently...I didn't want to go...I hate funerals in the first place. I hate that side of the family. My Dad & I are the "Bad' he's tattoo'd did time and isn't afraid to speak his opinion,a nd I am tattoo'd pierced and as they know "gay" so...we get it when we go...Grandma Ghram, Grandma newsome and Grandpa newsome didnt' care they loved us no matter what. I was never so proud when I got to take COnor down there. I am just sorry they never got to see Cameron. and That I didn't get to say good bye. I was sick, and it snowed the weekend of her funeral...Steve asked me if I really wanted to go, he would take me. I said no... I haven't really delt with that loss yet. a week ago on the way home from something steve and I were kinda arguing and he's like what the hell is wrong with you lately? I started bawling and saying I was tired, I did't know why and I was nervous cause we were out of the hosue and that I missed her and I hadne't cried yet." and It started then and I have been crying on and off ever since. its not like me to cry...
the next straw was my periods being weird for like...I don't know...since I had cameron. But.. I went to doctor he said "we need to re-do your tube clippin and your uterus is larger than normal" posative piss test was what brought me in really. it made me drop instantly into a pit of fear and self abuse.. How Could I even let it happen? HOw could I be so iresponsible? what the hell was wrong with me? it turned out to be most painful period of my life...but it was just a build up of linning. like a false pregnancy. I had one wheN I was younger that I had a d/c for...Im still cramping from it.. I am still emotional and fatigued...but..it just brought a whole new level of fear. of sex. I am going back in for surgery as soon as I get the State insurance for women to get it done. I have two wonderful bosy I coudln't ask for anything more. I don't want to risk anything more. I want to be here for them more than anything. I have felt so blessed lately, because I've reallly looked at them. and I am greatful for that eye opening light that has let me see them for the beautiful things in my life that they are...
ITs no secret I have trust issues. its note exactly that I don't trust people, its just I have a hard time letting go of control. like basic decisions. Its easy for me to feel the need to trust, to feel the need to let go, because I have decided a long time ago she knows best. She's known best when sure as hell have not had a damn clue... I guess maybe I've been looking for too much guidance lately. I've been such a mess that I don't know which way is up and I need to be told. Maybe I am in that point I need to say please help, maybe I do need step by step instructions. because right now I am floundering in many aspects of life.
I do need help. I am not one to ask for help. its swallowing pride that I can do it on my own. Obviiously I need to say "HEY STUPID WAKE UP" obviously you realized long ago you couldn't do it on your own and you sought out that higher person that you could trust and you could hide behind and you could look to...and I made a big realization at some point or I wouldn't have this tattoo on my arm. Its funny that something is in my face but I forget to look. I forget where to look.
in highschool I was a loner. even beign with Steve for 7 years I was a loner... and its hard to remeber I am not alone. I don't have to be alone. Because I am not alone. I have people who love me, care for me, want to be with me. Choose to be with me. not because they feel they have to, because they want to...
I am needy, I am clingy. for some reason I am ashamed to act on how I feel.
I am sitting in my safe spot. My Room, My Bed, My laptop... I am to hope, this summer I can Set side these things and break out of this I've gotta get out of this...I've got to find an end to this...and get back to me my life my family.
I can't keep doing this.
I despise my self...I am what I hate, I am drama I am stress...I am what I hated about Goldi. Inconvience...and I thought I wasn't because I was staying away. I thought I wasn't drama that I was verbalizing how I felt when I guess how I felt was bitching...I don't know how to verbalize I guess. I don't know...I don't know where that line is.
For years I had Rachel to vent to, and bounce my thoughts off of. now...I don't have anyone...
Her ruleing today was "go have sex' basicly. but..sex is emotional for me..and I feel that is cheating..that bothers me..but I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to make that work...I don't feel its right. I feel its taking something from her. Its very confusing. I miss that tie with someone, I miss sexual exchange but...at what price...
Its just so much right now...
Its a change, its transition, its finding that way, its growing... its..something...