betrayal is my cancer.
So far today has been awkward. I awoke with thoughts and feelings of hate and disgust which is quite unusual. I'd be lying to say that I haven't been troubled lately, and today is especially no different. In any case, I know for certain that I am in good hands and I am in love, yet there's a part of me that lingers in the shadows of sorrow and feels betrayed. I s'pose that sorta stuff happens though.
On another note I'm glad I went to the improv show last night, it was refreshing. I had a great day yesterday. Even if it is incredibly hard to get onto campus nowadays, I'm still glad I managed. Or atleast part of me is, then there's another part of me that says "Wow, I'm so glad I've gotten out of this place." Then there's another part of me that regretted ever going there. I used to be somebody with no regrets, and in fact on a good day I can still say that I have no regrets. On a bad day I deny that I have any. I'm not sure which is true anymore. If I have regrets that I deny or if I wish I had some so I could be like everyone else. I look at it this way: I don't regret anything because whatever I did or whatever happened to me, got me in my present state of being, and it's not too bad.
There are things that make me angry that I've done, but I must be honest, I do feel regret for doing them. I probably would've done it all the same. I used to make one exception. If I had made that exception though, I realize that I would not be as happy as I am currently. Well, to say currently isn't appropriate. I'm feeling rather bitter now. I almost feel as if there are people whom I absolutely never want to see again and other people whom I wish I could be with more. Enough rubbish though. I s'pose people want to know how I'm doing. I'm sure nobody really cares about all the stuff in between. Afterall I see people nowadays and they don't ask for my life story since we've last seen eachother, they only ever want to know how I am doing. In that sense I'll simply say that I am o.k.
I haven't philosophized very much lately. My desk is relatively clean and not scattered with doodlings and chicken scratch ideas as much as it used to be. I find it hard to write anymore. The only thing I ever have desire to write are the demons in my mind which I blame on the same circumstances and the same people over and over again. I've gotten past the stage where I take the burden of everyone else's sorrows. I don't blame myself for so much anymore, and I feel that maybe I'm taking atleast one good step for myself. Instead I'm trying to feel good about things.It's a hard thing to do. So indeed even if I am feeling a little bitter, I remind myself of the jazz musician, Duke Ellington's words, "Grey skies are just clouds passing over." In any case my clouds always pass over at about 21h15 every night if not earlier during the day. Hopefully, I can get back to thinking philosophy soon. There's very few things I'd rather do, and since all other thing are unavailable part of the time, philosophy has to fill the void as well as listening to music.
On another note I'm glad I went to the improv show last night, it was refreshing. I had a great day yesterday. Even if it is incredibly hard to get onto campus nowadays, I'm still glad I managed. Or atleast part of me is, then there's another part of me that says "Wow, I'm so glad I've gotten out of this place." Then there's another part of me that regretted ever going there. I used to be somebody with no regrets, and in fact on a good day I can still say that I have no regrets. On a bad day I deny that I have any. I'm not sure which is true anymore. If I have regrets that I deny or if I wish I had some so I could be like everyone else. I look at it this way: I don't regret anything because whatever I did or whatever happened to me, got me in my present state of being, and it's not too bad.
There are things that make me angry that I've done, but I must be honest, I do feel regret for doing them. I probably would've done it all the same. I used to make one exception. If I had made that exception though, I realize that I would not be as happy as I am currently. Well, to say currently isn't appropriate. I'm feeling rather bitter now. I almost feel as if there are people whom I absolutely never want to see again and other people whom I wish I could be with more. Enough rubbish though. I s'pose people want to know how I'm doing. I'm sure nobody really cares about all the stuff in between. Afterall I see people nowadays and they don't ask for my life story since we've last seen eachother, they only ever want to know how I am doing. In that sense I'll simply say that I am o.k.
I haven't philosophized very much lately. My desk is relatively clean and not scattered with doodlings and chicken scratch ideas as much as it used to be. I find it hard to write anymore. The only thing I ever have desire to write are the demons in my mind which I blame on the same circumstances and the same people over and over again. I've gotten past the stage where I take the burden of everyone else's sorrows. I don't blame myself for so much anymore, and I feel that maybe I'm taking atleast one good step for myself. Instead I'm trying to feel good about things.It's a hard thing to do. So indeed even if I am feeling a little bitter, I remind myself of the jazz musician, Duke Ellington's words, "Grey skies are just clouds passing over." In any case my clouds always pass over at about 21h15 every night if not earlier during the day. Hopefully, I can get back to thinking philosophy soon. There's very few things I'd rather do, and since all other thing are unavailable part of the time, philosophy has to fill the void as well as listening to music.