Comme Ils disent en italien, "La Vita Bella."
As if the last entry was soley about Micheal Moore. I don't give a fuck anyway. Je souhaite que quelque personne laise-moi tranquil. Pour les gens qui comprenne comme je dis, ecoute-moi. Probablement, tu es un ami qui j'aime beaucoup. Je ne parle pas le français parce que tous mes amis parlent le français. Je parle français parce qu'il y a une personne qui casse mon coeur. Maintenant, la raison que ceci est important est parce qu'elle me blesse très profondément. Je ne peux pas sembler le se remettre de, et je me sens qu'elle du dégout pour moi. Ecoute moi, Je l'ai invitée à ma soirée et à elle ne m'a pas parlé même! Maintenant, je pense qu'elle me neglige. Alors, si ceci était la façon qu'il a été signifié être, je me sens que je serais mieux mort. Dis, j'ai beaucoup des amis, mais, comment beaucoup d'entre les sont vrai ? Tu connais la personne qui a cassé mon coeur. Je ne dirai pas des noms. Je déteste la vie maintenant, mais je ne peux pas oblier c'est le maxime d'italien; " La vita bella." Oui, je me souviens que "La vita bella". No matter what, things will work out and I shant dwell. I turn to the wisdom of Chuang Tzu when I feel troubled.
The South Sea King was Act-on-Your-Hunch.
The North Sea King was Act-in-a-Flash.
The king of the place between them was
No-Form.
Now the South Sea King
And North Sea King
Used to go together often
To the land of No-Form:
He treated them well.
So they consulted together
They thought up a good turn,
A pleasant surprise for No-Form
In token of appreciation.
“Men,” they said, “have seven openings
For seeing, hearing, eating, breathing,
And so on, But No-Form
Has no openings. Let’s make him
A few holes.”
So after that
They put holes in No-Form,
One a day, for seven days.
And when the finished the seventh opening
Their friend lay dead
-Chuang Tzu
I should not change for what anybody thinks is better. I wouldn’t want to end up in misfortune. I talk of heartbreak and of betrayal and pain tonight. How the more I think about it, the more I regret forgiving people for what they do to me. I must remember that it is not in my nature to not forgive. I would not carry a burden of guilt for not letting anyone’s conscience be clean. My conscience is clean if I hurt, and if I hurt and forgive, another’s conscience is clean. Our consciences are clean, yet I still hurt. There’s nothing that can be done, less the void of what was fills with something else. Music temporarily does the trick, but the moment I stop listening is the second all of the anesthetic goes away.
Fuck people who hurt me, they’ll hurt as much as I do some day. It is within the balance of life that you get what you give. I try to be nice, but my sister told me tonight, “Ryan, you’re too good to your women.” I don’t know any other way though. This is something I don’t want my father to know, and now we move onto a more positive and more secret note that I wish to declare amongst all of my readers since it fills my heart with such joy.
Tonight, I talked to my sister for the first time in 8 years. None of you know her, and I’ve shown very few people pictures of me with her. She is still one of the kindest souls ever. Our conversation tonight made me not feel so alone. We’re both of the same father and feel the same way about him. Although I’ve been with him my whole life and she hasn’t. I won’t get into my family relationships tonight. I feel that out of my family, out of only talking to my sister for 2 hours since 8 years ago, I could trust her more than either mother, father, or any additions to the family since the divorce. It’s no offense to Mike, but he doesn’t know our father like we do. I was so happy to talk to her that for only the third time in my life I wept in happiness. We now have means to keep in touch with each other. This is a very comforting though. I’ve added another home to the list of places I can claim asylum. I love my sister so very much, and I’ve missed her ever since the day when I was 9 years old and my father told me that she was never coming back.
Things are never as they seem to be. Yet, what are things? Nothing, until given a name. Thinking this way has made my mind start over all anew, and in thinking about things that haven’t names, meaning, nor substance, I know what is not. In knowing what is not, I know everything that is antipode of is not, is. Something that is not is given the title of not existing, therefore it becomes known which makes it now something. Nothing and everything is one in the same. I know things tonight on my journal may have seemed a bit strange. Take it from me though. There are people who affect the balance of my life, some bad, some good. In this entry of both angry ranting in French about somebody who broke my heart, there too was good mention of a happy reunion with my sister. This is a balanced entry and reflects life in its entirety.
The South Sea King was Act-on-Your-Hunch.
The North Sea King was Act-in-a-Flash.
The king of the place between them was
No-Form.
Now the South Sea King
And North Sea King
Used to go together often
To the land of No-Form:
He treated them well.
So they consulted together
They thought up a good turn,
A pleasant surprise for No-Form
In token of appreciation.
“Men,” they said, “have seven openings
For seeing, hearing, eating, breathing,
And so on, But No-Form
Has no openings. Let’s make him
A few holes.”
So after that
They put holes in No-Form,
One a day, for seven days.
And when the finished the seventh opening
Their friend lay dead
-Chuang Tzu
I should not change for what anybody thinks is better. I wouldn’t want to end up in misfortune. I talk of heartbreak and of betrayal and pain tonight. How the more I think about it, the more I regret forgiving people for what they do to me. I must remember that it is not in my nature to not forgive. I would not carry a burden of guilt for not letting anyone’s conscience be clean. My conscience is clean if I hurt, and if I hurt and forgive, another’s conscience is clean. Our consciences are clean, yet I still hurt. There’s nothing that can be done, less the void of what was fills with something else. Music temporarily does the trick, but the moment I stop listening is the second all of the anesthetic goes away.
Fuck people who hurt me, they’ll hurt as much as I do some day. It is within the balance of life that you get what you give. I try to be nice, but my sister told me tonight, “Ryan, you’re too good to your women.” I don’t know any other way though. This is something I don’t want my father to know, and now we move onto a more positive and more secret note that I wish to declare amongst all of my readers since it fills my heart with such joy.
Tonight, I talked to my sister for the first time in 8 years. None of you know her, and I’ve shown very few people pictures of me with her. She is still one of the kindest souls ever. Our conversation tonight made me not feel so alone. We’re both of the same father and feel the same way about him. Although I’ve been with him my whole life and she hasn’t. I won’t get into my family relationships tonight. I feel that out of my family, out of only talking to my sister for 2 hours since 8 years ago, I could trust her more than either mother, father, or any additions to the family since the divorce. It’s no offense to Mike, but he doesn’t know our father like we do. I was so happy to talk to her that for only the third time in my life I wept in happiness. We now have means to keep in touch with each other. This is a very comforting though. I’ve added another home to the list of places I can claim asylum. I love my sister so very much, and I’ve missed her ever since the day when I was 9 years old and my father told me that she was never coming back.
Things are never as they seem to be. Yet, what are things? Nothing, until given a name. Thinking this way has made my mind start over all anew, and in thinking about things that haven’t names, meaning, nor substance, I know what is not. In knowing what is not, I know everything that is antipode of is not, is. Something that is not is given the title of not existing, therefore it becomes known which makes it now something. Nothing and everything is one in the same. I know things tonight on my journal may have seemed a bit strange. Take it from me though. There are people who affect the balance of my life, some bad, some good. In this entry of both angry ranting in French about somebody who broke my heart, there too was good mention of a happy reunion with my sister. This is a balanced entry and reflects life in its entirety.