DRAMA
Yes, it IS 11 PM on a Friday night and I'm posting on livejournal. Why? Well, for one, the damn cable is turned off cause I forgot to pay the bill. Second, I am waiting for Timm to come home from work to tell him my good news. Third, I need to get some shit off my chest. Maybe it will feel better to go back over what I say and figure out what the hell to do.
An old friend contacted me online this week, and it's not only brought back memories, but presented me with a new problem. This "old friend" was a special friend;) We had a "friends with bennefits" relationship, but we were so open with each other that we were able to talk freely about things we might not tell everyone else. I mean, when you have come down to the point where you agree with someone that you will hook up for sex, you don't feel the need to impress them no more, which releaves a lot of tension and nervous energy. Then again, it's part of that nervous energy that makes it so exciting! Sorry, but I am just being real and it's my damn journal so Imma use it how I want! LOL j/k. Anyways... yeah, so we have just been talking about EVERYTHING that has gone on in our lives since then, and it feels good to talk to another guy who hasn't heard every damn story of mine, and mine of his! So we fall right back into the groove of things, and he wants to meet up. First we were gonna meet for a drink just to talk, but that developed into me staying at his crib real fast, and broke down to talk of sex. Now, someone else who is supposed to be taking care of me in that department has been severley lacking for an amount of time that is too embarassing to put here. (if I can talk like a hoochie but not say how long, you KNOW it's bad) I have told him I was gonna go out and get some, have my fun, and never say a word so he wont feel bad. I said that a couple times, but I don't know if he ever took me seriously because the first time he treated it like I was joking. But when I think like that I feel like I'm just searching for excuses to see this other guy. Grrrrr! I am analyzing my own thoughts too much! So dude tells me how he thinks I can do better, and I would always be welcome in his world of luxury, travel, and the finer things in live. How are you gonna tempt a bitch who has been struggling to support her AND her man?! I was first with this guy when he was going to school and broke, so I'm not trying to get his money, but I imagine a life where someone takes care of MY ass for a change! Not that it has to be him...I'm just sayin. I want the opportunity to go out and meet these guys who are a little more successful and who I do not have to care for. I been taking care of Timmy for 10 years! I've always been the stable one, even when I was going crazy! I still had my shit together and he was sittin in prison. Who told him he was going to go to prison? Who said they would leave if he didn't stop slanging, and who was expected to step up and be the strong one when he got arrested? That boy has NOT treated me well in the past, but can I keep holding it against him? ??????????????????
But I DO have some good shit going on...I got a promotion and a nice raise today! I was so nevous for my review and I'm always so negative so that I wont feel let down, but it turned out great and I am really happy for that:)
Timm will be home any minute...do I tell him what's going thru my head? Eliminating specifics, of course. But I want to tell him that I feel like I've missed out on so much, and I want to meet new people and experience life to the fullest. I want those butterflies in the stomach on a first date, the excitement of getting to know a stranger, the intensity of hooking up with someone for the first time, and watching the way these people react to you. I feel like I learn a little bit about myself from the people in my life, and I could only grow more as an individual by exploring other lifestyles and personalities.
Okay, enough for now. I need to smoke some tree and zone out - turn my brain off for a while!
An old friend contacted me online this week, and it's not only brought back memories, but presented me with a new problem. This "old friend" was a special friend;) We had a "friends with bennefits" relationship, but we were so open with each other that we were able to talk freely about things we might not tell everyone else. I mean, when you have come down to the point where you agree with someone that you will hook up for sex, you don't feel the need to impress them no more, which releaves a lot of tension and nervous energy. Then again, it's part of that nervous energy that makes it so exciting! Sorry, but I am just being real and it's my damn journal so Imma use it how I want! LOL j/k. Anyways... yeah, so we have just been talking about EVERYTHING that has gone on in our lives since then, and it feels good to talk to another guy who hasn't heard every damn story of mine, and mine of his! So we fall right back into the groove of things, and he wants to meet up. First we were gonna meet for a drink just to talk, but that developed into me staying at his crib real fast, and broke down to talk of sex. Now, someone else who is supposed to be taking care of me in that department has been severley lacking for an amount of time that is too embarassing to put here. (if I can talk like a hoochie but not say how long, you KNOW it's bad) I have told him I was gonna go out and get some, have my fun, and never say a word so he wont feel bad. I said that a couple times, but I don't know if he ever took me seriously because the first time he treated it like I was joking. But when I think like that I feel like I'm just searching for excuses to see this other guy. Grrrrr! I am analyzing my own thoughts too much! So dude tells me how he thinks I can do better, and I would always be welcome in his world of luxury, travel, and the finer things in live. How are you gonna tempt a bitch who has been struggling to support her AND her man?! I was first with this guy when he was going to school and broke, so I'm not trying to get his money, but I imagine a life where someone takes care of MY ass for a change! Not that it has to be him...I'm just sayin. I want the opportunity to go out and meet these guys who are a little more successful and who I do not have to care for. I been taking care of Timmy for 10 years! I've always been the stable one, even when I was going crazy! I still had my shit together and he was sittin in prison. Who told him he was going to go to prison? Who said they would leave if he didn't stop slanging, and who was expected to step up and be the strong one when he got arrested? That boy has NOT treated me well in the past, but can I keep holding it against him? ??????????????????
But I DO have some good shit going on...I got a promotion and a nice raise today! I was so nevous for my review and I'm always so negative so that I wont feel let down, but it turned out great and I am really happy for that:)
Timm will be home any minute...do I tell him what's going thru my head? Eliminating specifics, of course. But I want to tell him that I feel like I've missed out on so much, and I want to meet new people and experience life to the fullest. I want those butterflies in the stomach on a first date, the excitement of getting to know a stranger, the intensity of hooking up with someone for the first time, and watching the way these people react to you. I feel like I learn a little bit about myself from the people in my life, and I could only grow more as an individual by exploring other lifestyles and personalities.
Okay, enough for now. I need to smoke some tree and zone out - turn my brain off for a while!