11 Demands for Discovery
Let me start out by saying that I am an awful, awful person. When I first heard news of the hostage incident at Discovery Channel headquarters, my first thoughts were, in order: 1) "Wow, that's terrible," 2) "I sure hope Staudt wasn't anywhere near that," (followed by remembering Staudt is a bastard who is in Chicago and not here hanging out with me) 3) "What an idiot. He should have pulled this shit during Shark Week," and 4) "I wonder who could possibly have a beef with the Discovery Channel? They air Mythbusters!"
Then I went and read the fellow's list of demands, or at least what everyone has assumed are his list of demands, since they were posted a few weeks ago on his website (of course he has a website.) And then I became an even more awful person, because I just could not stop laughing. This is the funniest list of demands I've ever read.
Here are some choice passages:
"2. All programs on Discovery Health-TLC must stop encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants and the false heroics behind those actions."
I actually find myself agreeing with this one, and not because I'm a rampant misanthropist: because those shows are incredibly stupid. I am so serious. Get rid of them all. Who the fuck is watching them? Get off my plane.
"5. Immigration: Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that. ... FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THEM TO STOP THEIR HUMAN GROWTH AND THE EXPORTATION OF THAT DISGUSTING FILTH!"
Ahh, I was wondering where the insane, frothing racism was. Good for you for proving that you can be a violent fringe environmentalist and a rabid right-wing xenophobe simultaneously. That's bipartisanship, folks. Equal opportunity crazy.
"7. Develop shows that mention the Malthusian sciences about how food production leads to the overpopulation of the Human race. Talk about Evolution. Talk about Malthus and Darwin until it sinks into the stupid people's brains until they get it!!"
Honestly, I wouldn't mind if someone did talk about evolution until people get it, but I'm not really sure what evolution has to do with any of the other nonsense this guy has committed to electronic ink. I can, however, reliably inform him that the reason the Discovery Channel doesn't talk about Malthusian science is because Malthus' theories were largely disproved by improvements in agricultural technology several decades ago. But hey, don't take my word for it. I don't even have a website.
"10. Stop all shows glorifying human birthing on all your channels and on TLC. Stop Future Weapons shows or replace the dialogue condemning the people behind these developments so that the shows become exposes rather than advertisements of Arms sales and development!"
I think this is the only one where he actually calls out a show by name. The show Futureweapons, in case you've never gotten as abysmally bored as I have, is a show on TLC (is it on TLC now?) talking about highly advanced prototype weapons that are supposedly at the cutting edge of armament science. Of course the best weapons are still classified, but Futureweapons does occasionally have some neat shit. Anyway, I really think our gunman has shot himself in the foot here (pun intended). If I see a several-megajoule railgun hurl a railroad spike through layers of hardened steel, and the voiceover tells me that this is a product of DARPA, my initial response isn't, "Those warmongering merchants of death!" it's "Fuck yeah DARPA! Give them all the money they want!"
Also, are these really advertisements? Can I actually go out and buy an Apache Longbow helicopter? Where?
"11. You're also going to find solutions for unemployment and housing. All these unemployed people makes me think the US is headed toward more war."
You hear that, Discovery Channel? YOU are going to find solutions for unemployment and housing. Not the government, not a think tank, not some Nobel laureate in economics: you. The Discovery Channel. Why? Because all these unemployed people make this guy think the US is headed toward more war. At least he's the rare honest hostage-taking gunman who is willing to admit that all this is really just his opinion on the matter.
"Even one child born in the US will use 30 to a thousand times more resources than a Third World child. It's like a couple are having 30 babies even though it's just one!"
Hey! That sounds like a great idea for a show on TLC!
"FIND SOLUTIONS JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS! Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!!"
INVENT, DAMN YOU!! is now on a plaque over my work desk.
"Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels."
Of course, the squirrels.
So that's what Mr. Lee thinks of the Discovery Channel. Obviously, he's a crazy man, and even if he weren't these demands are absurd. Fixing unemployment, housing, global warming, pollution, overpopulation, immigration, and probably the sunspot cycle too are a bit outside of the Discovery Channel's purview. But that got me thinking: what would be reasonable demands? If I had complete control of the Discovery Channel, what changes would I make?
Thus I have compiled Illix's List of 11 Eminently Reasonable Demands For The Discovery Networks:
1. Discovery Health will stop airing all shows about pregnancy and having 80 kids. Not because of any ideological reasons, but because those shows are incredibly stupid and demean the integrity of the Discovery Channel brand. I'm sure you can somehow stretch the definition of "health" to cover something other than I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant! I'm not even going to get started on TLC. What exactly are we "learning" from this? Don't have 20 kids?
2. STOP SHOWING CASH CAB FOR FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON. GRAD STUDENTS WHO WAKE UP LATE NEED SOMETHING TO WATCH. Put some fucking Mythbusters on. If you don't have enough, film more Mythbusters. Hell, just let Jamie and Adam do whatever they fucking want and film them. It's still more interesting than fucking Cash Cab.
3. If you so much as think about letting Sarah Palin near your network again, I will fucking cut you.
4. SWORDS IS NOT DEADLIEST CATCH. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT DEADLIEST CATCH. IT WILL NEVER BE AS INTERESTING AS DEADLIEST CATCH.
5. Shark Week is stupid. There, I said it. They're sharks! They bite shit! Fucking get over it! I understand this is probably a big revenue-generator for you, though, so I guess you can keep it. And you can keep turning the building into a shark during Shark Week. That's funny. Just please try to think of some new variations on the theme, okay? My idea: Cthulhu Week.
6. Why do you not have anything about the Large Hadron Collider? And I mean actually about the LHC, not about the minute and debunked possibility of it creating a black hole and destroying the planet. Get on this.
7. You do not need TWO team-survival shows on at once. Rest assured that my team-survival needs are adequately fulfilled by one of either Dual Survival or Man, Woman, Wild. We do not need both.
8. You know what? Cancel both Dual Survival and Man, Woman, Wild and replace them with a single team-survival show featuring Bear Grylls and Les Stroud. I would watch the shit out of that. You can call it We Both Have Silly Names.
9. The Colony. You can keep this show, but please stop referring to it as a "survival experiment." I realize it's not traditional reality TV in the sense of having a prize or elimination of some kind, but...it's a reality TV show. Is there a control group? A hypothesis? Someone taking data? No? Then it's not a fucking experiment. Call it something else.
10. Whoever narrates The Colony and Swords and a bunch of your other shows needs to be shot. His whiny, supercilious voice makes me immediately hate whatever's on the screen. Terminate him with extreme prejudice. If it's serious business, get Mike Rowe to narrate. Otherwise, find someone halfway decent.
11. What the fuck were you smoking to redub the narration on Life with Oprah fucking Winfrey? Air the original British version with David Attenborough immediately, and apologize for the error of your ways.
Those are my demands, Discovery Channel. You have one week to...probably ignore them all. But at least my voice has been heard.
Addendum: I have since discovered that the fellow I hate on so much in item 10 is actually Thom Beers, producer of Deadliest Catch. So you can keep him, but he's not allowed to narrate anything anymore, and he needs to stop trying to make other "dangerous occupation" shows like Ice Road Truckers and Swords and Lobstermen and all that crap. You will never make a show as awesome as Deadliest Catch, because none of those other shows have the same sense of adventure, isolation, and danger. Just...just stop.
Then I went and read the fellow's list of demands, or at least what everyone has assumed are his list of demands, since they were posted a few weeks ago on his website (of course he has a website.) And then I became an even more awful person, because I just could not stop laughing. This is the funniest list of demands I've ever read.
Here are some choice passages:
"2. All programs on Discovery Health-TLC must stop encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants and the false heroics behind those actions."
I actually find myself agreeing with this one, and not because I'm a rampant misanthropist: because those shows are incredibly stupid. I am so serious. Get rid of them all. Who the fuck is watching them? Get off my plane.
"5. Immigration: Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that. ... FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THEM TO STOP THEIR HUMAN GROWTH AND THE EXPORTATION OF THAT DISGUSTING FILTH!"
Ahh, I was wondering where the insane, frothing racism was. Good for you for proving that you can be a violent fringe environmentalist and a rabid right-wing xenophobe simultaneously. That's bipartisanship, folks. Equal opportunity crazy.
"7. Develop shows that mention the Malthusian sciences about how food production leads to the overpopulation of the Human race. Talk about Evolution. Talk about Malthus and Darwin until it sinks into the stupid people's brains until they get it!!"
Honestly, I wouldn't mind if someone did talk about evolution until people get it, but I'm not really sure what evolution has to do with any of the other nonsense this guy has committed to electronic ink. I can, however, reliably inform him that the reason the Discovery Channel doesn't talk about Malthusian science is because Malthus' theories were largely disproved by improvements in agricultural technology several decades ago. But hey, don't take my word for it. I don't even have a website.
"10. Stop all shows glorifying human birthing on all your channels and on TLC. Stop Future Weapons shows or replace the dialogue condemning the people behind these developments so that the shows become exposes rather than advertisements of Arms sales and development!"
I think this is the only one where he actually calls out a show by name. The show Futureweapons, in case you've never gotten as abysmally bored as I have, is a show on TLC (is it on TLC now?) talking about highly advanced prototype weapons that are supposedly at the cutting edge of armament science. Of course the best weapons are still classified, but Futureweapons does occasionally have some neat shit. Anyway, I really think our gunman has shot himself in the foot here (pun intended). If I see a several-megajoule railgun hurl a railroad spike through layers of hardened steel, and the voiceover tells me that this is a product of DARPA, my initial response isn't, "Those warmongering merchants of death!" it's "Fuck yeah DARPA! Give them all the money they want!"
Also, are these really advertisements? Can I actually go out and buy an Apache Longbow helicopter? Where?
"11. You're also going to find solutions for unemployment and housing. All these unemployed people makes me think the US is headed toward more war."
You hear that, Discovery Channel? YOU are going to find solutions for unemployment and housing. Not the government, not a think tank, not some Nobel laureate in economics: you. The Discovery Channel. Why? Because all these unemployed people make this guy think the US is headed toward more war. At least he's the rare honest hostage-taking gunman who is willing to admit that all this is really just his opinion on the matter.
"Even one child born in the US will use 30 to a thousand times more resources than a Third World child. It's like a couple are having 30 babies even though it's just one!"
Hey! That sounds like a great idea for a show on TLC!
"FIND SOLUTIONS JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS! Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!!"
INVENT, DAMN YOU!! is now on a plaque over my work desk.
"Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels."
Of course, the squirrels.
So that's what Mr. Lee thinks of the Discovery Channel. Obviously, he's a crazy man, and even if he weren't these demands are absurd. Fixing unemployment, housing, global warming, pollution, overpopulation, immigration, and probably the sunspot cycle too are a bit outside of the Discovery Channel's purview. But that got me thinking: what would be reasonable demands? If I had complete control of the Discovery Channel, what changes would I make?
Thus I have compiled Illix's List of 11 Eminently Reasonable Demands For The Discovery Networks:
1. Discovery Health will stop airing all shows about pregnancy and having 80 kids. Not because of any ideological reasons, but because those shows are incredibly stupid and demean the integrity of the Discovery Channel brand. I'm sure you can somehow stretch the definition of "health" to cover something other than I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant! I'm not even going to get started on TLC. What exactly are we "learning" from this? Don't have 20 kids?
2. STOP SHOWING CASH CAB FOR FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON. GRAD STUDENTS WHO WAKE UP LATE NEED SOMETHING TO WATCH. Put some fucking Mythbusters on. If you don't have enough, film more Mythbusters. Hell, just let Jamie and Adam do whatever they fucking want and film them. It's still more interesting than fucking Cash Cab.
3. If you so much as think about letting Sarah Palin near your network again, I will fucking cut you.
4. SWORDS IS NOT DEADLIEST CATCH. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT DEADLIEST CATCH. IT WILL NEVER BE AS INTERESTING AS DEADLIEST CATCH.
5. Shark Week is stupid. There, I said it. They're sharks! They bite shit! Fucking get over it! I understand this is probably a big revenue-generator for you, though, so I guess you can keep it. And you can keep turning the building into a shark during Shark Week. That's funny. Just please try to think of some new variations on the theme, okay? My idea: Cthulhu Week.
6. Why do you not have anything about the Large Hadron Collider? And I mean actually about the LHC, not about the minute and debunked possibility of it creating a black hole and destroying the planet. Get on this.
7. You do not need TWO team-survival shows on at once. Rest assured that my team-survival needs are adequately fulfilled by one of either Dual Survival or Man, Woman, Wild. We do not need both.
8. You know what? Cancel both Dual Survival and Man, Woman, Wild and replace them with a single team-survival show featuring Bear Grylls and Les Stroud. I would watch the shit out of that. You can call it We Both Have Silly Names.
9. The Colony. You can keep this show, but please stop referring to it as a "survival experiment." I realize it's not traditional reality TV in the sense of having a prize or elimination of some kind, but...it's a reality TV show. Is there a control group? A hypothesis? Someone taking data? No? Then it's not a fucking experiment. Call it something else.
10. Whoever narrates The Colony and Swords and a bunch of your other shows needs to be shot. His whiny, supercilious voice makes me immediately hate whatever's on the screen. Terminate him with extreme prejudice. If it's serious business, get Mike Rowe to narrate. Otherwise, find someone halfway decent.
11. What the fuck were you smoking to redub the narration on Life with Oprah fucking Winfrey? Air the original British version with David Attenborough immediately, and apologize for the error of your ways.
Those are my demands, Discovery Channel. You have one week to...probably ignore them all. But at least my voice has been heard.
Addendum: I have since discovered that the fellow I hate on so much in item 10 is actually Thom Beers, producer of Deadliest Catch. So you can keep him, but he's not allowed to narrate anything anymore, and he needs to stop trying to make other "dangerous occupation" shows like Ice Road Truckers and Swords and Lobstermen and all that crap. You will never make a show as awesome as Deadliest Catch, because none of those other shows have the same sense of adventure, isolation, and danger. Just...just stop.