I need a 12-step program

[illimitezero]

Why do I find it necessary to leave little reminders of my existence for him? Why am I putting myself back in a position to allow myself to be controlled? I'm smarter than this! I'm stronger than this! At least that's what I tell myself between sobs. I'm lost. So utterly lost. And I feel this need to feel loved. So badly. And I'm going through this big honesty kick right now. So I told him how I felt. How I truly felt toward him. No response. Big surprise. I just need to know if he still loves me. Is that so wrong? I still need to know if there can ever be a moving forward point for him and I. And I want to know so I can either move forward or start clean. Seems legitimate right? I think so. But then again I'm not quite right at the moment. And things are always more complicated than they're made out to be. How do you move forward with a person whose heart you broke? How do you repair the damage? How do you remove the rubble and replace the soil when there's so much underground still? How do you tell yourself that everything you thought to be true, isn't? How do you live with the gaping hole in which your heart once resided? HOW!?

Time to crawl into my own corner of the world for a while......and wait. What else can I do until I know?