rant
i hate that i only post when im so unbelievably fed up with something. i never post because.. i dont know, i had a good day? but then again, recently, those good days have been few and far between. yesterday was a shitty day. it started being a shitty day before i even woke up! i had this dream that me and kelby finally got married, and i had a baby (apparently i was mentally ill in my dream.. i named our baby ZAHARA.. like angelina jolies little african baby.. haha.)anyways, him and i were living with my parents and i find out hes cheating on me. in our house. like every night with a different girl. and my parents are just like "boys will be boys, let him be" so i had to watch him have sex with a different girl everynight in our bed and it was TORTURE and my heart hurt! and then we were going into the city so we were gonna take the train but he threw me in front of the train... and heres the kicker! while im dying on the train tracks, HE EATS OUR BABY. i woke up crying. and nauseous. it was HORRENDOUS.
so, yeah, woke up in a shitty mood. all day was just kind of a drag and i was cranky and whatever. i went to meet my mom for dinner, and she brings up the stupid insurance shit. AGAIN. and it drives me up a wall because i dont know what everyone cant understand how i feel. every one says i need to get the max $$ i can, even if that means i have to wait it out, and fight and go see specialists and what the fuck ever. I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER WITH! my fucking lawyer dropped my case. why? because he wanted me to go see a plastic surgeon who would tell me how much it would cost to fix all the scarring on my face, for reconstructive surgery or whatever. and i wouldnt go because i have no desire to get another surgery. because there are 2 options, and neither one is like, a sweet little laser that will only hurt for 5 minutes. they can either take ALL of the skin off my temple, forehead, eyebrow where theres scarring and cut it all out, then pull the skin by my eye up to my hairline so i only have one scar line instead of a spider web.. which means that i have to go through another surgery with more stitches and bandages and months and months of healing, and anothe year of not being allowed in the sun.. or i can do this horrendous laser surgery where they pretty much FRY my entire face and i end up purple and my skin peels for like 3 months and itll give me black eyes and ill be in severe pain.. and its not worth it to me! SO, the lawyer tells me that since i wont see this specialists plastic surgeon so the jackass can tell me how much itll cost to fix my face, he decides im not being cooperative enough and drops my case. which is just fine. because i had a huge problem in my mind paying this asshole out of MY pain and suffering money. and my mom is getting on my case telling i need to find another lawyer, someone im comfortable with because the insurance company is going to completely fuck me over.. which is probably true, but honestly, i dont really know if i care. i want it all to go away. i have wanted it to go away from the first month after the accident. its such bullshit to me that nobody will LET me forget! the fucking insurance company hasnt paid a single one of my medical bills yet, so i have been sent to collections for like 3 or 4 different things which is fucking with my CREDIT. and my credit is screwed up enough. its going to be such a strain and a fight for this whole thing. my family had to deal with the fucking insurance on our house after it burnt down, and it was terrible. my parents both got severely severely depressed from all the stress from our insurance company, the company who was supposed to be HELPING us. i hate it. i want it to go away. i want my money, and i want to forget.
BUT my day did have a bit of a happy ending.. there was this whole drama with kelby.. hes been mad at me for days and being a bit of an ass.. and today, he was texting me through the morning and afternoon and whatnot, then out of the blue, just stops. and his phones off.. so im upset because i dont understand why hes even MORE mad at me all of a sudden.. and he had said he may come over in the evening, but i assumed since he was ignoring me that he wouldnt be, so i decided to go to 25 cent tuesday at native, like usual with the usual people and we walk up and kelbys friends are all sitting outside. so i go talk to robert and he says kelby was probably gonna show, and i decided that it be waay to uncomfortable being there knowing he was there, especially if he was pissed.. so we decide to go to mi amigos. and as we are about to leave, megan calls and says kelbys at our house.. so i tell her to tell him not to leave and am about to rush home when she calls me back and says he says his phones broken and that he doesnt wanna stay. so i assume hed be going to native to meet his friends, since they were expecting him.. and i sat outside native for half an hour waiting for him. but he never comes. so i go home.. and get on AIM and hes online but hes not talking to me and i am just FRANTIC because im afraid that i fucked up my chance of him coming over that night. because he HAD come over, and then he left because i wasnt home. i was just soo upset. so i beg and plead and finally convince him to meet me for dinner, then he came back here and.... well, it just made my say SO much better being able to fall asleep next to him.. after our "happy ending" of course. ;) i love it when i can be around him and we DONT fight. its GREAT. i think for now, him living at his uncles is a very good thing. he can go out with his friends, i can go out with mine and we arent stepping on each others toes all the time. and we arent at each others throats, making each other go crazy. i love that kid, always have, always will. and its not over til i say its over and im not done fighting for him yet.
so, yeah, woke up in a shitty mood. all day was just kind of a drag and i was cranky and whatever. i went to meet my mom for dinner, and she brings up the stupid insurance shit. AGAIN. and it drives me up a wall because i dont know what everyone cant understand how i feel. every one says i need to get the max $$ i can, even if that means i have to wait it out, and fight and go see specialists and what the fuck ever. I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER WITH! my fucking lawyer dropped my case. why? because he wanted me to go see a plastic surgeon who would tell me how much it would cost to fix all the scarring on my face, for reconstructive surgery or whatever. and i wouldnt go because i have no desire to get another surgery. because there are 2 options, and neither one is like, a sweet little laser that will only hurt for 5 minutes. they can either take ALL of the skin off my temple, forehead, eyebrow where theres scarring and cut it all out, then pull the skin by my eye up to my hairline so i only have one scar line instead of a spider web.. which means that i have to go through another surgery with more stitches and bandages and months and months of healing, and anothe year of not being allowed in the sun.. or i can do this horrendous laser surgery where they pretty much FRY my entire face and i end up purple and my skin peels for like 3 months and itll give me black eyes and ill be in severe pain.. and its not worth it to me! SO, the lawyer tells me that since i wont see this specialists plastic surgeon so the jackass can tell me how much itll cost to fix my face, he decides im not being cooperative enough and drops my case. which is just fine. because i had a huge problem in my mind paying this asshole out of MY pain and suffering money. and my mom is getting on my case telling i need to find another lawyer, someone im comfortable with because the insurance company is going to completely fuck me over.. which is probably true, but honestly, i dont really know if i care. i want it all to go away. i have wanted it to go away from the first month after the accident. its such bullshit to me that nobody will LET me forget! the fucking insurance company hasnt paid a single one of my medical bills yet, so i have been sent to collections for like 3 or 4 different things which is fucking with my CREDIT. and my credit is screwed up enough. its going to be such a strain and a fight for this whole thing. my family had to deal with the fucking insurance on our house after it burnt down, and it was terrible. my parents both got severely severely depressed from all the stress from our insurance company, the company who was supposed to be HELPING us. i hate it. i want it to go away. i want my money, and i want to forget.
BUT my day did have a bit of a happy ending.. there was this whole drama with kelby.. hes been mad at me for days and being a bit of an ass.. and today, he was texting me through the morning and afternoon and whatnot, then out of the blue, just stops. and his phones off.. so im upset because i dont understand why hes even MORE mad at me all of a sudden.. and he had said he may come over in the evening, but i assumed since he was ignoring me that he wouldnt be, so i decided to go to 25 cent tuesday at native, like usual with the usual people and we walk up and kelbys friends are all sitting outside. so i go talk to robert and he says kelby was probably gonna show, and i decided that it be waay to uncomfortable being there knowing he was there, especially if he was pissed.. so we decide to go to mi amigos. and as we are about to leave, megan calls and says kelbys at our house.. so i tell her to tell him not to leave and am about to rush home when she calls me back and says he says his phones broken and that he doesnt wanna stay. so i assume hed be going to native to meet his friends, since they were expecting him.. and i sat outside native for half an hour waiting for him. but he never comes. so i go home.. and get on AIM and hes online but hes not talking to me and i am just FRANTIC because im afraid that i fucked up my chance of him coming over that night. because he HAD come over, and then he left because i wasnt home. i was just soo upset. so i beg and plead and finally convince him to meet me for dinner, then he came back here and.... well, it just made my say SO much better being able to fall asleep next to him.. after our "happy ending" of course. ;) i love it when i can be around him and we DONT fight. its GREAT. i think for now, him living at his uncles is a very good thing. he can go out with his friends, i can go out with mine and we arent stepping on each others toes all the time. and we arent at each others throats, making each other go crazy. i love that kid, always have, always will. and its not over til i say its over and im not done fighting for him yet.