No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world
it's been a while since i wrote in here. i'm not sure why i'm doing it now. just a means of documenting my thoughts and feelings, and getting them out there i think. a lot has happened in my life. my birthday has come and gone, and all i feel from it's passing is just this great sense of failure. which isn't too different from what i usually feel. i think every person goes through a time in their life when they realize their parents aren't immortal. that they won't be around forever and that you can't depend on them anymore despite the fact you want them to always be there for you. for me this realization came about as subtley as a bat to the head. i'm 25 now and i have nothing to show for my life except a string of failed relationships and a great amount of confusion over what my life is, and what it should be.
i have been selfish for a very long time, and i've slowly been transitioning out of that, but it's not without it's hiccups. basically in my time apart from this journal i have gotten a full time job, while i still work the part time at austin's. i was exhausted at first, and i suppose i still am. i have also applied for school. i met with an academic advisor, though it did little to help me. she confused me and i just wanted the entire affair over with. though she did help me fill out my application for douglas college which is helpful. this immense fear i have of returning to school, and placing my self in a situation where there is a possibility of failure scares the living shit out of me. i decided to persue getting my bachelors so i may become a highschool english teacher. where i will take this i don't know, but i need a career path, and working at wendy's just isn't an option. i staye dup all night, and then woke early this morning for panic attacks. i also have the flu which doesn't help. i called in sick to both jobs and instead took a day, which i probably should have awhile ago because my cough is disgusting. but that's besides the point. i've been freaking out recently. i'm terrified and nervous and life is just shit right now to deal with. on the other hand. i have money again because all i do now is work. i'm paying off my debts and things on that end are a little less stressful.
worry keeps me up at night, and that's a hard thing to avoid. my parents are close to retirement. i need to figure out what i want out of my life, and what i can contribute to it to make it better. and i need to do so very quickly. updated the groove list.
Chu,
Brit
i have been selfish for a very long time, and i've slowly been transitioning out of that, but it's not without it's hiccups. basically in my time apart from this journal i have gotten a full time job, while i still work the part time at austin's. i was exhausted at first, and i suppose i still am. i have also applied for school. i met with an academic advisor, though it did little to help me. she confused me and i just wanted the entire affair over with. though she did help me fill out my application for douglas college which is helpful. this immense fear i have of returning to school, and placing my self in a situation where there is a possibility of failure scares the living shit out of me. i decided to persue getting my bachelors so i may become a highschool english teacher. where i will take this i don't know, but i need a career path, and working at wendy's just isn't an option. i staye dup all night, and then woke early this morning for panic attacks. i also have the flu which doesn't help. i called in sick to both jobs and instead took a day, which i probably should have awhile ago because my cough is disgusting. but that's besides the point. i've been freaking out recently. i'm terrified and nervous and life is just shit right now to deal with. on the other hand. i have money again because all i do now is work. i'm paying off my debts and things on that end are a little less stressful.
worry keeps me up at night, and that's a hard thing to avoid. my parents are close to retirement. i need to figure out what i want out of my life, and what i can contribute to it to make it better. and i need to do so very quickly. updated the groove list.
Chu,
Brit