important things to me...
I was watching TV when an advertisement came on about some Fox8 special on Anna Nicole Smith. I don't care about the woman. I think she was a horrific example of the human species but I'm a bit started that she's dead, and has been so apparently for a while now. i didn't hear a thing about this. I don't care to talk about it any more than this. I was just really surprised, is all.
I've not been feeling very good emotionally lately. I have pinned it down to a few things, all of which relate back to Uni. This anxiety is ridiculous when copmpared to last year. I was looking forward to my return of University life. I know exactly what I am dreading though. This new infernal Psychology unit. New people, a new subject, new work load. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how hard the work will be. How much of my time it will eat up from my other projects. I know I always put art down because everyone sees art students as slackers. Truth is though that you don't know how hard it is. How much effort goes into everyones work if they are serious about it. People can slag it off, claim it's a bludge because we actually have fun doing art. Artists are driven and passionate people. If you don't have these things art is nothing. But despite all the fun it is still such a difficult thing to do. The amount of research needed, time and resources... the ingenuity and imagination. It is a lot of hard work. I know that essays take all my attention away from all my other work. I struggle with producing two essays a semester. The thought of maybe having to do four essays with all the other work on top of that is dismal and gruelling.
Maybe it is time I stood up for my fellow artists...
The other side of my anxiety is that I need to get back into it. I need to go back to Uni no matter how much I may dread it. The fear in me is telling me that the Holidays couldn't be long enough, but the logic says that I need to get back to it so I can start feeling better. It has been too long and I have produced nothing worthwhile. i'm going stir-crazy and my fear is blinding me from it. Because I am feeling this mental anguish I've been punishing myself through physical means. All that exercise, even getting my hair cut. I find that when I get really upset with myself I just want to get my hair cut. I want to change myself. Someone came up with the idea that people change their outward appearance because they want a new start, a new persona. I can see the point and agree with it a fair bit. For me its not so much a want to totally change myself. I am looking to define myself. Trying to find out what I am all about. Solidify my inner self. And right now i've decided that I want to look and feel good about myself physically. Especially because I am picking up a new unit at Uni. Trepidation aside, I want to meet new people, make new friends. I love my artsy friends because they are crazy and fun. But I desperatey long for mental stimulation. I want grown up friends. I want friends who can give me something, who can teach me to look at the world in different ways. I want friends I can have intellectual debates with. I don't in the slightest mean to debase my friends. Every one of them is dear to me and I have had great talks with them. Some of them have really pleasantly surprised me with the intellectual maturity. But right now I feel like I am the mentor, and these are my pupils. I need the role reversed. i need equality but also sometimes someone to guide me, hold my hand, or give me a slap. I probably won't get any of that from the people in the Psychology class but it's worth a shot. At the very least I am hoping for some very stimulating discussions in the class and some good material to feed my brain in the lectures.
These are some of the thoughts I've been having. It's definitely not all negative. I definitely feel like I have made some internal progress. This was all largely instigated by a certain event in mid January. I'm kind of grateful for it. It's pushed me to think deeply about my own motivations and reactions. It's made me want to do something about the way I've been behaving. I don't think I've achieved much, especially because of this depressive funk I've been in, but I certainly have a will to improve. And you all know... where there's a will, there's a way. I just need to wait for Uni to commence, for me to fall into a groove and then, hopefully, this cloud will lift a bit so I can focus on other things.
Ok... I cannot continue this anymore. Someone I care about deeply came online, so I gotta do some catching up with them.
Cheery-oh Darlings!
I've not been feeling very good emotionally lately. I have pinned it down to a few things, all of which relate back to Uni. This anxiety is ridiculous when copmpared to last year. I was looking forward to my return of University life. I know exactly what I am dreading though. This new infernal Psychology unit. New people, a new subject, new work load. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how hard the work will be. How much of my time it will eat up from my other projects. I know I always put art down because everyone sees art students as slackers. Truth is though that you don't know how hard it is. How much effort goes into everyones work if they are serious about it. People can slag it off, claim it's a bludge because we actually have fun doing art. Artists are driven and passionate people. If you don't have these things art is nothing. But despite all the fun it is still such a difficult thing to do. The amount of research needed, time and resources... the ingenuity and imagination. It is a lot of hard work. I know that essays take all my attention away from all my other work. I struggle with producing two essays a semester. The thought of maybe having to do four essays with all the other work on top of that is dismal and gruelling.
Maybe it is time I stood up for my fellow artists...
The other side of my anxiety is that I need to get back into it. I need to go back to Uni no matter how much I may dread it. The fear in me is telling me that the Holidays couldn't be long enough, but the logic says that I need to get back to it so I can start feeling better. It has been too long and I have produced nothing worthwhile. i'm going stir-crazy and my fear is blinding me from it. Because I am feeling this mental anguish I've been punishing myself through physical means. All that exercise, even getting my hair cut. I find that when I get really upset with myself I just want to get my hair cut. I want to change myself. Someone came up with the idea that people change their outward appearance because they want a new start, a new persona. I can see the point and agree with it a fair bit. For me its not so much a want to totally change myself. I am looking to define myself. Trying to find out what I am all about. Solidify my inner self. And right now i've decided that I want to look and feel good about myself physically. Especially because I am picking up a new unit at Uni. Trepidation aside, I want to meet new people, make new friends. I love my artsy friends because they are crazy and fun. But I desperatey long for mental stimulation. I want grown up friends. I want friends who can give me something, who can teach me to look at the world in different ways. I want friends I can have intellectual debates with. I don't in the slightest mean to debase my friends. Every one of them is dear to me and I have had great talks with them. Some of them have really pleasantly surprised me with the intellectual maturity. But right now I feel like I am the mentor, and these are my pupils. I need the role reversed. i need equality but also sometimes someone to guide me, hold my hand, or give me a slap. I probably won't get any of that from the people in the Psychology class but it's worth a shot. At the very least I am hoping for some very stimulating discussions in the class and some good material to feed my brain in the lectures.
These are some of the thoughts I've been having. It's definitely not all negative. I definitely feel like I have made some internal progress. This was all largely instigated by a certain event in mid January. I'm kind of grateful for it. It's pushed me to think deeply about my own motivations and reactions. It's made me want to do something about the way I've been behaving. I don't think I've achieved much, especially because of this depressive funk I've been in, but I certainly have a will to improve. And you all know... where there's a will, there's a way. I just need to wait for Uni to commence, for me to fall into a groove and then, hopefully, this cloud will lift a bit so I can focus on other things.
Ok... I cannot continue this anymore. Someone I care about deeply came online, so I gotta do some catching up with them.
Cheery-oh Darlings!