Moving on
I want to make myself keep posting because I'm hoping it'll be good for my mental health. (My new therapist isn't the sort to tell me what to do outside of therapy, and I'm glad the impulse to write is coming from me.) I've been a mess for about two months now, and it didn't look like it was going to get any better until approximately two days ago in special-appointment-weekend therapy when I decided to stop blaming myself for what happened. That is a big deal.
Anyone reading this is probably wondering what it is that happened that I was blaming myself for. As seems to be a recurring theme in my life, something impossible and terrible happened to me. And as of two days ago, I decided it wasn't my fault. If it had been, I would also have the superpower of prescience because some things can't be anticipated because no one has the knowledge that they could ever occur in the first place. I made progress by accepting that fact, and by not holding myself to an unreasonable standard of mistrusting others regardless of circumstances. I've still got a bad case of the "why me?"s and persistently wish I could go back and do things differently, but letting go of the tremendous guilt has already made a big difference.
I guess I really just don't want to start at the beginning because of the degree to which it involves admitting I made a big (but possibly unavoidable) mistake, which is a shame because it's usually the best place to start a story if you want it to make sense to anyone else. I don't know how much I care about getting feedback on this. So far whenever I've tried it hasn't actually led to any relief of my feelings on the matter. But a PM from a friend here made me feel a lot better than telling two IRL friends, so maybe it will help to talk with people here.
Anyone reading this is probably wondering what it is that happened that I was blaming myself for. As seems to be a recurring theme in my life, something impossible and terrible happened to me. And as of two days ago, I decided it wasn't my fault. If it had been, I would also have the superpower of prescience because some things can't be anticipated because no one has the knowledge that they could ever occur in the first place. I made progress by accepting that fact, and by not holding myself to an unreasonable standard of mistrusting others regardless of circumstances. I've still got a bad case of the "why me?"s and persistently wish I could go back and do things differently, but letting go of the tremendous guilt has already made a big difference.
I guess I really just don't want to start at the beginning because of the degree to which it involves admitting I made a big (but possibly unavoidable) mistake, which is a shame because it's usually the best place to start a story if you want it to make sense to anyone else. I don't know how much I care about getting feedback on this. So far whenever I've tried it hasn't actually led to any relief of my feelings on the matter. But a PM from a friend here made me feel a lot better than telling two IRL friends, so maybe it will help to talk with people here.