Maybe they didn't mean it that way
I just read this article: The Privilage of Assuming It's Not About You
I've been soothed with the refrain "it's not because you're fat", and then a perfectly reasonable explaination for the thing that I'm wondering about.
And it's true, it's not always about you.
The thing about being part of a marginalized group is that sometimes it is about you. At least it has been in the past, and it was variying degrees of right in your face, so you know it's possible that these people who are whispering and taking furtive looks towards you could be talking about you, saying mean things, things that would hurt you if they said it to your face. And maybe they are whispering about a coworker and they're watching the door behind you to make sure that person doesn't come in. But that's not how your brain is interpretting this situation, your Brain has the experience to back up it's conclusions. That's what these soothers don't understand, you're not coming up with this stuff out of thin air, or because you have low self-esteem or because you're anxious. The soothers themselves are just trying to help, trying to make you feel less marginalized. I have a suggestion for all of us, because we will all at some point be talking to someone who is marginalized along an axis that we are not: Acknowledge that their statements come from experience. Something along the lines of "That's possible, and it sucks that you have had similar experiences before".
I think the best point in the article is "Privilege is being able to assume that the person laughing behind you is laughing at something or someone else, that the scowl on someone’s face is because they’re having a bad day, and that there must have been a better qualified candidate."
I've been soothed with the refrain "it's not because you're fat", and then a perfectly reasonable explaination for the thing that I'm wondering about.
And it's true, it's not always about you.
The thing about being part of a marginalized group is that sometimes it is about you. At least it has been in the past, and it was variying degrees of right in your face, so you know it's possible that these people who are whispering and taking furtive looks towards you could be talking about you, saying mean things, things that would hurt you if they said it to your face. And maybe they are whispering about a coworker and they're watching the door behind you to make sure that person doesn't come in. But that's not how your brain is interpretting this situation, your Brain has the experience to back up it's conclusions. That's what these soothers don't understand, you're not coming up with this stuff out of thin air, or because you have low self-esteem or because you're anxious. The soothers themselves are just trying to help, trying to make you feel less marginalized. I have a suggestion for all of us, because we will all at some point be talking to someone who is marginalized along an axis that we are not: Acknowledge that their statements come from experience. Something along the lines of "That's possible, and it sucks that you have had similar experiences before".
I think the best point in the article is "Privilege is being able to assume that the person laughing behind you is laughing at something or someone else, that the scowl on someone’s face is because they’re having a bad day, and that there must have been a better qualified candidate."