(no subject)
i don't know why it feels like everything's falling apart. it is. i simultaneously feel like puking and crying and sleeping and running until i pass out...
i can't sleep and it's wearing on me
i can't eat, it makes me hate myself.
i eat. i hate myself.
i can't even write anymore.
what am i doing?
i like this school thing. i like my classes, i like having a schedule ((god bless schedules for us compulsive types)) i even like that people are amazed that i'm taking a full course load in first year, and that every now and i then i feel like i might be able to handle it. i'm just waiting for it all to come crashing down. i can feel it.
it's just hanging over me..i was feeling comfotable when i first got here. feeling like it was going to be a good year.
then comes the inability to sleep. why is this? and why doesn't anything ever solve it? i spend hours on the computer, talk on the phone until all hours of the night (with 'him'..also the source of some of my problems..)
nothing works. can't sleep. and if i do, it's the barely-asleep-having-vivid-strange-dreams type of sleep. i wake up feeling like i never slept and looking like a zombie.
we all want something beautiful, man, I wish I was beautiful
a week ago i spent hours naked in my room. no problem. suddenly, i can't bear to look in a mirror. i don't look down when i'm dressing. i had two weeks worth of a normal life, and everything's crashed again.
believe in me, help me believe in anything, cuz i wanna be someone who believes...
i want to be capable of controlling my life. i want to like myself and above all, i want to believe that i'm liked. i'm so skeptical of everything anyone tells me. (partly the fault of 'him'...why i continue this is beyond me.) i know that this is unfathomable, but i thrive off of this pain. i thrive from hunger and hurt and tears, and i don't know why. this is all self-inflicted, but i dont have the strenth to stop it. it all just hurts so much, an that sounds so cliche, but it's true, so so true.
someone tell me what it's like to be normal...and tell me to quit talking to the boy. memories to nothing but eat me from the inside out, and it's all we ever talk about. self-inflicted pain, it's my biggest obsession.
i can't sleep and it's wearing on me
i can't eat, it makes me hate myself.
i eat. i hate myself.
i can't even write anymore.
what am i doing?
i like this school thing. i like my classes, i like having a schedule ((god bless schedules for us compulsive types)) i even like that people are amazed that i'm taking a full course load in first year, and that every now and i then i feel like i might be able to handle it. i'm just waiting for it all to come crashing down. i can feel it.
it's just hanging over me..i was feeling comfotable when i first got here. feeling like it was going to be a good year.
then comes the inability to sleep. why is this? and why doesn't anything ever solve it? i spend hours on the computer, talk on the phone until all hours of the night (with 'him'..also the source of some of my problems..)
nothing works. can't sleep. and if i do, it's the barely-asleep-having-vivid-strange-dreams type of sleep. i wake up feeling like i never slept and looking like a zombie.
we all want something beautiful, man, I wish I was beautiful
a week ago i spent hours naked in my room. no problem. suddenly, i can't bear to look in a mirror. i don't look down when i'm dressing. i had two weeks worth of a normal life, and everything's crashed again.
believe in me, help me believe in anything, cuz i wanna be someone who believes...
i want to be capable of controlling my life. i want to like myself and above all, i want to believe that i'm liked. i'm so skeptical of everything anyone tells me. (partly the fault of 'him'...why i continue this is beyond me.) i know that this is unfathomable, but i thrive off of this pain. i thrive from hunger and hurt and tears, and i don't know why. this is all self-inflicted, but i dont have the strenth to stop it. it all just hurts so much, an that sounds so cliche, but it's true, so so true.
someone tell me what it's like to be normal...and tell me to quit talking to the boy. memories to nothing but eat me from the inside out, and it's all we ever talk about. self-inflicted pain, it's my biggest obsession.