Hours and hours
I'm only here if I'm in pain...
So, it should come as no surprise that I have wandered far back into the darkness I ran from. All the statistical consequences apply. Everything is gone or broken or slipping away. I have always wondered what it was that brought people from the point of sorrow to the point of suicide. Here's how. Our brains are all different. Our internal dialogue. We live inside our heads and only we know what our world is really like. I can say the words "I'm in agonizing emotional pain" a hundred times and the other party only heard that I'm bummed out. They don't know that I'm fighting myself to stay afloat. That every single reason that I'm not laying on the interstate somewhere is intellectual, NOT emotional or natural. I'm in control enough to continuously decide my life is worth living, but the feeling that I'm BAAAARELY hanging on to the thought of pressing on is scaring me. I see it clearly. I'm almost out of energy to fight myself. The pain is so severe that I can't find that guilt I used to feel for leaving haven and jada with the life long pain of my loss. I love them, but I do not want to be in their lives only to be the bad aunt or the black sheep. If they knew what I had allowed a man to do to me and put me through, they would hurt. I won't have that. If things continue this way, I will be a lost cause. A wasted life. So much unbearable, mind blowing WASTE. Patrick said I had "daddy issues" one night at my moms. He laughed off being a douche. It hurt. And it stuck with me. If he of all people sees me that way, who wouldn't? I will not live a life of shame. I'd much prefer to end it now. The feeling you have in elementary school when something awful happens and your feelings are just crushed is what I live with to the hundredth degree. I'm so unbelievably and relentlessly SAD it is un fucking real. Te relationship I wanted so so so bad. The parents that never approved of me. The pain of losing the person I should have made a life with. The pain of my youthful mistakes with alcohol and drugs. The pain of my childhood that will NOT even begin to dim. I have prayed and prayed and pleaded with God to deliver me. Or just give me the strength to deliver my damn self! Change me. Make me anything but who I am now and who I have been for the last few years. I'm NOT GOING TO MAKE IT WITHOUT HELP. I am expected to be strong. I can't. I do not have it in me to fight anymore. If a murderer walked in my apartment right now, I would beg them to do me the favor! I scream these words into the black abyss that is loneliness. Echoing back to me. Reminding me that I'm the only one who cares. I pray every day. I pray for peace in my soul. Please just give me peace. And sometimes I feel it come over me. In the midst of it all, I feel a sudden sense of calm and well being just before I fall asleep and I always thank God because those
Feelings are few and far between. If I could just have one true friend. One person that would drag me through this by my hair, it would change everything. Me the social butterfly. In my absolute DARKEST hour. And alone.
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