(no subject)
there is so much to say. so many feelings that ve felt in the last week. and i dont think ive felt them before. i never let myself get too involved. i always stop before i come to that point. things might seem all great and wonderful. but i never get too involved. i never let my emotions run away from me. i run from everything i see as a commitment.
robert.
keith.
jaden.
jake.
paul.
jeff.
who else has there been. who else has been hurt by my selfishness. i guess i am finally tired of running. jenny keeps reminding me that hurt is a part of life. that everyone hurts. and you gotta put yourself out there. you gotta take the chance of being hurt. you gotta be vaurnable. im not good at being vaurnable. im not good at it. i dont want to hurt. i would rather hurt before they hurt me. and thats the road ive always traveled.
jeff picked me up last night. he looked so damn cute. i was so excited but nervous to see him. i wanted to hug him and puke all at the same time. that sounds bad. but its true. i didnt know which was gonna take over. so i just got in and sat down. we went to a little diner by his apartment. i think we said maybe 5 words the whole way over there. i didnt know what to say. i didnt know if i should start in then. or wait.
we ate so much. we talked. nothing big. we laughed. he told me more about the date. he said he had fun. i asked if there was another. he didnt really answer that question. i really wanted cheesecake. so we went to the store and bought all the stuff to make cheesecake and strawberries.
it was weird. i noticed that he didnt ever touch me. he used to find the silliest reason to put his hand on my back or shoulder. he used to touch my hands a lot. and i kinda missed that.
when we got to his house. it was weird. i ddint know if i shoud be there. i felt very unsure of myself. we made the cheesecake and strawberries. i ate so many strawberries that i thought i was going to turn into one. we shared one of thoes mini watermelons. there were lots of long pauses. kinda awkard. but whatever.
i didnt know how to say what i wanted. i didnt know how to approach the topic. for me thats weird. i always say what im thinikng. im pretty damn bold. it was weird in a new skin. i didnt say what i felt. we watched diary of a mad black woman AGAIN!
i was gonna go to sleep. and he said. jenny read to me what you wrote in your journal. i couldnt move. or talk. i just nodded. he asked me why i hadnt said anything. i broke down. i like seriously unloaded everything on him all at one time! i told him that i was sorry that i had hurt his feelings. and that i was sorry for pushing him away. i didnt want to admit anythingt to myself. i didnt want to be vaurnable. i told him why. he never said anything. just shaking his head. i told him that i was very jelous about jenna. that i hated the fact that he went on a date. i told him that i miss his smile. i miss his hugs. i miss him.
he said what i expected. so now that i am ready to move on. you want to express your feelings. now that ive had enough. now that ive been hurt one to many times. now you want to do this.
i didnt want to start crying. because i knew he would feel bad. i knew it would probably break him. so i held back really well.
i just looked at him and said im sorry. but i have to finally let you know how i am finally allowing myself to feel. and its okay if you dont feel the same anymore. i know i messed up. i know i hurt you. but im sorry.
there was the longest pause. and i almost started to cry. but instead i started to pace the room. haha. like a caged lion. i told him in this huff of i dont know what it was that i loved him. i explained that i dont stop thinking about him. even we were were just "friends" i always wanted him around. i lovedit when he touched me. when im not with him i miss him. i used the line from diary of a mad black woman. haha. i said. i know this sounds corny. and already been used. but i pray for you more than i pray for myself! and its true i actually do. i am always praying for him.
at that he smiled. and i started crying after he smiled. he didnt even smile big. it was kinda a smirk.
it was all okay after that. he hugged me. and held me. he let me cry and say i was sorry over and over again. he shhh'd me. and told me it was okay. he kissed my forhead. he held me tight. i just sat on his lap sobbing. and he let me. never tried to change the subject. never tried to hurry me up. just let me cry. he whispered that he loved me. and i dont think ive ever felt as good in my life. never. hes said it millions of times. but i seiously felt it this time. i knew he loved me. i knew it.
i feel like im in a book. and i got the guy. its really nice. to finally allow myself to feel a deeper love than i have ever.
we went to bed about 4. we just cuddled. it was nice waking up to him. no sex was involved. and i think that was awesome. kisses. bunches of kisses. bunches and bunches of kisses. i loved it. i love him.
we had cheesecake for breakfest. we make a good cheesecake. im tellin ya!
jenny - thank you. i love you. you so are my life saver. you are always there when i forget things. when i need a hand. thanks. thanks thanks. you rock my socks hard core. thanks to you ive found my thumb. *muah*
robert.
keith.
jaden.
jake.
paul.
jeff.
who else has there been. who else has been hurt by my selfishness. i guess i am finally tired of running. jenny keeps reminding me that hurt is a part of life. that everyone hurts. and you gotta put yourself out there. you gotta take the chance of being hurt. you gotta be vaurnable. im not good at being vaurnable. im not good at it. i dont want to hurt. i would rather hurt before they hurt me. and thats the road ive always traveled.
jeff picked me up last night. he looked so damn cute. i was so excited but nervous to see him. i wanted to hug him and puke all at the same time. that sounds bad. but its true. i didnt know which was gonna take over. so i just got in and sat down. we went to a little diner by his apartment. i think we said maybe 5 words the whole way over there. i didnt know what to say. i didnt know if i should start in then. or wait.
we ate so much. we talked. nothing big. we laughed. he told me more about the date. he said he had fun. i asked if there was another. he didnt really answer that question. i really wanted cheesecake. so we went to the store and bought all the stuff to make cheesecake and strawberries.
it was weird. i noticed that he didnt ever touch me. he used to find the silliest reason to put his hand on my back or shoulder. he used to touch my hands a lot. and i kinda missed that.
when we got to his house. it was weird. i ddint know if i shoud be there. i felt very unsure of myself. we made the cheesecake and strawberries. i ate so many strawberries that i thought i was going to turn into one. we shared one of thoes mini watermelons. there were lots of long pauses. kinda awkard. but whatever.
i didnt know how to say what i wanted. i didnt know how to approach the topic. for me thats weird. i always say what im thinikng. im pretty damn bold. it was weird in a new skin. i didnt say what i felt. we watched diary of a mad black woman AGAIN!
i was gonna go to sleep. and he said. jenny read to me what you wrote in your journal. i couldnt move. or talk. i just nodded. he asked me why i hadnt said anything. i broke down. i like seriously unloaded everything on him all at one time! i told him that i was sorry that i had hurt his feelings. and that i was sorry for pushing him away. i didnt want to admit anythingt to myself. i didnt want to be vaurnable. i told him why. he never said anything. just shaking his head. i told him that i was very jelous about jenna. that i hated the fact that he went on a date. i told him that i miss his smile. i miss his hugs. i miss him.
he said what i expected. so now that i am ready to move on. you want to express your feelings. now that ive had enough. now that ive been hurt one to many times. now you want to do this.
i didnt want to start crying. because i knew he would feel bad. i knew it would probably break him. so i held back really well.
i just looked at him and said im sorry. but i have to finally let you know how i am finally allowing myself to feel. and its okay if you dont feel the same anymore. i know i messed up. i know i hurt you. but im sorry.
there was the longest pause. and i almost started to cry. but instead i started to pace the room. haha. like a caged lion. i told him in this huff of i dont know what it was that i loved him. i explained that i dont stop thinking about him. even we were were just "friends" i always wanted him around. i lovedit when he touched me. when im not with him i miss him. i used the line from diary of a mad black woman. haha. i said. i know this sounds corny. and already been used. but i pray for you more than i pray for myself! and its true i actually do. i am always praying for him.
at that he smiled. and i started crying after he smiled. he didnt even smile big. it was kinda a smirk.
it was all okay after that. he hugged me. and held me. he let me cry and say i was sorry over and over again. he shhh'd me. and told me it was okay. he kissed my forhead. he held me tight. i just sat on his lap sobbing. and he let me. never tried to change the subject. never tried to hurry me up. just let me cry. he whispered that he loved me. and i dont think ive ever felt as good in my life. never. hes said it millions of times. but i seiously felt it this time. i knew he loved me. i knew it.
i feel like im in a book. and i got the guy. its really nice. to finally allow myself to feel a deeper love than i have ever.
we went to bed about 4. we just cuddled. it was nice waking up to him. no sex was involved. and i think that was awesome. kisses. bunches of kisses. bunches and bunches of kisses. i loved it. i love him.
we had cheesecake for breakfest. we make a good cheesecake. im tellin ya!
jenny - thank you. i love you. you so are my life saver. you are always there when i forget things. when i need a hand. thanks. thanks thanks. you rock my socks hard core. thanks to you ive found my thumb. *muah*