About Recovery
I know: TL, DR. No, I'm not cutting it. Skip if you aren't interested, but don't comment about how I should cut in my own jnl, kthx! :*
There have been a number of things that have cropped up in my life of late that are directly related to my recovery. For whatever reason, it's come up with some frequency and regularity that the way I conduct myself, my life, and my relationships appears to be percieved by quite a number of people to be relatively unusual in an astoundingly positive way.
These perceptions have caught me off-guard, as for the most part, I generally feel like a bumbling idiot, unable to do the most fundametal tasks associated with being a decent person, much less an effective grown up. Having said that, though, there are things that I try to do, and many of them eventually circle back to my recovery when I take a moment and look at them closely.
So when a friend comments that my efforts to ensure the people in my life are taken into consideration, or that my [botched] efforts at communication are appreciated, or that it's considered unusual that I try to apologise for my myriad fuck ups promptly and sincerely - it catches me off guard. I strive for perfection in these things because it brings me joy to try to be the best version of myself that I can, because (watch out - this is where I go all hokey on you) as I see it, that's the HP's plan, you know? I mean, I'm not Christian or Jewish, or Hindu, or Muslim, or a member of any organised faith. But I do strongly believe there is some sorta SOMETHING out there that's bigger than me 'cos I have to - maybe it's a pantheon, or maybe it's the mindless choas of science, or maybe it's a giant dude named Beau - but there's something that made there be oceans and trees and stars and gravity 'cos I sure as hell am not that cool. But really... In the long term, a life the furthers the purposes of that Big Thing is the best thing I can do with my life, as far as I can see.
A life dedicated to the glory of God, if you prefer those terms. Now, admittedly, my version of glorification of my HP doesnt' follow the usual rules - I take full ownership of my standing as a hornball, I am loud and crass, I use foul language with abandon, and I willfully abandon myself to relative hedonsim. The difference, I think, lies in the fact that although I do all of these things, and I find joy and release in them, I do them all with full consciousness and attept to be as forthright and ethical in my pursuits as I am able to be.
Anyhow. Pretty much on a daily basis, some or all of the things behind this handy cut are in my head
This whole bit is from Chapter five of what is commonly known as "The Big Book" - we call it "How It Works," and I am editing it to some degree to illustrate the bits most relevant to me on a daily basis.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who will not completely give themselves to this simple program, [snip] naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average... With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. ..
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5) Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7) Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines... We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
There are other things in the book that are very important to me too - those bits are known as the promises:
1) If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
2) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
5) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8) Self-seeking will slip away.
9) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
The concepts are simple: the fulfillment and action are much less so. And when you look at the things that people most often want to pat me on the back for... Well, to me, they're simply the fulfillment of those promises, because I have tried to do the work in the steps.
I try to maintain an inventory of my personal flaws and be unflinching when I look at them (4/ 10). I try to fix those fuck-ups as quickly as I can (9/10). I remember that I am not the reason for or center of the universe (2/3). I work to admit my own shortcomings and release them (7). I try to do all of those things in every aspect of my life (12). And I constantly remind myself that it's about progress, not perfection (you might've even been subject to me telling you that, at some point or another. Now you know where it came from).
A lot of these things are SO SIMPLE when you look at the words, until you find that small, still place in your soul that shines a bright light on the things that make you feel small and mean and vindictive and cruel - and you realise how many of those negative emotions come from fear. For me, my two biggest are the fear of being alone and the fear of being hurt. I get selfish and mean when I am scared. I grab hold, or push away, depending on what fear is eating me alive. But when I am able to shine that hideous halogen light of brutal honesty onto myself, I can start to make changes to my behaviour.
This is where that whole "Serenity Prayer" comes into play. You know you've heard or seen it about eleventy-jillion times: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." As dumb as THIS is going to sound - I have heard that damn praryer my entire life, and it's only been in the past few years that I've had any clarity on it as far as its meaning and not just its cadence.
... I know. I am retarded, but when I am overly family with something, it loses its meaning for me. So I had to change it OUT of what I heard my whole life to be able to process it, and then BLAM! Magical fucking lightbulb: OH, FUCK, I get it! I have NO CONTROL over some things - like, OTHER PEOPLE 'n stuff! d'oh!
At any rate - when I really sit down and DO all of the things I am "supposed to" - I find that things go much more smoothly. When I pay attention to ensuring MY shit is in order, and that I am staying in touch w/ my HP, and that I am staying conscious of what I have control over (um, what I do, not what anyone else does), and that I am staying honest with myself and others...
Well, that's why I can post shit like this and feel ok about it - 'cos those promises I mentioned up ther are what I have found in my life. My past is just that - it's my past. Without it, I would be a very different person. And because it was what it was, I am grateful for the strength that came from it.
Anyhow. That's why when ppl comment to me about things I do that seem to be considered with some awe, I'm kinda nonplussed. I am a work in progress, and I am just doing the only things I know how to do to ensure I keep not being dead. 'cos I have no doubts in my mind, whatsoever, that if I weren't doing these things - I would be drinking. I still miss it, to this day - even though I don't often get the urge, so much, I miss it like hell. But I also am pretty damn fond of life, and I won't risk it for the temporary gratification of how lovely a slug of Jack would feel going down my throat... So these are the things I have to do.
There have been a number of things that have cropped up in my life of late that are directly related to my recovery. For whatever reason, it's come up with some frequency and regularity that the way I conduct myself, my life, and my relationships appears to be percieved by quite a number of people to be relatively unusual in an astoundingly positive way.
These perceptions have caught me off-guard, as for the most part, I generally feel like a bumbling idiot, unable to do the most fundametal tasks associated with being a decent person, much less an effective grown up. Having said that, though, there are things that I try to do, and many of them eventually circle back to my recovery when I take a moment and look at them closely.
So when a friend comments that my efforts to ensure the people in my life are taken into consideration, or that my [botched] efforts at communication are appreciated, or that it's considered unusual that I try to apologise for my myriad fuck ups promptly and sincerely - it catches me off guard. I strive for perfection in these things because it brings me joy to try to be the best version of myself that I can, because (watch out - this is where I go all hokey on you) as I see it, that's the HP's plan, you know? I mean, I'm not Christian or Jewish, or Hindu, or Muslim, or a member of any organised faith. But I do strongly believe there is some sorta SOMETHING out there that's bigger than me 'cos I have to - maybe it's a pantheon, or maybe it's the mindless choas of science, or maybe it's a giant dude named Beau - but there's something that made there be oceans and trees and stars and gravity 'cos I sure as hell am not that cool. But really... In the long term, a life the furthers the purposes of that Big Thing is the best thing I can do with my life, as far as I can see.
A life dedicated to the glory of God, if you prefer those terms. Now, admittedly, my version of glorification of my HP doesnt' follow the usual rules - I take full ownership of my standing as a hornball, I am loud and crass, I use foul language with abandon, and I willfully abandon myself to relative hedonsim. The difference, I think, lies in the fact that although I do all of these things, and I find joy and release in them, I do them all with full consciousness and attept to be as forthright and ethical in my pursuits as I am able to be.
Anyhow. Pretty much on a daily basis, some or all of the things behind this handy cut are in my head
This whole bit is from Chapter five of what is commonly known as "The Big Book" - we call it "How It Works," and I am editing it to some degree to illustrate the bits most relevant to me on a daily basis.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who will not completely give themselves to this simple program, [snip] naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average... With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. ..
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5) Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7) Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines... We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
There are other things in the book that are very important to me too - those bits are known as the promises:
1) If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
2) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
5) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8) Self-seeking will slip away.
9) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
The concepts are simple: the fulfillment and action are much less so. And when you look at the things that people most often want to pat me on the back for... Well, to me, they're simply the fulfillment of those promises, because I have tried to do the work in the steps.
I try to maintain an inventory of my personal flaws and be unflinching when I look at them (4/ 10). I try to fix those fuck-ups as quickly as I can (9/10). I remember that I am not the reason for or center of the universe (2/3). I work to admit my own shortcomings and release them (7). I try to do all of those things in every aspect of my life (12). And I constantly remind myself that it's about progress, not perfection (you might've even been subject to me telling you that, at some point or another. Now you know where it came from).
A lot of these things are SO SIMPLE when you look at the words, until you find that small, still place in your soul that shines a bright light on the things that make you feel small and mean and vindictive and cruel - and you realise how many of those negative emotions come from fear. For me, my two biggest are the fear of being alone and the fear of being hurt. I get selfish and mean when I am scared. I grab hold, or push away, depending on what fear is eating me alive. But when I am able to shine that hideous halogen light of brutal honesty onto myself, I can start to make changes to my behaviour.
This is where that whole "Serenity Prayer" comes into play. You know you've heard or seen it about eleventy-jillion times: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." As dumb as THIS is going to sound - I have heard that damn praryer my entire life, and it's only been in the past few years that I've had any clarity on it as far as its meaning and not just its cadence.
... I know. I am retarded, but when I am overly family with something, it loses its meaning for me. So I had to change it OUT of what I heard my whole life to be able to process it, and then BLAM! Magical fucking lightbulb: OH, FUCK, I get it! I have NO CONTROL over some things - like, OTHER PEOPLE 'n stuff! d'oh!
At any rate - when I really sit down and DO all of the things I am "supposed to" - I find that things go much more smoothly. When I pay attention to ensuring MY shit is in order, and that I am staying in touch w/ my HP, and that I am staying conscious of what I have control over (um, what I do, not what anyone else does), and that I am staying honest with myself and others...
Well, that's why I can post shit like this and feel ok about it - 'cos those promises I mentioned up ther are what I have found in my life. My past is just that - it's my past. Without it, I would be a very different person. And because it was what it was, I am grateful for the strength that came from it.
Anyhow. That's why when ppl comment to me about things I do that seem to be considered with some awe, I'm kinda nonplussed. I am a work in progress, and I am just doing the only things I know how to do to ensure I keep not being dead. 'cos I have no doubts in my mind, whatsoever, that if I weren't doing these things - I would be drinking. I still miss it, to this day - even though I don't often get the urge, so much, I miss it like hell. But I also am pretty damn fond of life, and I won't risk it for the temporary gratification of how lovely a slug of Jack would feel going down my throat... So these are the things I have to do.