depressed......
hey everyone i'm finally done with exams and i was feeling really great until last night. i had my 11th grade graduation at school yesterday and i was going to get my report card for my mocks and i knew i didn't do that well. even though i love to read and write i just can't do well for other subjects no matter how hard i study. everything seems so difficult and i can't chase up. this may probably have something to do with me not liking the school i'm studying in.
you see, even though i write things like "geronimo" and seem really hyper from the words i use in my story, i'm actually a really quiet person. i express all my emotions in writing so a lot of people say that i'm like a totally different person on msn. i know my "shy" personality isn't the real me because i'm actually more active at home but for some reason i just turn shy and awkward when i'm at school and other people. in my head i keep telling myself to talk like i usually do at home but i just can't. nothing comes out of my mouth even if i'm thinking of what i'm going to say.
i can't get along well with my classmates. it's not like they hate me but i can see that they don't really want to talk to me. they're all really talkative and active most of the time and i tried to fit in by starting conversations sometimes but i run out of stuff to talk about really quickly. i even told them that i like kpop too and thought that we could maybe talk more because we share the same interests but even if i'm sitting in front of them they just sort of ignore me and turn away. it makes me feel really awful like i tried but i always fail. so i started to withdraw even more from my classmates and don't want to involve myself in anything that has to do with the school. i think this is keeping me from concentrating in class which result in bad grades.
i have a bestfriend(A) at school but she isn't in the same class as me. she also takes french and speaks english so i feel closer to her ( i live in hk so ppl speak canto, i'm chinese but i came back from u.s. so i can't read chinese). last year another girl(B) joined the french class which makes up three ppl including me. she also speaks good english but i'm more comfortable in being myself with A so we're not that close but still friends. A and B are in the same class and after awhile they started to become close too and i couldn't help but feel...jealous? like i knew A for three years and B for only one year it feels like B is taking my only friend from me. we started to hang out together because A wanted B to join us and i didn't mind at first but now i feel neglected by them. last time, it was A's bday so she invited us to go out together for lunch. even on escalators or when we're walking or sitting somewhere those two would be together while i'm kind of trailing behind them. while they're talking i did try to join in the convo but i really can't because they take science and i take humanities and they just keep talking about science which i have no knowledge of. they also talk about stuff happening in their class which i also can't relate to because i don't know those people. while they were blabbering on and sitting together opposite me, B suddenly looks at me and says "oh wait she doesn't even know what we're saying haha" . at that moment i feel like running away and jumping in front of a train.
another problem is my mom. she's very over-protective and wants watch over me 24/7 it feels suffocating! i'm already 17 and she still wants me to call her every hour when i'm out with my friends. and when i forget to call her she yells at me and says i'm irresponsible blah blah. the latest hour i can go out to is 5.30pm! i can't even have dinner with my friends and i've never even tried having sleepovers in these 17 years of my life! she never allows me to do anything at all. i talked to her about it and said i'm capable of taking care of myself and i want more personal space but she started getting angry at me and said she already gave me enough. one time when i was out and sitting in starbucks with some friends, i saw her sitting at the table behind me, waving at me. she even goes as far as stalking me at the same mall! i also talked to her about not being happy at school and wanting to study in another one but she wont allow me. she said there is no reason to be unhappy in this "prestigious girls' school" then completely ignored me. when i showed her my report card i again told her that i can't keep up with the course in this school and she just glared at me and said "you're not trying hard enough. why are you even thinking of getting into another school with these grades. no school will accept you." instead of "keep trying. you'll do better next time." these are the words i've always wanted to hear from her instead of putting me down. that's why i'm always jealous of ppl in movies where they have loving, understanding moms who they can always go to when they have any problems.
and now she's going to show my recent report card to my dad who i'm scared of when he's angry. he only comes back once a week because he's always working so our relationship isn't that close either. when my dad's angry, he can say really hurtful words that can make you cry even if you don't want to.
now i have no idea what to do and i'm having these crazy thoughts in my head ( which i think you don't want to know about). maybe it's just me that's stupid and can't do anything right. i know i promised to write another chap for fairytale romance after my exams but right now i'm feeling so depressed i can't do anything at the moment. this must be such a long entry for you guys to read. i just wanted to express all my feelings here and i hope you can give me some comments back....
you see, even though i write things like "geronimo" and seem really hyper from the words i use in my story, i'm actually a really quiet person. i express all my emotions in writing so a lot of people say that i'm like a totally different person on msn. i know my "shy" personality isn't the real me because i'm actually more active at home but for some reason i just turn shy and awkward when i'm at school and other people. in my head i keep telling myself to talk like i usually do at home but i just can't. nothing comes out of my mouth even if i'm thinking of what i'm going to say.
i can't get along well with my classmates. it's not like they hate me but i can see that they don't really want to talk to me. they're all really talkative and active most of the time and i tried to fit in by starting conversations sometimes but i run out of stuff to talk about really quickly. i even told them that i like kpop too and thought that we could maybe talk more because we share the same interests but even if i'm sitting in front of them they just sort of ignore me and turn away. it makes me feel really awful like i tried but i always fail. so i started to withdraw even more from my classmates and don't want to involve myself in anything that has to do with the school. i think this is keeping me from concentrating in class which result in bad grades.
i have a bestfriend(A) at school but she isn't in the same class as me. she also takes french and speaks english so i feel closer to her ( i live in hk so ppl speak canto, i'm chinese but i came back from u.s. so i can't read chinese). last year another girl(B) joined the french class which makes up three ppl including me. she also speaks good english but i'm more comfortable in being myself with A so we're not that close but still friends. A and B are in the same class and after awhile they started to become close too and i couldn't help but feel...jealous? like i knew A for three years and B for only one year it feels like B is taking my only friend from me. we started to hang out together because A wanted B to join us and i didn't mind at first but now i feel neglected by them. last time, it was A's bday so she invited us to go out together for lunch. even on escalators or when we're walking or sitting somewhere those two would be together while i'm kind of trailing behind them. while they're talking i did try to join in the convo but i really can't because they take science and i take humanities and they just keep talking about science which i have no knowledge of. they also talk about stuff happening in their class which i also can't relate to because i don't know those people. while they were blabbering on and sitting together opposite me, B suddenly looks at me and says "oh wait she doesn't even know what we're saying haha" . at that moment i feel like running away and jumping in front of a train.
another problem is my mom. she's very over-protective and wants watch over me 24/7 it feels suffocating! i'm already 17 and she still wants me to call her every hour when i'm out with my friends. and when i forget to call her she yells at me and says i'm irresponsible blah blah. the latest hour i can go out to is 5.30pm! i can't even have dinner with my friends and i've never even tried having sleepovers in these 17 years of my life! she never allows me to do anything at all. i talked to her about it and said i'm capable of taking care of myself and i want more personal space but she started getting angry at me and said she already gave me enough. one time when i was out and sitting in starbucks with some friends, i saw her sitting at the table behind me, waving at me. she even goes as far as stalking me at the same mall! i also talked to her about not being happy at school and wanting to study in another one but she wont allow me. she said there is no reason to be unhappy in this "prestigious girls' school" then completely ignored me. when i showed her my report card i again told her that i can't keep up with the course in this school and she just glared at me and said "you're not trying hard enough. why are you even thinking of getting into another school with these grades. no school will accept you." instead of "keep trying. you'll do better next time." these are the words i've always wanted to hear from her instead of putting me down. that's why i'm always jealous of ppl in movies where they have loving, understanding moms who they can always go to when they have any problems.
and now she's going to show my recent report card to my dad who i'm scared of when he's angry. he only comes back once a week because he's always working so our relationship isn't that close either. when my dad's angry, he can say really hurtful words that can make you cry even if you don't want to.
now i have no idea what to do and i'm having these crazy thoughts in my head ( which i think you don't want to know about). maybe it's just me that's stupid and can't do anything right. i know i promised to write another chap for fairytale romance after my exams but right now i'm feeling so depressed i can't do anything at the moment. this must be such a long entry for you guys to read. i just wanted to express all my feelings here and i hope you can give me some comments back....