One, two, three...Leap?!?
Looks like I'm back at it again; trying to make a concerted effort to actively take the multiple thoughts in my head and append them to paper (albeit, digitally) in the hopes of lessening the stress that plagues this thinking wheel I call my mind.
I don't know why I've let myself fall of the wagon with my journaling so much lately. It could very well have all to do with the fact that I've convinced myself that if I don't process all of my thoughts and situations, I can contain them from stressing me out further. However, I'm learning that that is a very foolish way to go about things. Thus, I'm trying, once again, to change the plague of one stress factor in my life.
What is bravery? How does a person come to be brave? In the wake of so many amazing cinematic examples of brave individuals like the superheroes of Black Panther and Wonder Woman, I've been thinking a lot about what makes a person qualified to be brave...even moreso, am I capable of being brave? If you ask the average 5year old, they would say that a brave person saves lives, rescues the hurt, and beats up the bad guys. They might go on to name people like civil servants in police officers or fire fighters as brave, and they would be most certainly correct. But can a person still be brave even if they never run into a burning building?
I recently had a very long, very powerful conversation with a good friend about some of the struggles he's been facing, the just of which is how can he be his most authentic self. As we gabbed for hours, I couldn't help but think about how this sweet friend of mine is the mark of bravery to me right now, and I told him so. Naturally, he disagreed with me and called me too kind for thinking that he was being brave...but he really was. Despite all of the troubles and stress that he's been dealing with, he still finds the courage to be honest, authentic and real about himself and his feelings regardless of what others may say. If that isn't brave these days, then what is? In a world where you are so quickly judged and ridiculed for not fitting into society's cookie cutter molds, in a world where the fear of rejection is dangled over those who are deemed unworthy, in a world that tells you that you may not be good enough for anyone or anything....here is my friend owning his truth and taking many chances in life. I'm sure he's scared and has a lot of moments for pausing and reflecting, but he is still moving forward to take leaps in life and love. At the end of our conversation, I found myself both happy for and jealous of my friend.
I learned that bravery is taking chances in life with faith despite how scared you may be, and I learned that I've been the farthest thing from brave lately. You can't really blame me, though. I've always erred on the side of caution and played it safe so as to not disappoint others or get hurt. I'm the sort of girl who makes lists before deciding on things and tries to never leave anything to chance. It all makes me careful, but it also makes me afraid to leap sometimes....okay, okay...a lot of times. I've been hurt and rejected so many times in life that it has built a nice little armor of protection that I do hide behind so as to save myself any further bruises or cuts from disappointments and let downs. However during the course of that conversation and all of the subsequent reflecting after, I think that armor has been blocking me as well. My friend can be honest about who he is and still strive for happiness despite not knowing how it'll all play out, and I can't even be honest about what's in my heart with the people who need to hear it. I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions in life, in love, in just about a lot of things, and why? Because I'm a jaded 30-something? Because I don't want to disappoint anyone? Who knows? Even this push to go back to school in the fall, though I've made the decision to go for this second masters, has stressed me out about whether I'm doing the right thing.
So, why is it that I can see bravery in others and yet fail to have some myself? Where is my purple flower power drink to make me bold and fearless (if you haven't seen Black Panther, that reference is lost on you...sorry, not sorry)? But that's just it, there is no magic flower or antidote to bravery...you just have to be willing to try. I have to be willing to try. I have to be willing to try to go after this new degree no matter what the work load will be. I have to be willing to try to apply for the jobs even though they may not give me a chance. I have to be willing to try and be honest about my feelings even though my heart will probably be broken. I have to be willing to try to leap and trust that somehow I'll land if not safely, then at least upright. Let me see if I can get rid of this nasty, nagging little inner voice of fear first.