Deal or No Deal
Standards. We've all got them. Some have standards on the kinds of lives they live. Others have standards regarding the sort of people they will interact or have relationships with.They often determine the choices that we make or the preferences that we lean towards. Standards sometimes drive the goals that we set for ourselves in the things that we'd like to achieve or the sort of people we'd like to be. Yet, with all of that said, the standards that we make and have are always, without fail, questioned- evaluated- ridiculed- or attacked. If that is the case, why have them in the first place??
Recently, my standards have taken a blow-by-blow affront because of a choice that I made regarding my journey into online dating. Yes, online dating. I have ventured into the worldwide web to somewhat plus up my chances at finding "The One". Though I haven't been successful yet, the whole experience has presented me with an array of options and plenty more stories to boot. It's like going through an LL Bean catalog and starring what you like, tabbing what you might be interested in, and ripping out the page of those items that you want nothing to do with. And while it all should be a footloose and fancy free journey for a young woman such as myself, the whole lot of it sometimes gives me the worst agida because it involve such a vulnerable tête-à-tête between my desire to be in a loving committed relationship and what I hold on to as my standards. Nevertheless this "islandqt84" is online and searching for her "he's all mine" [There is a required level of cheesiness when it comes to online dating].
So why the disparaging reflection on my standards? Well, just the other day I received a message on my profile from a potential suitor on the site that sparked reactions from so many that I was not ready for, mine included. His profile nametag will remain nameless, but this was the verbatim of his message to me:
"Hey grrrrrriiiillll! I see u r a teacher so I gotta lesson for you. I'm gonna change the alphabet around so u and I can be together. Hit me up."
Here are some other details about this particular gentleman caller: he was 33, caucasian, living in NYC, into baseball, basketball and hanging out with friends, Catholic but laughing about it, and hates cats. I gave his profile a glance before reading his message to me, and it all seemed ordinary. However, when I got to his message and read it over a few times to process it all I could not find the delete button fast enough. I'm not saying that I'm a prude or that I can't find the humor in a cheesy pickup line; but is it too much to ask that at 33 and seemingly having an education and a stable life that he not misspell something as simple as the word girl? Something about the entire message rubbed me the wrong way...A LOT of things about the message rubbed me the wrong way. Spelling mistake, corny pickup line, and poor use of grammar aside, I think what irked me the most was the let down that I felt the message gave me. Why did he have to approach messaging me in such a way as if to say that because I am a "sista" that he, in turn, can "come at me" just any old way. I'm not saying that he should have written me a 4 page letter using Shakespearean English, but a hi or how are you would have reeled me in moreso than hey grrrrrrriiiiillll. If the number of times I have rolled my eyes and ignored a "hey yo ma" come on could be a monetary value, I would be able to pay off my student loans. I'm not your mother...I'm no one's mother, so why are you trying to get my attention with that line. Had his message been even a "hey girl", I might have some flattery in it. But it all seemed way too ghetto and that just isn't in my rolodex of standards in what I'm looking for in a relationship.
I then shared the sillyness of that experience of my online dating journey, and with that, opened a Pandora's Box of comments, critiques, and judgments about how I'm handling my quest for love. Some friends were supportive, some laughed and shared at my analysis of just how silly he was, but some questioned my standards in what and how I'm looking for love. I got read for filth because many seem to think that I'm looking for Disney Magic sort of love; that I am too rigid in what I'm looking for and that my standards are too high. A part of me took it personally because I know in my heart that too high of standards is not what I have, but rather just a simple need to want a guy who is good, caring, and a decent gentleman. I am not looking for a prince to come riding in on his strong stead, but I don't want to have to settle for just whatever attention comes my way. I can't settle because I have a dad who taught me the importance of seeing what a good man truly is and does. Over the years, I have been able to come to an understanding of what I am looking for in a relationship. I don't have a laundry list of specific attributes and qualifications that a potential mate NEEDS TO have, but I do have some core values that, after 29 years, I am not willing to compromise on. So why some of my friends and family found it odd that I would not respond to that particular suitor baffles me.
Dating is hard for all parties involved, and the internet and social media have not made it easy. The vulnerability and humility that it takes just to message someone in online dating is huge. However, you must consider what you are bringing to the game when you do and how it might be received. If you're 20 years old, carefree, and just trying to 'mack' in the game of dating then your approach is going to be as such. If you're in your 30's and beyond, that 'mack-daddy' approach is not as adorable. Have swag, be cool and confident...but do it in such a way that your approach is received in the mature fashion that it was intended. I'm sure a guy would speed click the delete button if I messaged him saying: "OMG, are you religious because I think you are totes the answer to my prayers because you are oh sooooooo cute!!! I totes think that we would make a cray-cray adorbs couple, don't you agree ;-)"
Standards! We all have them, and how we choose to uphold them is a personal affair, regardless of all else.