The never ending question
It seems that you get to an age in life where most people that you meet, be it friend or stranger, seem to ask you the exact same question in the effort to get to know you. As if they are reading from the same script, it is the starter question of choice when so many others would seem to be just as dialogical. "Are you married yet?" "Do you have someone special in your life?" "What's going on in your love life?" These are not all that offensive, and sometimes come from well-meaning individuals. It is the reaction that people elicit when they get a response to the questions.
Of course I am hopelessly single right now, and have been for some time. And yes, I am not married in a world where more than 3/4 of my friends are already. I have to deal with these sad realities in my life on a daily basis- on those Friday nights when I'm sitting at home grading papers because I don't want to be a third wheel in some pity get-together. The pain that my single-hood is causing me now is very much a hurdle that I am combating, but the reactions from people about the fact that I am still single seems to add on another fight in all of this. I was at the gym today when one of the new members got on the treadmill next to me and struck up a conversation. Being friendly, I engaged and began to have a nice, all-be-it superficial conversation. Move from the treadmill to my dance class, which she was a part of, she began to have a lot of fun with her moves and heckled me to let loose and just have fun. And then came the question:
"So are you married?"
'No, I'm not.'
"Don't you want to be?"
'Of course I would. Just haven't found the right one yet, I guess.'
"Well then you've got to dance like you want to."
'Ummm, ok.'
"How old are you?"
'26'
"Oh and are you dating now?"
'Nope'
"Oh honey you really have to dance like you want to be then!"
The whole duration of the conversation was not at all that long in the grand scheme of my workout, but it lasted long enough for me to remember each and every word that was said to me. And ever since coming home, I've been thinking about it and all of the other times that the same sort of things have been said to me. I could just chuck it up to the fact that I encounter a lot of nosy people, and that I should stop being so damn nice. But there is a part of me, that is having a difficult time letting go of the assumptions and conceptions that people are deriving about me because I am 26 and single. To be a Black(Haitian) single, educated woman with values and class seems to be something of a curse in our society these days. It makes no sense, but people would have less to say if I were married and possibly with a family at this point in my life even if I didn't have my education or career; it would be ok. Yet the fact that I do have a great education, my career, the continuation of my degree in process pale in comparison to the shiny diamond that I could have on my finger. I don't get it, and I think I have gotten to a point where I am too saddened to try to get it. It's a never ending battle.
The one thing that I do pride in all of this is that regardless of how others have felt about my lack of a relationship or how much it's torn me inside to know that I do feel so alone at times, I have not lost sight of the dreams that I have for myself and my future. I have made successes as an immigrated Haitian-American woman which I am proud of. I could have very well gotten beyond frustrated and allowed myself to settle for just anybody and had that "family" now, but my love of knowledge would have been crushed. Now don't get me wrong the loving husband, house in the burbs', 4 children, a family dog, vacationing together dream has been and will continue to always be part of my very core until its realization. I just need to give a little clap for what I have done so far on that dream list. Looking back, I didn't think that I'd get to that age in life where people would ask those questions and give those reactions; but then again, I never thought that I'd be this single at 26. You can never bank on life plans happening just as you wish they would, but it would be so nice if people didn't remind you every blasted moment just how much they haven't been happening or that the shelf life in their happening is almost up.
Of course I am hopelessly single right now, and have been for some time. And yes, I am not married in a world where more than 3/4 of my friends are already. I have to deal with these sad realities in my life on a daily basis- on those Friday nights when I'm sitting at home grading papers because I don't want to be a third wheel in some pity get-together. The pain that my single-hood is causing me now is very much a hurdle that I am combating, but the reactions from people about the fact that I am still single seems to add on another fight in all of this. I was at the gym today when one of the new members got on the treadmill next to me and struck up a conversation. Being friendly, I engaged and began to have a nice, all-be-it superficial conversation. Move from the treadmill to my dance class, which she was a part of, she began to have a lot of fun with her moves and heckled me to let loose and just have fun. And then came the question:
"So are you married?"
'No, I'm not.'
"Don't you want to be?"
'Of course I would. Just haven't found the right one yet, I guess.'
"Well then you've got to dance like you want to."
'Ummm, ok.'
"How old are you?"
'26'
"Oh and are you dating now?"
'Nope'
"Oh honey you really have to dance like you want to be then!"
The whole duration of the conversation was not at all that long in the grand scheme of my workout, but it lasted long enough for me to remember each and every word that was said to me. And ever since coming home, I've been thinking about it and all of the other times that the same sort of things have been said to me. I could just chuck it up to the fact that I encounter a lot of nosy people, and that I should stop being so damn nice. But there is a part of me, that is having a difficult time letting go of the assumptions and conceptions that people are deriving about me because I am 26 and single. To be a Black(Haitian) single, educated woman with values and class seems to be something of a curse in our society these days. It makes no sense, but people would have less to say if I were married and possibly with a family at this point in my life even if I didn't have my education or career; it would be ok. Yet the fact that I do have a great education, my career, the continuation of my degree in process pale in comparison to the shiny diamond that I could have on my finger. I don't get it, and I think I have gotten to a point where I am too saddened to try to get it. It's a never ending battle.
The one thing that I do pride in all of this is that regardless of how others have felt about my lack of a relationship or how much it's torn me inside to know that I do feel so alone at times, I have not lost sight of the dreams that I have for myself and my future. I have made successes as an immigrated Haitian-American woman which I am proud of. I could have very well gotten beyond frustrated and allowed myself to settle for just anybody and had that "family" now, but my love of knowledge would have been crushed. Now don't get me wrong the loving husband, house in the burbs', 4 children, a family dog, vacationing together dream has been and will continue to always be part of my very core until its realization. I just need to give a little clap for what I have done so far on that dream list. Looking back, I didn't think that I'd get to that age in life where people would ask those questions and give those reactions; but then again, I never thought that I'd be this single at 26. You can never bank on life plans happening just as you wish they would, but it would be so nice if people didn't remind you every blasted moment just how much they haven't been happening or that the shelf life in their happening is almost up.