Not knowing...
Why am I not content with being single???
Every single area of my life has brought me challenges, taught me life lessons, and eventually worked itself out into an immense amount of joy. From tackling the fear of college, to letting myself fly, to starting my career, to fulfilling my life's vocation as a Salesian Cooperator....I have risen above a lot of things. But when I think of the biggest and most constant issue that's appeared and reappeared in my life, it's always been my inability to find love and how less of a person it makes me feel.
"Trust in God", "It'll happen when you least expect it", "Your time will come, don't worry". Those comments and others of the like have truly been said to me a million and one times, and it's annoying to hear. I do trust in God and his plan for me because I see where it's gotten me in this life. However, I struggle with trying to understand how one person can be filled with so much love and not have anyone to share it with. I know that I do love and get love from a big family and all of my great friends, my students, and the youth group kids I minister to. And I would not trade anyone of those people for anything else in this life. Yet there is a huge part of my heart that has this special love to share and that part of my heart is so full it's overwhelming. There in lies the struggle between my stronghold of faith and my sensitive humanity.
I pray nightly for my future husband, that God make our hearts strong for the day that we meet; and that he knows just how much he is prayed for and unconditionally loved before we even meet. But then the very human side of me lets doubt in and starts to wonder what if I'm praying for no one? What if there is no future husband in my future? And I get upset. I was talking to a good friend about it once and she said that being single in life is a real possibility, but that I should use that possibility to not be upset about being alone, but to channel that into being the best something else that I can be. I know that she's right and I trust every inch of wisdom she ever shares, but what if I already make an effort to channel myself into being the best daughter, friend, sister, teacher, Catholic, woman, etc. that I can be? What if I'm already comfy and content with all of the other avenues in my life?
I struggle with this because I feel like I'm letting God down, or that I'm mocking His plans for my life. I don't want to mock Him and very much do trust that He has only the best intentions for me, but my heart still hurts. I hate being in this part of my life, questioning and feeling so inadequate. Especially since I just accomplished such an important and monumentous goal in my life.
It's the not knowing that is killing me...
Every single area of my life has brought me challenges, taught me life lessons, and eventually worked itself out into an immense amount of joy. From tackling the fear of college, to letting myself fly, to starting my career, to fulfilling my life's vocation as a Salesian Cooperator....I have risen above a lot of things. But when I think of the biggest and most constant issue that's appeared and reappeared in my life, it's always been my inability to find love and how less of a person it makes me feel.
"Trust in God", "It'll happen when you least expect it", "Your time will come, don't worry". Those comments and others of the like have truly been said to me a million and one times, and it's annoying to hear. I do trust in God and his plan for me because I see where it's gotten me in this life. However, I struggle with trying to understand how one person can be filled with so much love and not have anyone to share it with. I know that I do love and get love from a big family and all of my great friends, my students, and the youth group kids I minister to. And I would not trade anyone of those people for anything else in this life. Yet there is a huge part of my heart that has this special love to share and that part of my heart is so full it's overwhelming. There in lies the struggle between my stronghold of faith and my sensitive humanity.
I pray nightly for my future husband, that God make our hearts strong for the day that we meet; and that he knows just how much he is prayed for and unconditionally loved before we even meet. But then the very human side of me lets doubt in and starts to wonder what if I'm praying for no one? What if there is no future husband in my future? And I get upset. I was talking to a good friend about it once and she said that being single in life is a real possibility, but that I should use that possibility to not be upset about being alone, but to channel that into being the best something else that I can be. I know that she's right and I trust every inch of wisdom she ever shares, but what if I already make an effort to channel myself into being the best daughter, friend, sister, teacher, Catholic, woman, etc. that I can be? What if I'm already comfy and content with all of the other avenues in my life?
I struggle with this because I feel like I'm letting God down, or that I'm mocking His plans for my life. I don't want to mock Him and very much do trust that He has only the best intentions for me, but my heart still hurts. I hate being in this part of my life, questioning and feeling so inadequate. Especially since I just accomplished such an important and monumentous goal in my life.
It's the not knowing that is killing me...