Another long night in San Diego
I'm trying to make the best of it, and to be fair, the summer of 2007 is probably the best summer I've had in San Diego since I was 13...but it's coming to an end in more ways than one. Even the friendships that began at the beginning of the summer are beginning to dwindle, apparently people are getting sick of me or I'm getting sick of them, or probably a little bit of both.
My house in Santa Cruz is incredible, but it's going to be a rough year, I didn't realize in taking physics I actually may screw myself over, and I'm definitely making it a lot harder to graduate...and when I visited last weekend, everything was so different. All my friends from the dorm last year acted so strange and so un-excited to see me. Then getting in a fight with Flavio to the point where I don't know if we'll even talk again was horrible. Otherwise though, I do still have a few solid groups of friends up there, including my basketball team and Jessica's crew. I saw them last weekend too and feel lucky to even know them.
I can't help thinking about last summer while on livejournal...especially after reading Paul's entries. I'm still in a funk since Alan's accident and haven't been able to get close to anyone like I used to. I don't know if it's my fault or the guys I've seen, but all my relationships seem to end in frustration and/or disappointment. Some incredible, nice guys have come into my life only for me to feel completely indifferent about it. It scares me that even when I lose them it doesn't really phase me. I remember the days when I would curl up in bed for days upset, and now I don't know if I'm growing up or just growing numb.
I'm feeling sick like I did before I went to Australia. Physically I feel like my body is about to go haywire. I hate that feeling. It freaks me out and makes me consider the fact that I could die tomorrow and need to act act act. But what am I supposed to do? It's unreasonable and expensive to fly across the world every time I feel antsy. Especially when I'm moving in about a week anyway. I just don't like how because of last weekend I'm not looking forward to Santa Cruz nearly as much as I was. I have no explanation for why my closest friends up there seemed completely uninterested and even appalled to see me. What the fuck?! I know I wasn't around that much last quarter or this summer, but at least say hello and treat me like a friend. Steph was gone all summer too, but it looked like a freaking parade when she walked in. I heard "I love you"s and there were hugs and everything. Ugh, I don't know.
I guess I'm just feeling mopey. Jessica is in another country again where I can't reach her, Rodrigo is always busy and I might see him like 2 or 3 times before I leave again, my roommates and I are never at home at the same time anymore, and I'm just sort of wasting away my summer before going to my uncaring friends. Whoo hoo.
I used to be so outgoing, so happy, so energetic. Now even when there are parties and people going out, I go home. What happened to me? I'm 21 and single and I'm about to sit in my room and read a book because, well, fuck it...
My house in Santa Cruz is incredible, but it's going to be a rough year, I didn't realize in taking physics I actually may screw myself over, and I'm definitely making it a lot harder to graduate...and when I visited last weekend, everything was so different. All my friends from the dorm last year acted so strange and so un-excited to see me. Then getting in a fight with Flavio to the point where I don't know if we'll even talk again was horrible. Otherwise though, I do still have a few solid groups of friends up there, including my basketball team and Jessica's crew. I saw them last weekend too and feel lucky to even know them.
I can't help thinking about last summer while on livejournal...especially after reading Paul's entries. I'm still in a funk since Alan's accident and haven't been able to get close to anyone like I used to. I don't know if it's my fault or the guys I've seen, but all my relationships seem to end in frustration and/or disappointment. Some incredible, nice guys have come into my life only for me to feel completely indifferent about it. It scares me that even when I lose them it doesn't really phase me. I remember the days when I would curl up in bed for days upset, and now I don't know if I'm growing up or just growing numb.
I'm feeling sick like I did before I went to Australia. Physically I feel like my body is about to go haywire. I hate that feeling. It freaks me out and makes me consider the fact that I could die tomorrow and need to act act act. But what am I supposed to do? It's unreasonable and expensive to fly across the world every time I feel antsy. Especially when I'm moving in about a week anyway. I just don't like how because of last weekend I'm not looking forward to Santa Cruz nearly as much as I was. I have no explanation for why my closest friends up there seemed completely uninterested and even appalled to see me. What the fuck?! I know I wasn't around that much last quarter or this summer, but at least say hello and treat me like a friend. Steph was gone all summer too, but it looked like a freaking parade when she walked in. I heard "I love you"s and there were hugs and everything. Ugh, I don't know.
I guess I'm just feeling mopey. Jessica is in another country again where I can't reach her, Rodrigo is always busy and I might see him like 2 or 3 times before I leave again, my roommates and I are never at home at the same time anymore, and I'm just sort of wasting away my summer before going to my uncaring friends. Whoo hoo.
I used to be so outgoing, so happy, so energetic. Now even when there are parties and people going out, I go home. What happened to me? I'm 21 and single and I'm about to sit in my room and read a book because, well, fuck it...