If you keep on crying... I'll cut your face.
SHUTUP BECAUSE I AM TRRRYING TO READ MY MATH TEXTBOOK.
I swear, that line NEVER gets old.
I remember this time I received one of those fowards in my inbox about dying, drinking and driving, or something to that effect... so I made fun of it. My comments are shown in RED.
It's Friday night and you are driving your car. ß- Okay, I’m with you so far
(what kind of car are you driving?) ß- I’m thinking... Porsche Boxter
(YOU ARE THE DRIVER!!!) ß-- Whoa. I get to drive my own effing car
You can only have FOUR other people in the car with you. ß-- my car only fits 2 people, where are the other two going to go? In the trunk?
(who is in the car with you?) ß-- those 4 people that I started with I guess…
As you drive, you and your friends start chillin’ to some music. ß- Yah, too bad my radio’s broken
(what song are you all listening to?) ß-- Perhaps, I don’t know… silence?
So, there you are chillin’ to some music with four other people ß--- any other useless information you want to tell me?
All of a sudden this crazy driver hits
you in the back! ß--- Thank god I didn't choose a Ford Pinto
You are flying down the road out of control. ß-- so there aren’t any drivers in front of me?
You hit a speed bump and the car flips and lands upside-down in the grass beside the road. ß-- must have been a HUGE speed bump.
You lay there crying because you are in so much pain ß-- No, I’m crying because this story doesn’t make any sense.
You hear nothing but silence. ß-- If I’m crying, wouldn’t I hear myself cry or at least the sound of the other people in my car? Or the broken radio? Or… never mind, it’s useless.
silence ß-- Alright.
silence ß--- Okay, I get the point.
silence.
You try to yell out to your friends,
but you are in so much pain and shock
the words won't come out. ß-- what happened to the silence?
You lay there for about 2 minutes,
but to you it seems like 60 minutes. ß--- Is someone timing this? Because it seems to be oh so accurate.
You finally hear something. ß- Wait, let me guess. SILENCE.
You hear the ambulance and you
have never felt more relieved. ß- No way man. I was in an ambulance once. Apparently you have to pay $500 for the person who drove the ambulance, all the people in the ambulance, the person who got you in the ambulance, and the person who opened the door for you on the way to the hospital.
You lay there, still in the car, thinking about your
family, ß-- I wonder what my mom cooked for dinner…
friends, ß-- I should call Matt back sometime soon…
School, ß-- Aww man, I forgot to study for the History Test
past holidays, ß--- what a great way to waste your time thinking about past holidays when you’re nearly dying
old friends, ß-- wouldn’t this fall under the category of “friends”?
old lovers ß-- Hmmm… Drew Dean and Matt Hevey. What’s there to think about? And where is the category of NEW lovers? Or should I just NOT think about them at all?
You start to pray for the other people in
the car and for yourself. ß-- I hope there’s oxygen in the trunk…
The paramedics get you out of the car,
put you on a stretcher, and then
into the ambulance. ß--- Did they remember to get the extra 2 in the trunk?
you see nothing and hear nothing
but a void....you are alone ß--- Again… with the silence ordeal
You don't get a chance to see the other
people that were in the car with you ß-- Maybe because they’re still in the trunk…
As they drive to the hospital,
you pray and think to yourself
"Am I going to die?" ß-- I sure hope not
Where are my friends? ß-- Still in the trunk perhaps…
Are they okay?
What's going to happen to me...?
Did you die or not? ß-- No silly. I’m still alive. It’s ALWAYS a happy ending. Watch Disney sometime. Yeah, I’m a Disney generated teen.
What happened to your friends that
were in the car with you...? ß-- Ehhhhh they’re alive too, I guess.
They all died. ß--- NIGGA WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?! I knew my car didn’t come with trunk airbags. Stupid car salesman.
All of the other people in the car died. ß-- Yah, I think we’ve already established that…
They are all gone. ß-- That’s what happens when people die…
You'll never get to see them again. ß-- Really. What about heaven or ghosts or angels or reincarnation? These people must not be very religious.
As for you...
you died too. ß--- Excuse me? I had my seat belt on, I have airbags in my car, I do everything the government tells me to do. AND I DIED? No. No way.
Wait you were just imagining....right ? ß- Right.
But what if it were real? ß-- Oooo what if?
What if it really happened to you? ß-- Nah, it’ll never happen…
Think about it.... ß-- I’m thinking, no, will never happen…
That car was the LAST car you
were EVER in with your friends.
Those four people were the
LAST people you EVER saw.
Did you pick the four people in the
car with you wisely... ß-- Well not really, I was kinda stuck with them. Wait give me a second chance. Aright… I pick, Matt Wertheimer, Jake Zien, Ben Marcato, and Shannon Doran. No wait, then they’re all going to die. Oh good lordy. It’s hard when you know how the story turns out.
or do you wish that someone else
was in the car with you? ß-- Yeah, Christa Cunningham-it’s about time that girl died.
The song you were chillin’ to was the
LAST song you EVER heard. ß-- Nope, radio broke. Which means, no songs, no chillin’.
Don't you wish you could have had the chance to
tell everyone you loved them? ß-- Not really. They know.
Don't you wish you could have told your parents
you loved them one last time? ß-- Not really, they know too.
Don't you wish you could have
kissed your boy/girlfriend one last time? ß-- HAHAHHAHA that’s silly. Charlie would never kiss me.
Don't you wish you could have told
your crush how much you loved them? ß-- Yeah, I do. I love you Alex Reinhart.
Don't you wish you could hug your
friends one last time? ß-- What’s with all the questions?
Don't you wish you had the chance
to do all of those things? ß-- What things? Oooohhh those things. Eek dirty dirty dirty.
You still do. ß-- Damn right I do.
Send this email to everyone you love, hate,...
friends, family, even enemies.
Just send this to everyone you know.
This really didn't happen to you. ß- Oh rrreallly-good thing you clarified that because I was confused and didn’t realize that this was all just make-believe…
But, pray for all of the people that it DID happen to
AND remember this quote:
"Live every day to its fullest......"
and when someone says that they love you,
know the meaning of it ß-- I still don’t know the meaning of it.
and mean it when you say it too. ß-- I never mean it. OK, I comprehend the meaning of this email and I guess I feel guilty and remorse for poking fun at it because millions and millions of people all over the world have died of drinking and driving. No wait, I don’t feel bad at all because no one forced you to consume alcohol. Never mind.
HUAN YING, HUAN YING.
I'm off to talk to my parent and my other parent about open enrollment at Nicolet next semester. I can't even use the term "parents" anymore. Bummer.
I also need to run through all my Phantom of the Opera Songs. Hit that C with MANLY FALSETTO.