Roleplay Confessions Collection: Pretending

Sep 26, 2013 11:11

A/N: This second installment is up and done a lot quicker than I thought it would be. It's longer than the first, but not by much I don't think. This one is about a different roleplayer, but connects somewhat with the first installment. I may end up writing more about these two than I intend, along with...maybe one or two more. You may see the differences? I don't know. Again, the grammar is all lowercase with punctuation. Enjoy~

there are too many nights that are filled with memories of what used to be. they always seem to blur with the memories we’ve been trying to create in the present. i feel hurt and confused when i think of what happened then. i don’t know why and i don’t quite understand why it affects me so much. i close my eyes and sometimes wish we were right back where we used to be, but there’s no progress in going backwards. and isn’t that what life is all about? progress? moving forward? maybe, but i don’t think we’re nearly close enough to getting there yet. i feel like we’re stuck in this same cycle where words are repeated too often for them to sound like anything but a broken record. where the same stories are repeated but we don’t remember until after they’ve been written out for the hundredth time. where you cry and i pretend nothing is wrong. i’ll hurt you and pretend i’m okay. that’s usually how it goes. until the words start pouring over and i forget what i was even saying to begin with. your perception of me is still trapped through the looking glass of then. i don’t know who i am or what i’ve become but i can’t say that you haven’t affected my change. you’ve learned about me but all you want is who i used to be. no one cares what you want. you don’t care what i want. i smile and pretend everything is okay. it’s routine. it’s what i know because you’ll realize i’m weak if i tell you something is wrong. i can’t depend on you because you depend too much on me. if you think something is wrong with me and i confirm it, i’ll never hear the end of it. i don’t mind being admired but i don’t want you to love me. loving me gets you in too deep with no way out. so far down in a place that i couldn’t offer you a hand whether i want to or not because you’re just too far out of my reach and i’m just too far away to hear your cries. just before you drop to rock bottom. i won’t hear you when you’ve gone that deep. i won’t have anything to say. i speak as if it hasn’t already happened. you’re in too deep and even when i manage to throw you down a ladder, you turn away and tell me it’s not what you want. that you like where you are. that you prefer to be there because, in some way, you know i’ll always come back to check on you. to make sure you’re alive. please, don’t think that way. don’t think so highly of me because you don’t know better. i know my behavior and i can’t say that it’s changed for the better because of you. i’ve actually become that much more hurried, that much more buried, and that much foggier in my own ways. my beliefs on love and happiness are only being confirmed. you’re becoming what i’m afraid to be. i don’t want to get to be like that. attachment only hurts. falling in love is like the killing blow. i want our innocence back. our happiness. our uncertainty about what we were but just before we fell apart and you found yourself coming back to me just as i’d let you go. i remember what it was like. the feeling of skin-on-skin. the dancing of lips and intertwining of fingers. the shy smiles and warm hugs. it was there. some form of love, but it was more innocent and carefree and it didn’t hurt. it just didn’t hurt. i don’t know what we have now because i’ve become a part of a world that’s just supposed to belong to us. it’s supposed to make me feel happy, but i’ve just become scared. sheltered. separated. i don’t hate you and i can’t be mad at you for this is your dream. simplicity. something romantic. i like speechless moments and holding hands and whispering and sneaking kisses and pretending everything is okay. i like pretending because i don’t have to face reality. it hurts. it hurts more than the truth. more than trying to stand on an unseen line and avoid the sharks that swim below in the water. it hurts to know that i have to take either your hand or his. it hurts to know that nothing is the same. we’ve moved too fast. but there’s no looking back and no questioning just how we arrived here. change is good. but the way we went about it is detrimental. it’s scary and everyone gets hurt. i can’t say goodbye because where would that leave me? where would that leave you? and the world we created? i can’t say goodbye because i’ve signed my signature to a contract that cannot be broken. what kind of example would i be setting? what kind of destruction would i be creating? what kind of chaos will i be unleashing? this is where i cry and try to erase everything with my tears. that i hope they stain the contract and erase our signatures and let us start over fresh. but we’ve started over too many times and from too little mistakes. those pebbles in the road weren’t supposed to be milestones and there was nothing we could do since we were never prepared for them. nothing. nothing can be done. i’ll keep my feelings to myself and let you relish in your happiness. i don’t know what’s wrong, but something is breaking and stretching and pulling and tearing and falling… but i’ll just keep pretending. just let me keep pretending…

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