Serious Talks With Aron
I wrote a really long letter to Aron, explaining that my previous relationship had been long-distance, and that every visit/activity felt like I was racing against the clock. This issue became apparent in early January when I would attempt to clarify plans, and he would reply with a “If we do X” quite frequently.
I shrugged it off as best I could to see if I could get past it, but as January turned into February and more of these instances happened, my anxiety skyrocketed. I began to fear that he would cancel or perhaps he wasn’t so certain about spending time with me, and was only using “IF” statements in case he wanted a way out. In mid February it began to fester and seriously start worrying me, so I wrote a four page letter explaining my LDR history (limited visits, always having to plan, never getting around to doing certain things, etc) and packaged it in an envelope. My hands were shaking as I handed it to him with the introduction: “It’s not a gift, but if I don’t do this now, I don’t know when I’ll get the courage to.”
He read it while I fooled around in OW, and I was half expecting him to get irritated or interrogate me about my history. He did neither. I finished my match, and he turned to hold me.
Aron: OK, I get it. I see where you’re coming from. I think anxiety is typical in most relationships - we always wonder if we’re doing things too fast, or too slow, or if there’s enough time. But I understand that in long distance, it’s different.
Me: I didn’t want to assume. Most people are anxious about relationships in general, but there’s an element of geographical limitations in long distance - sometimes you mark a date, and then have to cancel, because you CAN’T just set aside your life for a week to see your partner. That doesn’t tend to happen in local relationships. You don’t have to set your life aside to visit. You don’t have to watch the clock every visit, knowing there’s an end to whatever activities you do.
Aron: No I totally get that. I mean I haven’t been in an LDR myself, but I did have relationships where one person had to go away for an extended time and it felt like things were limited, so I kind of get where you’re coming from.
Aron: I only wrote “IF” because I wanted to give you options. I tend to do that with a lot of people so they don’t feel obligated or bad if they have to cancel, and I don’t make plans that I don’t intend to go through with. Plus, when we were just starting to date, I didn’t want you to feel pressured.
Me: So it was a matter of not wanting to be pushy?
Aron: Yeah, I wanted you to feel comfortable. I didn’t want you to feel rushed into anything.
Me: I know that, and it makes sense. But that isn’t the case anymore. It makes me even more anxious that things are going to get canceled at the last minute, or that you actually don’t want to do The Thing. I rely on structure, on knowing what’s coming up. Those “IF” texts are driving me crazy.
Aron: Yeah, I realize that, and I’m glad you mentioned it. I’m starting to see that it’s having the opposite effect. I can totally reassure you and let you know that we’re sticking with whatever plans happen. And I know it’s going to take time -
Me: I’m working on it. I’ve got two years’ worth of habit to change. I keep telling myself this isn’t going away, you’ve stuck with plans so far, you’re consistent, but... there’s this undercurrent. This feeling of paranoia, like it’s not going to last.
Me: Also, I know your brain might be fogged up because of the cold. That’s totally okay. You can keep that letter anyway, think it through, whatever. I just wanted to get it on paper in case you wanted to refer to it. This wasn’t the best time, but as you told me, there’s never really a best time for these kinds of things. Better to address them as they come up rather than letting them fester.
We also talked about the longevity vs conflict in long term relationships, and I mentioned again that “Everyone says that by Month 5, you’re likely to have had your first actual argument/fight. Because most people put their best foot forward during the initial dating phase and then it starts to wear off and you start seeing them in different situations. Meanwhile, here you and I are, things are going smoothly, and I’m going ‘Are we supposed to be fighting? Should we have had an argument or conflict? Or am I just being paranoid?’ “
He replied “We are not always going to get along. Hardships can and do happen. If one of us gets stressed or lashes out, that’s fine. It’s not the end of the world and at some point, one of us is going to react like that. We’re human beings. But for the most part, I feel really calm around you and I think we are compatible personality wise.”
He is so good at navigating these Serious Talks. :)
I shrugged it off as best I could to see if I could get past it, but as January turned into February and more of these instances happened, my anxiety skyrocketed. I began to fear that he would cancel or perhaps he wasn’t so certain about spending time with me, and was only using “IF” statements in case he wanted a way out. In mid February it began to fester and seriously start worrying me, so I wrote a four page letter explaining my LDR history (limited visits, always having to plan, never getting around to doing certain things, etc) and packaged it in an envelope. My hands were shaking as I handed it to him with the introduction: “It’s not a gift, but if I don’t do this now, I don’t know when I’ll get the courage to.”
He read it while I fooled around in OW, and I was half expecting him to get irritated or interrogate me about my history. He did neither. I finished my match, and he turned to hold me.
Aron: OK, I get it. I see where you’re coming from. I think anxiety is typical in most relationships - we always wonder if we’re doing things too fast, or too slow, or if there’s enough time. But I understand that in long distance, it’s different.
Me: I didn’t want to assume. Most people are anxious about relationships in general, but there’s an element of geographical limitations in long distance - sometimes you mark a date, and then have to cancel, because you CAN’T just set aside your life for a week to see your partner. That doesn’t tend to happen in local relationships. You don’t have to set your life aside to visit. You don’t have to watch the clock every visit, knowing there’s an end to whatever activities you do.
Aron: No I totally get that. I mean I haven’t been in an LDR myself, but I did have relationships where one person had to go away for an extended time and it felt like things were limited, so I kind of get where you’re coming from.
Aron: I only wrote “IF” because I wanted to give you options. I tend to do that with a lot of people so they don’t feel obligated or bad if they have to cancel, and I don’t make plans that I don’t intend to go through with. Plus, when we were just starting to date, I didn’t want you to feel pressured.
Me: So it was a matter of not wanting to be pushy?
Aron: Yeah, I wanted you to feel comfortable. I didn’t want you to feel rushed into anything.
Me: I know that, and it makes sense. But that isn’t the case anymore. It makes me even more anxious that things are going to get canceled at the last minute, or that you actually don’t want to do The Thing. I rely on structure, on knowing what’s coming up. Those “IF” texts are driving me crazy.
Aron: Yeah, I realize that, and I’m glad you mentioned it. I’m starting to see that it’s having the opposite effect. I can totally reassure you and let you know that we’re sticking with whatever plans happen. And I know it’s going to take time -
Me: I’m working on it. I’ve got two years’ worth of habit to change. I keep telling myself this isn’t going away, you’ve stuck with plans so far, you’re consistent, but... there’s this undercurrent. This feeling of paranoia, like it’s not going to last.
Me: Also, I know your brain might be fogged up because of the cold. That’s totally okay. You can keep that letter anyway, think it through, whatever. I just wanted to get it on paper in case you wanted to refer to it. This wasn’t the best time, but as you told me, there’s never really a best time for these kinds of things. Better to address them as they come up rather than letting them fester.
We also talked about the longevity vs conflict in long term relationships, and I mentioned again that “Everyone says that by Month 5, you’re likely to have had your first actual argument/fight. Because most people put their best foot forward during the initial dating phase and then it starts to wear off and you start seeing them in different situations. Meanwhile, here you and I are, things are going smoothly, and I’m going ‘Are we supposed to be fighting? Should we have had an argument or conflict? Or am I just being paranoid?’ “
He replied “We are not always going to get along. Hardships can and do happen. If one of us gets stressed or lashes out, that’s fine. It’s not the end of the world and at some point, one of us is going to react like that. We’re human beings. But for the most part, I feel really calm around you and I think we are compatible personality wise.”
He is so good at navigating these Serious Talks. :)