So I finally watched Ten Inch Hero. And I has comments!
My commentary for Ten Inch Hero:
*That’s an ugly beach
*It’s one minute in and I’m officially bored
*ALRIGHT, I GET IT, IT’S A GIRL ON A BIKE. NOW WHERE’S JENSEN.
*“Help Wanted: ‘Normal’ People Need Not Apply” Oh, how terribly clever. I guess wearing dark eye makeup and emo hair gel means the people of the sandwich shop crew are too edgy and misunderstood for most.
*Ooh, drawing a sun on the menu. How clever of you, bicycle!girl.
*THE HIRING SCENE IS PHYSICALLY PAINFUL FOR ME TO WATCH. MY BODY IS INSTINCTIVELY TRYING TO HURL ITSELF AWAY FROM THIS BADNESS. OH IT’S SO AWFUL, ALMOST AS BAD AS THAT EXTENDED CHRISTMAS COTTAGE SCENE I WATCHED ONE TIME IN A MOMENT OF MISPLACED BRAVERY
*WTF with the old perv asking the virgin question? I would have slapped someone that asked me that. Well, no, but I would have scolded him severely
*Why does that old lady have her Chihuahua with her in the shop? It’s a place for eating, not for little dogs!
*Four minutes in. I am desolate and Jensen has still not showed up. Also it has already been revealed that bicycle!girl’s (aka Piper, but I’m calling her bicycle!girl-BG for short) hidden emo pain is that her dad has a new family and has forgotten her, woe.
*IT’S JENSEN! And he’s acting like a jackass. One that dances like Jared. And his HAIR, OH NO. He looks like a gay little dinosaur with that hairdo. The handlebar sideburns (BG probably likes those) and awful goatee add insult to injury. OH PRETTY, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR FACE?
*I like that there are little skull stickers on the soda machine. Besides Jensen and his asshattery, that’s the only thing I’ve liked so far.
*Tish (who I’m now calling Tush) is pretty slutty, no?
*We know Jensen’s easy to manipulate, it’s a good thing he’s got a Padabear to protect him from women…men…people flinging themselves at him in a fit of lust. Though his hair in this movie provides a similar service.
*Boring sandwich-shop!owner (SO for short) likes some hippie. I’m bored again.
*Why are they named Beach City Grill if they don’t actually grill things? They’re a sandwich shop, no? These are the mysteries that must be unraveled.
*Boring-Blonde (BB) is IMing people on the work computer while SO looks on indulgently. Gag. Interesting enough, the person she was talking to was called Fuzzy! hotfuzz85, I think you have some explaining to do! I will not let BB usurp me from my position as your BFF. ^___~
*LOL at Jensen’s face at the “Size doesn’t matter” convo
*It’s sad that the highlight of the movie so far has been a conversation about piss between dinosaur!Jensen (DJ) and SO.
*LMAOOOOOO at the mystical music that played when hippie!woman walked in. She knows BG’s name, oohhhhh
*My pain thus far has been worth it to hear Jensen talk about a hen period salad
*Tofu sandwich…? For those of you who didn’t know, I’m from Texas. That kind of talk is practically sacrilege to me. =oO
*FUZZY, THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU AGAIN. DAMN IT, BORING-BLONDE, YOU CANNOT HAS MAH FUZZY!
*Mystic hippie!woman (fine, I’ll just call her by her real name, Zoe, it’s less to type) is very lulzy, what with the music and the dreamy speech and all. I do like her hair, though.
*So basically this is a movie about dinosaur!Jensen’s facial expressions. In a sandwich shop. KEEN INSIGHT IS KEEN.
*BB’s conversations with Fuzzy are as boring as she is. IDK, it just doesn’t seem like a real friendship to me if boyporn isn’t discussed.
*So I was wrong about Piper’s emo pain. It was baby-mama drama, not daddywoe. I am humbled.
*Strange Anorexic Dude (SAD) came in to give BB a shiny rock. Is that her Fuzzy? I hope so, because my Fuzzy is a small Asian girl trained in the arts of the ninja and this guy is obviously not that.
*No, SAD is just a homeless guy.
*Tush is unlikable
*BG’s kid and adopted daddy are just as bicycle-inclined as BG! How fitting, LOL
*I should have known when adopted!daddy (AD) rode a bike and took his shirt off that he would be BG’s love interest.
*The magical!Zoe has gotten even more ridiculous, haha. I like DJ and SO’s reaction’s to her mojo starting the hippie van, though.
*Neither of the dudes Tush was trying to get a threesome with were even a 1/4th as cute as non-dinosaur!Jensen.
*This is the only sandwich shop I’ve ever seen that doesn’t ask its customers what they’d like on their sandwich, gets the sandwiches made in five seconds, and doesn’t ask to be paid for the sandwiches. Curious.
*Great message, movie. Flash your boobs and pretend to be stupid in order to solve problems.
*HEHE, I don’t really like tattoos, but I am greatly amused that dino!Jensen has a big star tattoo on his bicep.
*I’ve kind of been drawn into BG’s storyline unwillingly. Also, clearly the adopted!mom is dead, duh.
*Jensen’s kilt is way too long. It’s past his knees! Clearly it should hit mid-thigh.
*Aw, poor dino!Jen, he gets no love
*Hmm, it appears that dino!Jen can still do huge anime doe eyes when confronted with vagina accessories. Interesting
*I’ll admit it, the little Chihuahua has grown on me a bit, it’s sort of cute
*I like Priestly’s snarky shirts
*OH. MY. GOD. MASTURBATION SCENE = AWKWARD. Also she walked out of the bathroom, like, three seconds later with her pants all done up and everything, which is implausible and also concerns me greatly because it means she didn’t wash her hands. NO.
*Surprise boobies!
*Tad (heretofore known as Tadpole) is such an ass
*THE MILLERS ARE CLOYINGLY SWEET. But somehow charming. In a really unbelievable way.
*And now a brief interlude for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Hippies
*WHAT IS WITH THE MUSIC IN THIS MOVIE. First mystic!Zoe, then asshole!Tadpole, now man!Fuzzy all have ridiculous accompanying music, it makes me LOL and annoys me at the same time.
*Dramatic exit is dramatic
*Dear BB:
Man!Fuzzy does NOT look like Brad Pitt.
-Me
*Wah wah wah, enjoy your pity party boring-blonde.
*Why is everyone saying Tush is, like, friggin Helen of Troy or something? She’s pretty, but she’s not THAT pretty. Jensen, when properly shaved and without a fauxhawk, out-pretties her by 1,000.
*Who honestly thought there was going to be a lesbian threesome there, raise your hand. #raises hand# What, it could have happened! I mean, we got surprise-mofo boobies earlier, why not now?
*Dinosaur!Jensen has now morphed into chia-pet!Jensen.
*LOL, looks are a very sensitive subject for Jensen. I bet he still has nightmares about his twink cowboy days.
*More surprise-mofo boobs, with added attempted surprise-mofo threesome! Guys, you must have seen this coming.
*Ooh, another twist with BG’s baby mama drama! Dun dun DUNNNNN!
*LOLLLLLL FIGHT SCENE! Well, Tapole slapping bitches (and by that I mean Tush and dino!Jensen) wasn’t cool, but SO going all crouching-tiger on his ass was fucking hilarious.
*Jensen said SO had some explaining to do (in a Ricky Ricardo accent), and I did that earlier in this post! Movie, stop retroactively stealing from me plz.
*Mystic!Zoe went to SO’s high school? What a coincidence. #fake gasp#
*Well mostly my fantasies consist of porn, not “hearts beating as one.” I think all that tofu has affected mystic!Zoe’s vagina.
*Haha, BG’s fake daughter took dancing lessons from Jared too, I see.
*I think it’s pretty clear that complimentary-homeless-guy is Fuzzy in disguise. I mean, we saw Priestly about to IM him, like, three scenes ago, duh
*LOL hobolove. Would it be inappropriate of her to ask him to take a shower before he hugged her? Oh, ignore me, it’s a scene filled with cheesy faux!hobo goodness.
*IT’S JENSEN, IT’S CLEAN-SHAVEN!JENSEN!!! I LOVE CLEAN-SHAVEN!JENSEN, I WANT TO MOLEST HIM. GET AWAY FROM THE FEMALE EQUIVALENT OF CMM, CLEAN-SHAVEN!JENSEN.
*As much as I love clean-shaven!Jensen (HE’S SO PRETTY. SO TERRIBLY PRETTY), I think it’s a cop-out to keep Priestly looking that way. I mean, what message does that send, that in order to be happy and find a partner you have to change your appearance to suit others, even if it’s not true to yourself? That message blows.
*…Two old hippies riding naked on horses in front of their friends during their marriage ceremony. That is something I never want to see again. Poor horses!
In conclusion: I can’t believe I just sat through 95 minutes of that. Oh, the things I do for you, clean-shaven!Jensen!
Remind me not to do this again if I start looking curiously at The Christmas Cottage. #facepalm#