The good, the bad...
...the rampant imagination.
I went to bed way too late last night and because I haven't been sleeping all that well lately (maybe also due to changing bedtimes) I wasn't all bright and shiny this morning. Ehm, not that I am normally all bubbly and ready to jump out of bed but it does help if you feel rested.
Speedy came back late last night and then I refuse to bother with putting him outside when I go to bed. It's his choice if he wants to spend the night and he knows how to find the litterbox. When I woke up he was wandering around and finally settled on the bed leaning against my feet as if he never does anything else. The sun came out and he was supercute rolling on his back to bask on my lavender flannel. The sun seems to make any cat go all goofy.
Too bad I didn't bring my camera up last night.
Mickey has found a box half filled with laundry so he was happily rolled up in that one and wasn't too bothered by having Speedy around. Sometimes he is easily pleased. He was annoying this evening though and didn't want to get rid of his energy outside so I took a sheet and ran his favorite toy (and elastic cord) under it. I think he hadn't had so much fun in ages, he was trying to jump the cord and bite through the sheet but a sheet on a smooth floor slides with his pouncing. So everytime he jumped he was sliding at least half a meter and got a mouth full of bunched up flannel. Not that it stopped him, he's a good hunter and usually he managed to get the thread.
Or it is just his impressive weaponry, his nails cut deep (especially in my thighs).
My plan was to go to the store because they were selling herb, plant and flour seeds in growboxes and I didn't want to miss out. My agorafobia/feeling bad or sick when going somewhere has been increasing with every bad experience I have and it's been horrible lately, even extending to something as simple as going to the store, I feel bad before I have managed to get out of my street. It gets worse the further away I get and today just like last time I felt so bad I almost turned back. Luckily I had an apple and that gave me the strength to make it into the store where my body seems to think i am starting the road back so I feel a bit better.
By the time I have paid the cashier I feel loads better and can walk my normal pace home, as apposed to the slow little steps I had to make due to feeling weak before. This is really worrying me, I do my best and I'm not without courage (given I need it so often) but how long do I need to keep pushing myself? I push myself and hope it goes away but recently that has just not been working. It's been getting worse since I went on the family reunion last November and got a full blown attack to remind me of how I can feel. That feeds the condition as does any other time I feel bad going somewhere.
I'm really in need of some positive experiences. I stepped on the scale this morning and that was bad too, it's probably a combination of things, stress, period coming up, less active and a lot of feeling like eating bad things to make me feel better. I'll have to force myself to start working out again, that should help with the weight and the stress issues. It seems as if I also get more stress issues if I weigh more than 62. If you believe the omentum theory from dr Oz it makes sense.
The theory goes something like this, if you put on weight around your stomach you get fat on a membrane around your stomach/intestines. This makes a lot of hormones that mess up your body. So when you loose weight you get your normal hormonal cycles back and you feel more energetic. I also feel like when I move enough my body makes more energy I can use, if i sit still it goes into a sort of hibernation that is fine for not doing anything but makes everything else feel like way too much work. At that point my body is just busy storing fat from anything I eat.
So come Monday I will start with at least 30 min (preferably an hour) of exercise again. I'll see how far I get. Combined with a hopefully low sugar diet it should help. I don't know what else to do, I have to be able to get my own groceries and I don't want to be forced to take medications (that make me sick and don't help) or even get more therapy. All they do in therapy is tell me to try doing what makes me ill...well that is not working or I would be feeling better not worse. The thing they never understood is that if I do something that is hard for me and I feel bad that makes it a "bad experience" and makes my illness worse, while they read in their books that repeated exposure should make me feel better.
My ambulant nurse, the only one I get counseling from at the moment once every few months understands that perfectly though, but she can't do much for me. I'll have to try on my own.
~Iflie
I went to bed way too late last night and because I haven't been sleeping all that well lately (maybe also due to changing bedtimes) I wasn't all bright and shiny this morning. Ehm, not that I am normally all bubbly and ready to jump out of bed but it does help if you feel rested.
Speedy came back late last night and then I refuse to bother with putting him outside when I go to bed. It's his choice if he wants to spend the night and he knows how to find the litterbox. When I woke up he was wandering around and finally settled on the bed leaning against my feet as if he never does anything else. The sun came out and he was supercute rolling on his back to bask on my lavender flannel. The sun seems to make any cat go all goofy.
Too bad I didn't bring my camera up last night.
Mickey has found a box half filled with laundry so he was happily rolled up in that one and wasn't too bothered by having Speedy around. Sometimes he is easily pleased. He was annoying this evening though and didn't want to get rid of his energy outside so I took a sheet and ran his favorite toy (and elastic cord) under it. I think he hadn't had so much fun in ages, he was trying to jump the cord and bite through the sheet but a sheet on a smooth floor slides with his pouncing. So everytime he jumped he was sliding at least half a meter and got a mouth full of bunched up flannel. Not that it stopped him, he's a good hunter and usually he managed to get the thread.
Or it is just his impressive weaponry, his nails cut deep (especially in my thighs).
My plan was to go to the store because they were selling herb, plant and flour seeds in growboxes and I didn't want to miss out. My agorafobia/feeling bad or sick when going somewhere has been increasing with every bad experience I have and it's been horrible lately, even extending to something as simple as going to the store, I feel bad before I have managed to get out of my street. It gets worse the further away I get and today just like last time I felt so bad I almost turned back. Luckily I had an apple and that gave me the strength to make it into the store where my body seems to think i am starting the road back so I feel a bit better.
By the time I have paid the cashier I feel loads better and can walk my normal pace home, as apposed to the slow little steps I had to make due to feeling weak before. This is really worrying me, I do my best and I'm not without courage (given I need it so often) but how long do I need to keep pushing myself? I push myself and hope it goes away but recently that has just not been working. It's been getting worse since I went on the family reunion last November and got a full blown attack to remind me of how I can feel. That feeds the condition as does any other time I feel bad going somewhere.
I'm really in need of some positive experiences. I stepped on the scale this morning and that was bad too, it's probably a combination of things, stress, period coming up, less active and a lot of feeling like eating bad things to make me feel better. I'll have to force myself to start working out again, that should help with the weight and the stress issues. It seems as if I also get more stress issues if I weigh more than 62. If you believe the omentum theory from dr Oz it makes sense.
The theory goes something like this, if you put on weight around your stomach you get fat on a membrane around your stomach/intestines. This makes a lot of hormones that mess up your body. So when you loose weight you get your normal hormonal cycles back and you feel more energetic. I also feel like when I move enough my body makes more energy I can use, if i sit still it goes into a sort of hibernation that is fine for not doing anything but makes everything else feel like way too much work. At that point my body is just busy storing fat from anything I eat.
So come Monday I will start with at least 30 min (preferably an hour) of exercise again. I'll see how far I get. Combined with a hopefully low sugar diet it should help. I don't know what else to do, I have to be able to get my own groceries and I don't want to be forced to take medications (that make me sick and don't help) or even get more therapy. All they do in therapy is tell me to try doing what makes me ill...well that is not working or I would be feeling better not worse. The thing they never understood is that if I do something that is hard for me and I feel bad that makes it a "bad experience" and makes my illness worse, while they read in their books that repeated exposure should make me feel better.
My ambulant nurse, the only one I get counseling from at the moment once every few months understands that perfectly though, but she can't do much for me. I'll have to try on my own.
~Iflie